


The Lost and Found

by JulietRose



Series: The Sudden Obliteration of Expectation [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Child Neglect, Communication, Depression, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Healthy Relationships, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, Larry and Cynthia being Fantastic Parents, M/M, Medical marijuana, Panic Attacks, Past Hospitalization, Past Suicide Attempts, Protective Connor Murphy, Recreational Drug Use, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Smut, always gotta tag all the scary stuff but this story is actually v sweet, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:01:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 73,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulietRose/pseuds/JulietRose
Summary: Connor felt like he was on a precipice.He tried explaining it to Dr. Reeves, but he knew he couldn’t get the words to come out right. It was like suddenly everything was possible. And that should have been exhilarating, and it was, but it was also terrifying. Because Connor was good at screwing things up. He was good at pushing away the people he loved and throwing away everything that’s ever been handed to him.And now he had everything; he had Evan. Evan, who gave him friends and his family and a future. All at once. Everything he never allowed himself to dream could actually be his. Now it was.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: The Sudden Obliteration of Expectation [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1784395
Comments: 96
Kudos: 146





	1. October

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! You know the drill by now. This entire story has already been written. It will be updated every Friday (unless I randomly decide to or accidentally post sooner).
> 
> Two things will be different this time around, and both are apparent from the story summary and the chapter title. It's gonna be Connor's perspective (third person, obviously, because I am not a heathen), and instead of day-by-day we're doing one day (or sometimes a few days) of each month of their senior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cracks knuckles* It's good to be back.

Connor felt like he was on a precipice. 

He tried explaining it to Dr. Reeves, but he knew he couldn’t get the words to come out right. It was like suddenly everything was possible. And that should have been exhilarating, and it was, but it was also terrifying. Because Connor was good at screwing things up. He was good at pushing away the people he loved and throwing away everything that’s ever been handed to him.

And now he had everything.

He had _Evan,_ who gave him friends and his family and a future. All at once. Everything he never allowed himself to dream could actually be his. Now it was.

It was like God had placed this perfect, fragile, wonderful human being in his already weak arms and said “There you go! Don’t screw it up!” before fucking off and inventing mental illness specifically to fuck with Connor.

Because Evan was perfect, but he was sick. And so was Connor, but he was really starting to realize his bullshit was nothing compared to Evan’s. (Dr. Reeves had scolded Connor for saying this, telling him not to compare his trauma to others, that his own problems were still valid, and that his situation had nothing to do with his mental illness. But Connor had argued that he meant it as a good thing. Like, yeah, his head was still yelling at him most of the time, but he was also capable of crawling out of his own ass now and seeing that he actually had something worth fighting for here.)

The problem is that he fell fast and hard. He loved Evan. A lot. That boy made him feel things he didn’t know he was capable of feeling anymore. And he’s come _so close_ to having never known him. Multiple times. Not even just on his own part. Evan’s attempted 4.5 times— three times more than Connor.

_Cars. Pills. Bridge. Tree._ Connor couldn’t stop repeating those words, over and over, every time he closed his eyes. _Cars. Pills. Bridge. Tree._ He couldn’t stop seeing Evan in every single one of those scenarios. Walking into traffic, swallowing the pills, drowning under a bridge, jumping from the tree… Evan dying every single time; Connor powerless to stop it.

It wasn’t really a surprise when he was flinging himself out of bed at 2AM, heart pounding in his ears as he rushed to the bathroom. He fell to his knees and emptied his stomach contents into the toilet.

It was his own fault, really. He should have known not to try and sleep without Evan tonight.

He had tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t fucking _breathe._ He needed to know that Evan was okay. He needed to know that he was alive and well and, and— Unbidden, the image of Evan’s broken and mangled body reappeared before him and Connor hurled again.

Then there were cool hands pulling his hair back and he recognized his mom’s voice although he couldn’t make out anything she was saying. He wiped at his mouth and looked up at her through his tears. 

“He’s dead, he’s dead, I know he’s dead. He’s dead and I couldn’t stop it. I wasn’t enough. I’m not enough. I can’t— can’t—” he cut himself off as he choked on another sob and dry heaved into the toilet.

“Connor, sweetie,” his mom hushed him as she rubbed at his back. “Breathe, breathe, you’re okay. Everything is okay.”

Connor tried to breathe but his lungs just _weren’t working._ Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that he was having a panic attack, but that did the exact opposite of help because then all he could think was: _This is what Evan feels like. This is why he wants to die. This is why you’ll never be enough._ And oh god, he just wanted to breathe _so badly_ but he _couldn’t._

“I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m fucking dying,” he cried, gasping for air. He clutched at his mom’s arms. “Please help, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, Mom, please—” His stomach attempted to eject itself out of his body again. And isn’t that fucking ironic. He finally doesn’t want to die and yet _here he is._

“Connor, you’re not dying. Look at me.” He yanked his eyes up to hers, desperate for anything that could ground him. “Hold your breath,” she ordered, and he immediately sucked in air and refused to let it go. It seemed counter productive, but then she was counting to ten and telling him to let it out, and all of the air whooshed out of him and came back in. “Good. Keep doing that,” she said, so he did. And tears kept falling and his heart was still racing, but his lungs weren’t burning anymore and his stomach wasn’t rebelling so long as he forced his brain to focus only on counting to ten and nothing else.

Once he felt like he could breathe again, he fell into her arms and just let himself cry. She just ran her fingers through his hair and held him, making him feel like a little kid again. Once Connor was mostly just sniffling rather than sobbing, she pulled back just enough to look at his face. “Sweetie, what happened?”

He shook his head, feeling the tears well back up. “I’m just so afraid of losing him.”

He and Evan had been dating for two months now. They spent pretty much all of their time together anymore. Cynthia didn’t have to question who he meant. She loved Evan nearly as much as Connor did. “Why do you think you’re going to lose him?” she asked.

Connor squeezed his eyes shut. He had to tell her. He just had a fucking panic attack and cried all over her while they sat on his bathroom floor at two o’clock in the morning. He couldn’t exactly just back out now and claim it was nothing. “He’s attempted before, Mom.” His voice was broken and barely there, but it was clear by Cynthia’s expression that she heard him.

“Oh, Evan…” she whispered. Tears were forming in her eyes now too.

“Four times.” Connor suddenly needed this all off his chest. Maybe if he said it out loud it would stop haunting his dreams. “Since he was _nine._ Nine years old. Even _I_ was still happy at nine. I just— I can’t— I almost lost him four times and I didn’t even _know him._ I almost didn’t know him, Mom. And I’m just— I’m so fucking scared and I don’t know what to do.” He started crying in earnest again and his mom pulled him back to hug him tightly.

“Is he still…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

He shook his head quickly. “No. He says he doesn’t want to anymore and I believe him, I do. His new meds are working and he’s doing really well. He says he’s happy— he is happy.” His voice broke. “He says I make him happy.”

“See then?” Cynthia squeezed his arm. “You’re good for each other. You help each other.”

“But I’m still so scared I’m gonna mess it up somehow.” He wiped at his eyes. “I’ve messed up so much, Mom. With you and Dad and Zoe… What if that happens again? What if the medicine stops working? What if I have a really bad day again? What if I say something and I can’t take it back and he leaves or— or…” He shook his head; his chest was getting tight again.

Cynthia took a deep breath. “Okay, first off, you are not the only reason Evan is alive. You might be the first reason or a big reason, but just like you Evan also has other people he cares about and wants to stick around for. Secondly, if the medicine stops working then you will get different medicine. You will get through it just like you did last time— except this time you’ll know to tell us sooner. And you told me that when you met Evan his medicine wasn’t working, and you stuck with him through that. Do you really think Evan wouldn’t do the same for you?”

Connor hung his head. Of course Evan would stick with him. He’s _Evan._ He’s _wonderful._ “My bad days are so much scarier than his though, Mom. It’s like I’m just so _angry_ and I can’t do anything about it and I can’t stop myself from saying things I don’t mean and doing things I don’t want to.”

“Connor, I know you’re not going to believe me when I say this, but I don’t think you would let your mental illness control you like that anymore— I know, I know it isn’t always a choice. But I see the way you look at Evan. The way you talk about him. I don’t think you _could_ hurt that boy.”

“I did though,” he said miserably. “I know Zoe told you. On the day we met. I _pushed_ him. I yelled at him and I pushed him even though he didn’t even do anything wrong.”

“You were scared and you were hurt and you were angry. You thought the one person who never made fun of you was laughing at you. And Evan wasn’t hurt, and he forgave you for that.”

“That’s not an excuse.” He shook his head frantically. “I could have hurt him. I almost hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t—” He cut himself off as it was suddenly difficult to breathe again.

Cynthia rubbed at his back. “You’re not going to hurt him, sweetie. The fact that you’re so scared that you will and still determined not to proves that.”

“I can’t lose him, Mom.”

“You won’t.” She said it with so much conviction that Connor almost believed her. She tucked his hair back behind his ear. “Do you need to drive over there?”

He shook his head. “I can’t. Heidi’s home.”

Cynthia frowned at that and Connor knew why because she’s said it so many times before: she didn’t like the fact that Evan wasn’t out to his mom yet. Though she understood that Evan didn’t want to tell her yet, she felt that the boys were lying to Heidi since they often slept together there, and Heidi doesn’t know that there’s anything about that that she might want to protest. 

Cynthia and Larry, of course, knew that the boys were sexually active (because they weren’t idiots) and they’d been able to decide that they were okay with that happening under their roof (considering the alternative might be in the woods somewhere or in a car where they could get arrested or made the victims of a hate crime). But Cynthia and Larry also understood why the boys would want to take full advantage of an empty house, and for selfish reasons they were okay with that, and have sort of managed to convince themselves that the boys would be taking advantage of that whether or not Heidi was okay with it. (If this had been Zoe they were talking about, it would be a completely different story— a fact which Zoe never failed to point out at any given opportunity.)

Speak of the devil… Zoe appeared in the doorway. She was clutching the stuffed bear that she’s had since she was two. It almost made her look small. “I heard crying,” she said, “but I waited outside.” She met Connor’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

He tried to smile as reassuringly as possible. “I think I caught Evan’s panic attacks,” he joked, pleased when both his mom and his sister managed small laughs.

“C’mon,” Cynthia shook his shoulder. “You should try to get some sleep.”

Connor appreciated that she at least seemed to get that it would not be an easy task for him. He should have taken one of his sleeping pills, but it was too late now. He had to be up in a few hours to pick Evan up for school. He stood up and made his way over to the sink, needing to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth.

Cynthia hugged him and Zoe and wished them both goodnight before going back downstairs and hopefully back to sleep. But Zoe remained hovering in the doorway, watching as Connor brushed his teeth no less than three times.

He turned to her and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as he waited for her to say whatever she was thinking.

“I woke up when you were saying you were dying,” she finally spoke, and Connor nodded slowly. “I’ve sort of been freaking out in the hallway for the last half hour.”

He opened his arms and she fell into them immediately. He buried his face in her hair while she pressed into his chest. “You may not be able to lose Evan, but I can’t lose you,” she mumbled. “Not again.”

“I know,” he whispered, holding her tighter. “You won’t.”

She pulled back, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. “Can I sleep in here?” she asked, sounding almost exactly like she did when she was six years old and would come running into his room every time she had a nightmare.

“Yeah,” he agreed, wanting her there as much as she wanted to be there. 

They got into his bed and Zoe fell asleep almost immediately, but Connor stayed awake, counting the glow stars on his ceiling. He found his phone on his nightstand and stared at the wallpaper. It was a picture of Evan and him. Evan was smiling— the real proper _Evan_ smile that made Connor fall in love with him when he was eleven years old. And he was smiling _at Connor._ Connor is the one who made him smile like that. And Connor is smiling back at him just as brightly. And they just look so… so fucking happy. They make each other so fucking happy.

This is proof. Proof that everything is okay. Proof that everything will be okay.

He fell asleep with his phone still in his hands.

He and Zoe woke up at the same time when his alarm was suddenly blaring directly into their eardrums. They both startled awake and groaned in the exact same tone.

“Turn it off,” Zoe whined, and Connor dug around in the pillows to find and silence his phone. He already had texts from Evan.

_‘I just woke up and Zoe was freaking out???? Are you okay????’_

_‘Connor, please answer me.’_

_‘I know you’re not awake yet but I’m actually losing my mind.’_

_‘Like I know Zoe would have called me if something happened but I really need you to answer me.’_

The texts were only from a few minutes ago, but Connor hit the call button anyway, Evan answered on the first ring. “Connor?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I had a bit of a break down last night and Zoe was scared, I guess, but we’re all okay.” He glanced over at his sister as she picked her head up, eyes wide and apologetic.

Evan let out a relieved breath. “Yeah, no, I— I figured. I just—”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“What happened though? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Ev. It was nothing.”

“It doesn’t sound like it was nothing.”

Connor sighed, running a hand down his face. “I’m fine, okay? I promise. I—” He cut himself off when he caught Zoe’s eye and saw her raising an unimpressed brow at him. _Right, you’re deflecting. Rule number one of dating someone who also has a mental illness: honesty._ He took a deep breath. “It was… scary, but I’m okay now. We can talk about this later, okay?”

The pause was long enough that Connor knew Evan wanted to protest, but thankfully he seemed to realize that 6:30 in the morning over the phone was not the best way to have a serious conversation. “Yeah, okay. I love you. Please tell your sister not to do that to me again.”

“I love you too. And will do. She’s very sorry.”

“Okay. See you in an hour?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Connor repeated, rolling his eyes. He hung up the phone first because he knew Evan didn’t like doing that. He turned to give his sister a dry look.

She winced. “I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t do that to him.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I freaked out and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help and I thought— I don’t know what I was thinking. It was 2AM and I thought you were dying. And in my head I just thought Evan could save you.”

Connor huffed out a half-amused breath. “That’s not exactly flawed logic, at least. Probably would have been over a lot sooner had Evan been here.”

“You thought he was dead?”

Connor grimaced and nodded, feeling his stomach twist at just the reminder. He sat up in the hopes that it would keep his mind from spiraling again, and Zoe followed suit.

“I love Evan,” she said, and Connor glanced at her warily, recognizing a disclaimer when he heard one. “And I know you guys are overall good for each other— _better_ with each and all that… But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes still worry that something will happen to him and I’ll end up losing you too.”

Connor swallowed thickly and nodded. “Yeah, me too,” he admitted. He gave her as serious a look as he could manage this early in the morning. “I wouldn’t kill myself if something happened to him,” he promised her. _I just don’t know how human I would be after. I can’t promise I won’t turn back into a monster._

Zoe seemed to hear the unspoken bits. “He’s not the only good thing in your life, Connor. And he’s not the reason your meds work.”

He took a deep breath and repeated that back to himself. _Your meds work. This is who you are. This isn’t who Evan made you. This is real._ “Yeah, I know.” He had Zoe and his parents, and Alana and Jared, even. They wouldn’t all disappear if Evan did.

He just really wanted Evan not to disappear. Connor didn’t _need_ him, he knew that rationally. But fuck, he _wanted_ him so badly he almost ached whenever he wasn’t around. Evan just made everything so much better and brighter. He was still reason number one to get up in the morning— not the only reason, but the main one.

And he knew the feeling was mutual. That was the crazy part.

Zoe said something about getting ready and he nodded absently, only processing that she was leaving after the door shut behind her. He sighed and forced himself to get out of bed. He found a granola bar on his desk and took a bite before downing his meds. He stumbled into the bathroom, relieved to find it didn’t smell too much like vomit.

By the time he got downstairs he only had twenty minutes before they needed to leave, but he managed to shovel a bowl of cereal into his mouth with only minimal complaints from his family about table manners.

Larry looked around after a few minutes, squinting like he was trying to figure out what was wrong with the picture. “Where’s Evan?” he asked eventually.

Connor smirked. “He’s at his own home, Dad.”

Larry’s brow furrowed. “And you’re not with him?”

“His mom’s home, so…” Connor shrugged noncommittally. It wouldn’t be the first time he had slept over while Heidi was there (though they only ever _slept_ on those occasions), but she was always way more on edge about the whole arrangement than his parents were. Sometimes it was just easier not to.

Last night was a bad example of ‘easier’ —but it wasn’t normally like that.

“Y’know, Dave mentioned his son was starting on his college applications,” Larry started, and Connor only just barely kept from rolling his eyes. “Have you and Evan talked about what you’re doing after you graduate?”

In any other family, that would have been a subtle hint that he thought they should break up, but Connor was pretty sure his dad liked Evan more than him. At least a little bit. Sometimes. No, Larry was genuinely asking what _their_ plans are— as in them together. As in he didn’t think they would break up.

Which was nice. Connor pressed his lips together to keep from smiling. “We’re eloping,” he deadpanned.

“Ha-ha,” Larry replied dryly. “I’m serious, Connor.”

He sighed. “I know, Dad, but I don’t know. School hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park for either of us. And we’re not exactly eager to go running head first into more of it when we don’t even know what we’re doing yet.”

“I thought Evan wanted to major in Environmental Science and you were leaning towards English?”

“Yeah, but what would I do with a degree in English? Alana says I should teach. And in that case I’d be better off majoring in Education, but that doesn’t sound all that great either. Evan still thinks I should go to art school. But that’s stupid. I already know how to draw, for one thing. And an art degree is basically a $300,000 piece of paper.”

“So, major in Education with a focus on English and minor in Visual Arts,” Larry offered. “Or the other way around. Didn’t you say you’d like to design sets?”

“Yeah…” Connor muttered, swirling his milk around. “But so would a lot of people and I’m not any better than any of them.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, sweetie,” Cynthia chided lightly. “You’re very talented.”

“There’s always culinary school too,” Zoe piped up.

Connor put his face in his hands. “There’s too many options!” He peeked up at his dad through his fingers. “Can’t I just be a normal trust fund baby and live off your money for the rest of my life?”

Larry gave him a bored look. “No, Evan would hate that—” Connor groaned “—and so would you if you’re being honest with yourself.”

He huffed and slumped into his seat. “Yeah, whatever, I don’t know.”

“And if you two just want to take a year off and travel we can pay for that too—” he started, but was cut off as Connor let out an involuntary snort.

“Yeah, right. Heidi would flip. She still gets mad when she finds out I bought Evan dinner.”

Cynthia hummed. “Well maybe if she knew…”

Connor threw his head back. “I know, Mom. I agree. But I can’t exactly _make_ Evan come out if he doesn’t want to.”

“Aren’t you two out to the entire school?” she continued. “Doesn’t she talk to the other parents? All my friends know…”

Connor shrugged. “She only talks to Jared’s mom, and Jared’s mom doesn’t know anything about what goes on in our lives. Like, she’s actually clueless.”

“Don’t be rude,” Cynthia chastised.

“No, he’s right,” Zoe jumped in. “Jared’s mom is kind of… all over the place? She’s got nine kids and her oldest is now claiming he wants to be a stripper for a living so she really does not have time to keep up with Jared’s friends’ dating lives. She barely keeps up with Jared. She called me Chloe the other day.”

“Chloe?” Larry repeated.

She nodded. “She thinks Connor and I are twins.”

Cynthia tilted her head appreciatively. “Connor and Chloe would be cute names for twins.”

Zoe smirked at her brother. “In another life.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, this conversation has devolved.” He pushed away from the table. “And we gotta go.”

Zoe shoved the rest of her toast in her mouth and grabbed her bag off the back of the chair.

“Be safe!” Cynthia called after them as they ran out. “Love you!”

“Love you!” Larry added.

“Love you!” they both called together and shut the door behind them.

Connor had an out of body experience as soon as the door was closed, when he and Zoe were both walking to the car and neither of them had said anything yet, in which his brain just replayed the last ten minutes —or even just the last thirty seconds— and tried to figure out how that had happened.

Two months ago he and Zoe had sat in his room and talked through everything that had happened between them. It had taken a long time and a lot of tears, but they were able to forgive each other and find themselves and each other again in that. They were the siblings they used to be. Connor was making a concentrated effort not to let his mental illness hurt the people around him, and Zoe had learned how to deal with him on his bad days. They figured out how to work together again.

And then through Evan, Connor had been able to fix his relationship with his parents (and as a result Zoe had too). Evan wouldn’t give him the details, but he knew he had ended up in a conversation with Cynthia in the middle of the night and he must have passed on some divine mental-illness-wisdom, because the next thing Connor knew his mom actually knew what to say and how to act in ways that wouldn’t set him off. And Evan and Larry had had some heart to heart in the middle of a conversation about pollution in which Evan had ended up telling him about his dad, and Larry had had a wake-up call about being around more and putting the work in to try to understand and relate to and be there for Connor.

And yeah, Connor had had to apologize to them too for the things he’s said and the ways he’s treated them, but it was less on him there. They were the parents, afterall, and they had made a lot of mistakes. The important thing was that they figured it out, and it actually _works._

They’re the happy family they used to be. It’s not fake smiles and awkward silences and screaming matches after dinner. They could talk to each other. They felt comfortable talking to each other. They were all finally on the same side again.

And Connor just wished he could do the same for Evan and Heidi.

“Connor, are you even listening to me?” Zoe’s voice broke through and Connor shook himself, only mildly freaking out when he realized he was driving and hadn’t been paying a single second of attention to where he was going or what he was doing. _Thank god for muscle memory._

“Huh?” he let out eloquently.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “I said there’s a jazz band concert on Friday.”

“Yeah, I know, I already bought the tickets. I told you that.”

“You definitely haven’t told me that.”

Connor looked up. “I’m like 90% sure I did though.” She raised her brows at him. “Okay so maybe like 75%... 50... 10— Look, it doesn’t matter. I bought the tickets. We’re gonna be there.”

“Are you sure you told Evan?”

Connor squinted at the road ahead of him. “Uhm…”

Zoe snorted. “Oh my god.”

“I probably did!”

“Ten bucks says you didn’t.”

They pulled up to Evan’s house and Connor chewed on the inside of his cheek. He’s _pretty sure_ he remembers telling Evan that they’re going to Zoe’s jazz band concert. Like, he’s _almost positive_ that that was a conversation that he didn’t make up in his head. “Deal,” he said as he watched Evan walk out the door. “Now get in the back.”

She rolled her eyes and _climbed_ into the backseat instead of getting out of the car and using the doors like a normal human being.

“You know you wouldn’t have to sit in the back if you got your license.” She had turned sixteen in August and was still putting off testing for her six-month permit— only prolonging getting her license further.

“Why don’t you ever tell Evan to get his license?”

“Because I’m a crazy person and I like that he needs me to drive him places. You on the other hand…” He sent a wicked grin over his shoulder as she scoffed and stuck her tongue out at him.

Evan opened the passenger side door and Zoe immediately pounced. “Hey, Evan, what are you doing on Friday?”

He gave her a wary look as he sat down. “Um, I don’t know? Why does this feel like a test?”

“Ha!” Zoe crowed triumphantly, hitting her brother’s shoulder.

“That doesn’t prove anything! He might have just forgotten.”

Evan squinted between the two of them. “Forgotten what? What’s going on Friday? Is it someone’s birthday or something—”

“See!” Zoe shouted while Connor groaned.

Evan huffed in annoyance. “Connor—”

“Zoe’s got a jazz band concert on Friday,” he explained before his boyfriend could get any huffier. (He’s seen Evan at his huffiest, and he wouldn’t like to revisit that ever again, thank you very much.) “I already bought our tickets. I thought I told you.”

“Oh,” Evan frowned. “Maybe you did?” It was the tone of voice that meant he was lying to try and make him feel better. Connor just sighed and took his wallet out. He grabbed a ten and passed it over the seat to his little sister.

“You gotta stop having imaginary conversations, bro,” she shook her head in sympathy, but took his money anyway.

“I need Adderall,” Connor mumbled. (But he didn’t actually want Adderall because he heard it could mess with his antidepressants and potentially make him angry again and he didn’t want to risk it.)

Evan leaned over to finally kiss him good morning. “You should have texted me. I would have lied for you.”

Connor smirked and reversed out of the driveway. “Ev, I love you, but you’re a terrible liar.”

“Tell that to my mother who still thinks we’re just in a very intense friendship.”

“My mom is still constipated about that by the way,” he said pointedly, giving him the side eye.

“It’s not my fault she’s never home.”

“She was home last night.”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. ‘Hey Mom, welcome to your one and only night off this week. Oh, by the way, I’m gay. And that boy who’s been spending the night all the time? He’s my boyfriend. So go ahead and draw your own conclusions there!’”

Connor raised a bored brow. “You done?”

“I could go on, but your little sister is in the backseat.”

Zoe barely glanced up from her phone. “Evan, I hate to break it to you, but you are really not as quiet as you think you are when you’re at our house.”

Evan promptly choked on his own spit.

“Zoe!” Connor yelled, but she just cackled unrepentantly. “Jesus Christ, you’ve been spending way too much time with Kleinman.”

Evan was horrified. “I want to die,” he said.

“Ugh, do not say shit like that to me today,” Connor snapped. But then Evan gave him these soft sad worried eyes and Connor sort of just melted into putty. “I’m okay, just… not with that today.”

Evan glanced into the backseat to see that even Zoe had gone quiet. He looked like he wanted to demand an explanation for last night right then and there, but Connor was grateful when he seemed to think better of it. “Okay,” he whispered.

They pulled into the school parking lot. Jared was already waiting, leaning against his car next to Connor’s spot. Zoe practically flew out of the car, shutting the door behind her and making a beeline for Jared.

“I don’t know why she’s running,” Connor shook his head. “We’re not talking about this right now.”

Evan frowned. “If you don’t tell me _something,_ I’m going to be anxious all day.”

Connor closed his eyes. It really was not great for him that Evan was his greatest weakness. He was basically incapable of saying no to this boy. He was firmly wrapped around his finger. “I had a panic attack last night,” he admitted through his teeth. “But it’s over now and everything is fine.”

“You…”

“It’s fine, Evan, really. It wasn’t that bad.”

“Zoe thought you were dying. She said you were throwing up.”

“Okay so it was kind of bad. But it’s… I mean, I’ve seen you have worse so—”

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Evan was incredulous. “What happened?”

“I just… I had a nightmare, okay? And I woke up and I panicked because I didn’t know it wasn’t real and it just made me sick and then I thought I was dying because it was two o’clock in the morning and I was delirious. It’s lame and stupid and it doesn’t even _matter_ so if we can just—”

“Connor, it does matter. Of course it matters—”

“Evan—”

“What was the nightmare about?”

Connor closed his eyes and grit his teeth. Because that was the _one question_ he really didn’t want to answer. Evan didn’t need to know about this. He didn’t need to worry about this. “It was nothing.”

“It obviously wasn’t _nothing—”_

“Oh my god,” Connor groaned, throwing his head back. “We’re gonna be late for class.”

“That is the last thing I am worried about right now.”

Connor pursed his lips and glanced at him sideways. “It’s at least like the fifth thing you’re worried about right now.”

Evan gave him a bored look. “You’re more important to me than attendance.”

“Oh, well, _golly—”_

“Connor.”

“Jesus fucking…” he whispered to himself, looking up to a heaven that he only just barely believed in. “Fine. I had a dream you killed yourself. Or actually I had one long continuous nightmare wherein I watched you kill yourself over and over and over again and there was nothing I could do about it,” he grit out. “There. You happy now?”

He made the mistake of looking at him.

Evan looked so horribly heartbroken. The only thing Connor wanted to do was take it all back.

“Con…” he let out, and the sound was all weak and fragile and Connor knew he needed to fix it _immediately._

“It’s fine, Evan. I’m fine. It’s fine. We’re fine. Look, we’re both here! Alive!” He sounded desperate even to his own ears.

Evan launched himself across the console and buried his face in Connor’s neck as he hugged him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.

“I know…”

“I don’t want to die.”

“I know, Ev. I know that.”

“I want to graduate high school and go to college and travel the world and marry you and have kids and… I don’t know… save the world. I can’t die until I save the world. So you don’t have to worry about it, alright?”

That managed to make Connor laugh because _oh my god he’s so cute._ He hugged him back and kissed the top of his head. “Okay, Ev.”

Evan pulled back and _yeah, of course he’s crying._ Connor sighed and wiped his boyfriend’s cheeks. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

Evan pouted and swiped at his own eyes. “No, you’re supposed to tell me these things. I want you to tell me when you’re not okay.”

“Ev, I’m fi—”

“But you weren’t,” he snapped. “Stop trying to protect me from you, Connor. I don’t need that and I certainly don’t want it. You have to tell me when you’re not okay. This won’t work if we’re not honest. You’re the one who said—”

“I know, I know, I know.” Connor grabbed Evan’s hands because he was starting to fling them around in that way he does when he’s upset. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to worry about me worrying about you. That just sounds like a horrible endless cycle. And I don’t want you to feel guilty for telling me about your attempts because you shouldn’t have to carry all that around on your own and I _want_ to help you with that. And it’s not like… I _know_ you’re blowing this up in your head. But I’m seriously not just walking around all the time worried that you’re dead. Does it sometimes hit me that we almost didn’t meet? Yeah, and it fucking sucks. But then I just remind myself that we _did_ meet and you _are_ here and so am I and everything’s okay. It was seriously just a bad night, okay?”

Evan studied him for a long moment. “And you’re not just saying that?”

“I’m not just saying that,” he assured him, making sure to keep eye contact.

Evan bit his lip and let out a ragged breath. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” He glanced at the clock. “And look,” he said slyly, “we still have time to get to class.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “I knew it wasn’t the last thing you were worried about.”

“You were still numbers 1– 4.”

Connor snorted. “Oh my god, okay, let’s go.”

They were still the last ones to get to class, making it in just as the late bell rang. Evan ducked his head as the entire class looked at them and hurried to their seats in the back behind Jared.

“Had to fit in a morning quickie?” Jared teased. He winced (in a completely unsurprised way) when Connor hit him upside the head. “Alana’s mad because you were supposed to meet her at Evan’s locker.”

“Shit,” Connor cursed under his breath and pulled his phone out.

**Alana:** _Where are you?_

**Alana:** _I have to get to class, Connor._

**Alana:** _I’ve been here for 13 minutes._

**Alana:** _And that’s the bell. You better have a good explanation for this. I’ll see you in French._

**Connor:** _i’m so sorry, lana. zoe ratted me out to evan about something that happened last night and he wouldn’t let me go until i assured him that i’m not dying._

**Connor:** _is it justified if i tell you there were tears??_

“Connor! Phone!” Mrs. Cartwright scolded him.

“Sorry! Sorry!” he apologized quickly. (A thing he would have never done two months ago— even if it was to Mrs. Cartwright. He wouldn't have shown weakness with this many of his classmates in the room. He didn’t give a shit about that now.) “Alana Beck was yelling at me. You know how she is.”

A few of the other students actually snickered and Connor couldn’t help but short circuit at that fact. It was hardly the first time in the last four years that he made jokes when getting called out in class, but those had always been met with wary glances and tense silences. Nowadays though, people just weren’t as afraid of him. 

It probably had something to do with the way he was wrapped around Evan Hansen’s little finger. His intimidating all-black ensemble was definitely mitigated by Evan’s bright blue polo shirts and khakis.

_(Worth it.)_

Mrs. Cartwright shook her head, but she was obviously fighting back a smile. “Do what you must to keep your head in tact,” she allowed, “but then it’s phones away.”

Connor gave her a little mock salute and looked back to his phone as the reply came through.

**Alana:** _I suppose that’s alright. Are you okay?_

**Connor:** _we are now._

Then he clicked his phone off and shoved it in his pocket, sending Mrs. Cartwright a small thumbs up that she had to stop herself from laughing at as she began the lesson.

When they got to the individual work, Jared kept turning around in his seat to ask them what they got for every single problem. Connor wanted to be annoyed, but Jared was stuck with Matt Holtzer as a partner who was acting as though he’d never seen a number in his life— as if he tripped and fell into the AP calc roster.

At the end of class though, Jared let Matt copy all his answers before he fucked off with his other dickhead friends, and Connor was sure to lean forward and thump Jared on the back of the head as soon as Matt was gone.

“Will you stop hitting me?” he barked.

“Will you stop being such a pushover?” Connor shot back.

They glared at each other and Evan rolled his eyes. “Play nice,” he chimed, and they both turned their glares onto him instead.

Connor’s, of course, softened almost immediately.

Jared scoffed. “Evan, I’m pretty sure you could literally murder someone in cold blood and MCR over here would still act like you’re an angel.”

Connor didn’t bother denying it. “If Evan murdered someone he’d have good reason,” he defended.

“You’d totally take the fall for him.”

“Obviously.” He gestured to his boyfriend. “Do you know what they’d do to him in prison?”

Evan scrunched his face up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jared snorted. “It means you’re a twink, acorn. You’d get passed around like a bong.”

Evan’s eyes widened and he turned bright red. Connor had to press his lips together to keep from laughing. He ducked his head to hide behind his hair, but the shaking must have given him away because Evan smacked his arm.

“What?” Connor sputtered, trying and utterly failing to school his features into innocence. “Jared said it!”

“You implied it!” Evan hissed. “And you aren’t disagreeing!”

Connor’s eyes widened as he bit down on his lip _hard._ Evan’s mouth fell open and Connor had to dodge his next smack. “I’m sorry! It’s just…” he gestured helplessly to Evan’s… everything. “Y’know…”

Jared was practically rolling. “Oh my god this is priceless!” he cackled, and Evan turned his glare on him. “Oh, calm down, acorn. It’s a compliment.”

Evan crossed his arms and pouted. Which… really didn’t help his case. But Connor wasn’t about to point that out. “Feels like you’re making fun of me,” he muttered.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Every queer man from here to New York City is jealous of Murphy and you know it.”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “That is not—”

Connor and Jared groaned dramatically in unison. “He seriously doesn’t know how hot he is,” Jared complained, looking at Connor. “You are failing at your job.”

“I tell him he’s hot!” Connor was indignant. “It’s not my fault he’s got a complex.”

Evan huffed. “This is not what I meant when I said play nice,” he grumbled. “Go back to fighting about normal things.”

“There is nothing abnormal about the love one man feels for another!” Jared protested.

Connor grinned. “Yeah, Evan.”

Evan looked so done with both of them. “There’s something abnormal about the fact that I continue to put up with you two.”

Connor frowned while Jared shook his head. “I don’t get it either,” the latter said. “Murphy must have a massive—”

“Okay!” Evan and Connor spoke over him together, back on the same side. There was a big difference between ‘twink’ and ‘cock’ when it came to things they’re willing to discuss (/endure, in Evan’s case) in the back of the class while everyone else was also talking. There was just no need to explicitly describe anyone’s anatomy at nine o’clock in the morning.

Jared rolled his eyes. “And the wonder couple is back,” he said mildly in the tone of someone who had meant for this to happen. Connor was starting to believe that for the most part Jared did know what he was doing when he made inane comments. He didn’t always have _good_ intentions, but he did have intentions, at least. Which probably counted for something.

The bell rang and Jared booked it. He had computer science next and he had to get there fast or get stuck with one of the old computers that was still running Windows 97. 

Connor bumped Evan’s shoulder as they exited at a much more leisurely pace. “Are you mad at me?”

Evan pursed his lips. “No. But I may or may not be seriously considering murdering Jared and letting you take the fall for it.”

“I would actually go to prison for you though.”

“I know.” Evan smirked, and the look he gave Connor made him fear for his life in the best way possible. Because Evan Hansen _knew_ that he had Connor Murphy wrapped around his finger. Which was terrifying in an extremely sexy way.

Connor chased him into their next class. 

Coach Freeman stepped out of the room just as the bell was ringing, so they were all left to their own devices.

Connor drummed his fingers against the desk. “So my dad was asking me about our future this morning.”

Evan frowned. “Like…?” His eyes were so wide and fearful, Connor didn’t have to hear the rest of the question to know where his boyfriend’s mind had gone.

“What? No. Obviously not. I’m pretty sure he’s already written the speech he wants to give at our wedding.”

“Oh.” Evan let out a small relieved breath. “So…?”

“College and stuff. He also offered us money for if we wanted to take a year to travel and figure out what we want to do with our lives.”

Evan paled. “My mom would have a cow.”

“That’s what I said.”

“That sounds so much better than writing these stupid scholarship essays though.” He laid his head down on his desk. “I’m actually about to lose my mind. She spent the entire evening reminding me how expensive college is.”

“Yeah but if you apply to private schools they’ll probably offer a full ride once they see your FAFSA.”

“Ugh. I never want to hear ‘FAFSA’ ever again.”

“Consider it stricken from my lexicon.”

“I have to take the SAT again,” Evan moaned. Connor had heard the complaint before. Apparently Evan had taken the test for the second time this past summer and had been so on edge that he only got through half of the reading section before time was called.

“Your math and science scores were good though.” Connor still hadn’t told Evan what he’d gotten on the SAT last year. He was just a lucky guesser, really. And his math and science scores were only a little better than average. It’s just that his reading and english scores were perfect. _Definitely didn’t need to tell Evan that though._ “You’re on meds that actually work now so that won’t happen again,” he assured him. “You got a 100 on our last lit test.”

“Our lit test was a lot shorter than the SAT and didn’t count towards my future in higher education.”

“Just don’t overthink it.”

Evan turned his head to stare up at him. “Hi, I’m Evan. I don’t believe we’ve met?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You were okay during the ACT,” he tried. Which was true. They’d taken it together and by some miracle were put into the same testing room. Evan had sat behind him and kept his leg outstretched and pressed against Connor’s the entire time, occasionally putting his hand against his back as well. Connor can’t actually say for certain that he did well on the test himself since he was half-focused on Evan the entire time, but he could always take it again later.

“But you’re not gonna be there.”

“Do you want me to take it again?”

“Did you seriously just ask me if I want you to spend $100 to take a three hour test that you don’t even need on the off-chance that we might end up in the same testing room again?”

Connor shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“Absolutely not. What are you gonna do in college? Sign up for all my classes so that I never have to raise my hand?”

Connor didn’t miss a beat. “My dad would be over the fucking moon if I majored in environmental science.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

He opened his mouth to reply but Coach Freeman came back in then and almost immediately started teaching, clearly trying to make up for the time they’d just lost, and they all had to scramble to get their notebooks open and scribble down what he was saying.

Half way through class Evan raised his hand and asked a question and he only stuttered a little bit. And Connor _knew_ he’d only worked up the courage specifically to be sassy and give him a pointed look, but Connor didn’t care what his reasons were. He did not stop smiling for the rest of class.

When they got into the hallway he immediately lifted Evan off his feet and kissed him.

Evan kissed him back, but when he was back on the floor he gave Connor a bored look. “You did not just do that because I _asked a question.”_

_“Of course_ I did that because you asked a question. I’m proud of you.” He slung an arm over his shoulders and started them towards Evan’s next class.

“That’s sad.”

“Um fuck you no it isn’t. You never would have done that two months ago. Also I think you’re really cute when you talk to other people.”

“‘When I talk to other people,’” Evan repeated. “You mean when I’m a sweaty stuttering mess.”

“Uh, no. Because if you’re really uncomfortable then all I wanna do is punch whoever it is in the face then take you and run away.” He waited for Evan to laugh before going on. “But when you’re not super uncomfortable you just blush and look really adorable and it’s so unfair.”

Evan flushed and ducked his head. “Shut up.”

“You could actually take over the world, I swear. Everyone would just let you. Mothers would probably hand over their newborns if you asked them to.”

Evan sighed, shaking his head at his boyfriend’s antics as they reached the Spanish classroom. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, going up on his toes to kiss him.

“I’m serious,” Connor countered. “Ask Jared.”

“Jared doesn’t count.”

“Mhm,” Connor drolled, and then squeezed his hip. “See you at lunch.” He kissed him again and they went their separate ways for the next two hours.

Connor pulled out his phone as soon as he was in his French class. Jared had recently changed the chat’s name again.

**[Jared Kleinman changed the group name to ‘evan hansen is a twink’]**

**Zoe:** _way to state the obvious_

**Jared:** _LMAO_

**Connor:** _raise your hand if you’d give evan your first born child if he asked nicely_

**Zoe: 🙋🏼**

**Alana:** 🙋🏿

**Jared:** 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

**Evan: 🙄**

**Connor:** _thank you for participating in this survey. your answers have been recorded._

**[Evan Hansen changed the group name to ‘shut up’]**

Alana sat down in the desk next to him and raised a brow, and Connor remembered he’s technically still in her bad books.

“Right,” he said, digging through his bag and pulling out the list of artists she’d made him get to donate to the art tent at the fall festival. The art teacher, Mrs. Martinez, had been kind enough to give him recommendations, but she’d firmly insisted that he be the one to ask them. He’d attempted to argue that he never saw any of the students that weren’t in his class, but she’d rebutted that by handing him a stack of signed hall passes and telling him to come by whenever. Which basically resulted in Connor putting it off until having to scramble to get all the help Alana needed while convincing people he barely knew that this wasn’t some elaborate prank. 

“Here you go. Their emails are all on there. I know you said phone numbers too but random freshmen weren’t exactly keen to hand those over.” He made a vague gesture to his appearance in explanation.

“Thanks for this, Connor,” Alana said genuinely. She set the paper aside and turned to him with the posture that Connor had learned meant she had an agenda. “Now what happened this morning?”

Connor sighed. Alana had quickly become his best friend (that-isn’t-his-boyfriend-or-sister), and he knew from experience that she rarely let things go. She was a lot like Evan, actually. Except she had _high-functioning_ anxiety. Which just meant that Connor and Evan were a little bit afraid of her. “Everything’s fine.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Is this about Evan coming out again?”

“What? No. I told you I don’t care about that.”

“Actually you went on a forty-five minute rant about it which you concluded with ‘but I don’t care, whatever’ which is not the same thing.”

“It wasn’t about that though, so.”

“You’re allowed to be upset about it.”

“I’m not upset about it.”

“It bothers you.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

“Connor.”

“Lana.” Connor knew he was being childish, but there was really no point in talking about this. It’s not like he was _mad._ He understood why Evan didn’t want to tell his mom and he knew it had nothing to do with him. Evan had _anxiety._ This wasn’t about Connor. _It’s not about you. It’s not about you. He loves you. He’s not embarrassed by you. It’s not about you._

“You should tell him how you feel.”

“I feel nothing.”

“Well that’s just blatantly untrue.”

Connor was relieved when Madame Blanchard started class and Alana had to stop trying to push him to have this conversation. He was tired of thinking about this. He was tired of everyone constantly bringing it up. Between his parents and Zoe and Alana and even Jared when he felt like making fun of one or both of them. It was stupid and there was nothing he could do about it anyway so what was the point in talking about it all the time?

Madame Blanchard introduced new vocabulary that he already knew and he spent the rest of the class helping everyone else with their pronunciation. His fourth period was basically just a cycle of, “Connor, _comment dites-vous cela?”_

This was probably the worst part about people not being afraid of him anymore. He couldn’t just spend his french period messing around on his phone or making inane conversation with Madame Blanchard.

She also told them they’d have a script presentation next week. Connor offered to write it because it would take him a whole of five minutes, but Alana insisted that she needed the practice more than he did and that he could edit it when she was finished.

So it was a slow class.

Classes without Evan were usually slow.

His next period was food science though, so at least in there he had something to do. Mrs. Day had him tempering chocolate which was a headache and half, but it was better than monitoring freshmen and making sure they didn’t blow the kitchen up (which is what she normally made him do as the only senior).

Evan giggled when he saw him at his locker. “You have…” He reached up and swiped his thumb across Connor’s neck. “Is that chocolate?”

“Ugh.” Connor rubbed at his neck while Evan licked his finger (which was very distracting actually and not at all appropriate for a school hallway). “I spent the last hour drowning in chocolate.”

“Well you got out remarkably clean if you were _drowning,_ ” Evan teased. He went up on his toes to kiss him, licking into his mouth briefly before pulling back. “Yep, definitely chocolatey.”

_Jesus Christ he’s so cute._ “Where are we eating today?” he asked. 

Since befriending Jared, Alana, and Zoe, they usually would brave the cafeteria to sit with them. For a while they would all go out to the courtyard, but it was October now and kind of too cold for that. Sometimes they would smuggle Zoe out with them to take advantage of senior privileges to eat off campus, but they could hardly do that everyday. Not just because it risked Zoe getting detention but also because it drained their bank accounts. Plus the whole thing with Heidi getting upset every time she found out Connor spent money on Evan and giving her son a complex about it even though _she doesn’t know—_

Zoe appeared out of nowhere. “I need tacos.”

He raised a brow at his sister. “You _need_ them?”

“Yes.” She was already pulling out her phone to text the group chat.

**Zoe:** 🚗🌮

**Jared: 👍🏽🔜**

**Alana:** _Is Connor driving?_

Less than thirty seconds later they were all at Evan’s locker and looking at Connor expectantly.

He rolled his eyes. “I guess.”

‘Smuggling Zoe out’ really wasn’t that hard. There was never anyone at the doors checking their IDs. Technically the school resource officer was patrolling the lots to make sure only senior cars were leaving, but all that meant was that underclassmen just had to befriend seniors to be able to leave. For the most part seniors weren’t about to chauffeur people around though so it really wasn’t an issue. 

They piled into Connor’s car and drove to the taco place and he somehow ended up paying for everyone too. Except then Jared and Alana discreetly sent him money on Venmo. Which would have been great if it didn’t also irritate him because the only reason they did it without saying anything was so Evan wouldn’t also pay him back and they end up getting into a fight about it again. Which they wouldn’t fight about it if it wasn’t for Heidi. Who wouldn’t even be a problem if Evan just _told her—_

“Zo, will you pass me the hot sauce?” he interrupted his own train of thought as he resolutely swiped the Venmo notifications away.

She tossed the packets to him and he caught them deftly. He then proceeded to drown his food, ignoring all the incredulous/disgusted looks he was getting from his friends. He was cooking them dinner like half of the time so they weren’t allowed to make comments on his food choices.

“So Matt Holtzer invited me to his Halloween party,” Jared said, trying way too hard to sound casual.

Connor stared at him. “Didn’t you learn your lesson the last time you went to Matt Holtzer’s party?”

Evan tilted his head. “Is that why you let him copy off you in math?”

“No, I let him copy off me in math because I don’t feel like being the victim of a hate crime.”

“Does he know you’re bi?” Zoe asked.

“I dunno but I’m pretty sure he’s anti-semitic.”

Connor attempted to portray how stupid he thought Jared was with just his face. “So then _why_ are you considering going to his party?”

“Because it’s Halloween and every girl at our school is going to be there dressed as a sexy-something.”

Since Jared was the only one at the table who was interested in girls, the rest of them all wrinkled their noses at him.

“C’mon! You can’t let me go by myself!”

Zoe shook her head. “I’ve already been informed that if I go anywhere near that party that Rachel and Bella intend to end my life.”

“Jesus Christ, are they still on your ass?” Connor asked.

“They are _up_ my ass at the point,” she sighed.

“You could report them for bullying,” Alana suggested.

Zoe scoffed. “That never works. I’d just get even further exiled.”

“I thought you started talking to Elsie again?” Evan asked.

“Yeah, Elsie’s cool.” She shrugged. “We just don’t have a lot of classes together.”

“We’ve gotten off topic,” Jared complained.

Alana sighed. “Jared, you should not go to Matt Holtzer’s party. We can find something better to do on Halloween and all be together.”

“But I don’t wanna see Evan’s sexy tree costume,” he whined.

Evan turned red. “I would not—”

“Don’t lie, Kleinman,” Connor interrupted.

“I know you think he hung the moon, _Murphy,_ but even Evan would have a hard time making a tree sexy,” Jared replied blandly.

“Bet.”

“No!” Evan huffed. “First off that’s just— _offensive._ To trees. I mean, why would anybody even do that? I hope that’s not actually a thing.”

Jared immediately took out his phone to google ‘sexy tree costume’ while Connor had a small aneurysm over how adorable his boyfriend is.

The search yielded sexy Christmas trees, which somehow led into other sexy Christmas costumes and spiraled into a discussion on why someone would want a costume for Christmas anyway, and whether or not it’s blasphemous.

“Gentiles are wild,” Jared concluded, and Evan nodded solemnly.

They got back in the car and Jared complained that Evan always got to sit up front while the girls made him take the middle seat.

“Sleep with the driver and you get special privileges,” Evan quipped, earning snorts from the rest of the car.

“Is that you giving me permission to sleep with your boyfriend?”

“Absolutely not.” Evan wasn’t even a little surprised by Jared’s comments about wanting to sleep with them. It was just a given at this point. He’d probably be worried if Jared _hadn’t_ asked that.

They got back to school with some time left, but Evan and Connor decided to head straight to their next class anyway, since Evan wanted to check on some plants in the courtyard before the period started.

The tree in the courtyard had turned orange about a week ago and was steadily starting to lose its leaves (which, Evan had complained, basically turned the class into an hour of raking). But he could usually weasel his way out of raking since he was the only one capable of taking care of the rest of the garden on his own.

It wasn’t too cold, so they petered around outside while they waited for the bell to ring.

“What about working for a culinary magazine?” Evan asked suddenly, and Connor squinted at him. “It would combine your main interests, right? Writing, cooking, and art to a certain extent since it has to look good and be creative.”

Connor tilted his head in consideration. “Yeah, I guess that would be cool. And if that’s my goal it would make sense to do both college and culinary school. So I don’t have to choose.”

“And it sounds way more like you than like… running a restaurant or teaching. Not that you couldn’t do those things. You just never sounded excited about them.”

“That’s a really good idea, Ev.”

He smiled up at him. “Really?”

Connor leaned down to kiss him. “Definitely.”

And he didn’t stop thinking about that for the rest of the day. He barely paid any attention through science and lit, and by the time he got to art he had an unfamiliar desire to write out a ten year plan. But that would require Evan to be sitting next to him. He took out his phone to text him.

**Connor:** _i’m sitting here planning for five years from now but yet i have no idea where i’m sleeping tonight_

**Evan:** _My house._

**Connor:** _your mom has work?_

**Evan:** _Yep ;)_

**Connor:** _hm?_

**Evan:** _;) ;) ;)_

**Connor:** _you’re so cute wtf_

**Evan:** _;)_

**Evan:** _So what are we doing in five years?_

**Connor:** _getting married_

**Evan:** _I hope you’re not proposing to me via text._

**Connor:** _no i’m thinking flash mob_

**Connor:** _singing, dancing, elephants… really gonna make a whole show of it. closing down a city block. we’ll make the news._

**Evan:** _You’re the worst._

**Connor:** _;)_

When the final bell finally rang Connor was out of there in under a minute. He took a sharp left when he realized he’d be standing next to Evan’s locker for entirely too long though and went to the APES classroom instead to pick him up. His suspicions were confirmed when he found Evan was still in the garden.

As soon as he spotted Connor he held up a carrot, looking entirely too pleased with himself (and entirely too adorable). “Look!” he exclaimed.

“A carrot?”

“A carrot!”

Connor shook his head as he laughed. “That’s a great carrot, Ev.”

“I know, thank you.” He stood up and dusted the dirt off his hands. “Does Zoe have band?”

“Nah, she’s probably waiting for us.”

“I can be done here then.” He went over to the hose and rinsed off his hands.

“Are you sure?” Connor asked, even as he grabbed Evan’s bag and threw it over his shoulder. “She can wait. It’s not like Jared would just leave while she’s still standing there. And she hasn’t texted me yet.”

Evan shook his head and took his hand. “What are we doing for dinner?”

“Do you wanna go out?”

“Eh, not really. My mom left money for take out?”

“Sounds good.” Connor really did not feel like cooking. It was a relatively easy day, but he still only got like four hours of sleep last night. His mom’s cooking was getting better as she stopped exiling meat and dairy, but she was still prioritizing health over flavor. Take out was the best option.

“Good,” Evan agreed. “That’ll make up for lunch.”

Connor bit back an annoyed sigh. “You don’t have to ‘make up for’ anything.”

Evan hummed. “We’ve already had this argument.”

“It’s not an argument.” Connor clenched his jaw.

“Yeah, that’s why you look constipated.”

Connor rolled his eyes as they made it out to the parking lot. Jared and Zoe were leaning against his car, looking like they were in the middle of a very important conversation.

“Are you coming home?” she asked.

“I’m dropping you off but then we’re leaving.” Connor shrugged, “I guess we could go in if mom and dad are home.” He looked to Evan for confirmation and got a nod of agreement in return. “Forewarning: my dad will ask us about college.”

Zoe snorted. “He wants to give you his law firm when he retires.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “I do not— I could not be a lawyer. I want to— research.” He coughed and twisted his hands into his shirt.

Connor rubbed his back. “She’s kidding,” he assured him, shooting his sister a pointed look.

“Yeah, right, obviously, just kidding,” Zoe hurried out, rocking back on her heels and biting her lip. Which was her tell. But Evan was thankfully too busy staring at his shoes to notice.

Jared grimaced. “Well, as interesting as your weird family dynamics are, I’m gonna head out.” He shot them finger guns and stepped backwards towards his car, and Zoe took the opportunity to slip into the backseat of Connor’s.

“You’re freaking out,” Connor observed.

“I am not freaking out,” Evan protested, though he was digging his nails into his palms. 

“My dad doesn’t care if you become a lawyer.”

“Right. Obviously. Why would he care?”

“Well he does _care,_ but not about—” Connor groaned in frustration. “He’s not gonna be disappointed if you say you’d rather focus on research than law. He’ll be happy either way. At least _you_ have a plan.”

“You have a plan too,” Evan argued. 

“My plan basically begins and ends with you.”

Evan shot him a bored look and walked towards the passenger side door. “That’s not even true and you know it,” he said, getting into the car, and Connor followed him in. “You keep acting like you don’t want to go to culinary school in France but you obviously do.”

Connor put the car into reverse and drove out of the lot. “I don’t _care_ where I—”

“Stop.”

Connor huffed out a frustrated breath. “Fine. Yeah. That would be cool. But it’s not realistic, first off. And that’s not even— I wouldn’t even do that until after I get my bachelor’s anyway. So there’s no point in talking about it right now.”

“Why are you avoiding this?” Evan demanded, and Connor looked into the rearview mirror to see Zoe put in her earbuds. “Would you… Would you not want me to go with you?”

His voice was so small and heartbreaking and Connor cursed the fact that he was driving because it meant he couldn’t immediately pull his boyfriend into his arms. “Evan, no, why would you— Of course I would want you to come with me!”

Evan appeared to be taking deep breaths. “Right, yeah, of course.”

“It’s just kind of a lot to ask of someone?” Connor sighed. “It’s a year of your life in another country where you don’t speak the language, and you’d be putting off grad school.”

“I can go to grad school whenever. I’ll probably want to take a year off anyway. And I can… I can learn French. Probably. Or… I mean, don’t most french people speak English anyway?”

“I mean, yeah, but it’s still gonna be difficult.”

“I know that.”

“You have anxiety.”

Evan’s face scrunched up. “I’m not completely helpless.”

“No, I know that,” Connor assured him quickly. “That’s not what I meant. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you to do something you don’t want to do. I mean, I don’t _have_ to go to France for culinary school. There’s plenty of good schools in New York.”

“But that’s not what you really want.”

“But it’s what makes the most sense. That way you don’t have to put your life on pause just so that I—”

“I wouldn’t be—” Evan made an annoyed noise. “It’s not— We don’t have _separate_ lives here, Connor. If you want to be in France, then that’s where I want to be too. I mean, I never would have even imagined this was the sort of conversation I would ever be having. I didn’t think I _had a future,_ Connor.” His voice pitched low and Connor was a little worried he was about to cry, so he was grateful when they pulled into the driveway and Zoe immediately fled from the car. 

“Ev…”

“No, listen.” He turned sideways in his seat and took Connor’s hand. “You keep acting like your life revolves around me and that shouldn’t be— this is a _relationship,_ Connor. We make decisions together. You are not going to blindly follow me to whatever school I can get into and afford and you are not going to miss an opportunity you’ve been secretly dreaming about for years because of me. I would never ask that of you. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out. _Together.”_

“I just want you to be happy.”

_“You_ make me happy.”

“Okay, and if me wanting to go to France would not make you happy—”

“Oh my god,” Evan mumbled and then he leaned forward to kiss him. “Shut up. Please. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?”

“What?” Connor sputtered.

“My mother makes $30,000 a year, Connor, and she’s seriously in debt. But yet I’m currently sitting here in your Audi in front of your million dollar home, talking about moving to France.”

Connor wrinkled his nose. “Okay, but now you’re making me feel like I _Pretty Woman_ -ed you.”

Evan smirked. “You sort of did.”

“Oh my god. I am not your sugar daddy.”

Evan laughed and reached up to tuck Connor’s hair behind his ear. _“Obviously._ I’m just saying. My point is that I didn’t have a future before you, Connor. And that’s— you are what’s most important to me. And I’m not going to see living in France for a year as a _sacrifice._ I want to do what’s going to make you happy too. This is a two way street.”

Connor pressed his lips together and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I can tell you’re thinking something else though.”

Connor winced. “Is the money thing… Like does that bother you?”

“Am I bothered that you have money?” Evan clarified, incredulous, and Connor nodded. “No? I don’t— I don’t understand the question. Why would that bother me?”

“It’s just… y’know, you bring it up a lot. Like when I pay for dinner or anything. It just seems like you think you should feel guilty. And you shouldn’t.”

Evan blinked slowly. “Right… I didn’t know I was bringing it up that often? I mean, I’m sorry. I just think… I mean we’ve grown up very differently, clearly. It’s just… money is something I have to think about? It’s something I’ve always had to think about. And you haven’t. So it might just seem like… I don’t know. I guess I do feel guilty sometimes? You pay for me a lot and I can’t exactly return the favor most of the time so I guess it just— feels unequal sometimes. And sometimes I worry that you might start resenting me eventually, y’know…” He swallowed thickly.

Connor’s brows drew together and he looked upwards as he tried to figure out how to respond to that. “Right… so. Okay, I guess first off. I don’t resent you and I’m never going to resent you— especially not over something as stupid as _money,_ Evan. And yeah, I get that that’s a privileged position I get to take as a rich kid. But I guess that’s my point. I think we just think of money differently because of how we grew up. Like, I get how you would think someone could be resentful over spending money on someone, but I’ve just… I’ve literally never experienced that? That sounds so fucking bitchy, oh my god, but y’know what I mean, right? Like, I just. I don’t see money as a stressor or… or something you can hold over someone’s head. Or even just… I don’t even _consider_ it most of the time. I genuinely have no fucking clue how much money I’ve spent on you. I’ve never thought about it. I don’t think about it.”

Evan nodded slowly. “Yeah… I guess that makes sense.”

“And you’re about to get mad at me but I have to say something because it’s been really bothering me.”

Evan gave him a wary look. “Okay…?”

“Just… your mom.” Connor cringed. “Not— I mean, I love your mom, okay. She’s great. But it’s just really annoying that she’s constantly bringing up me spending money on you?” He glanced at his boyfriend. “I’m pretty sure she’s giving you a complex. Which is frustrating just by itself, but it also directly involves me? She seems to think that I see you as a charity case which is just… offensive. To me and to you. And I know it gets to you too.”

Evan squinted at him, pursing his lips. “It’s—” he cut himself off with a sigh and looked down to his lap. “I mean, you’re not wrong,” he mumbled.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that.”

Connor could think of one thing. “You don’t think that maybe if she knew—”

“Connor.”

“I’m just saying—”

“No.”

He couldn’t hold back the noise of frustration, and Evan snapped around to glare at him.

“We’ve already had this conversation.”

Connor tilted his head. “Have we though?”

“I told you I’m not ready,” Evan grit out

“But you haven’t told me _why,_ Ev.” His voice broke and the raw emotion underneath came through. Connor bit down on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. He could feel Evan’s eyes boring into his profile, but he couldn’t look at him. He turned back in his seat and put the car into reverse, backing out of the driveway.

Evan waited until they turned back onto the main road to speak. “What are you doing?” he asked quietly.

“We’re going to your house,” Connor answered, fingers clenching around the steering wheel. “That was the plan, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, but…” he drifted off.

“What?” Connor snapped. “Is your mom coming home now? Do I need to hide in your closet?” It was a low blow and they both knew it, but Connor was too keyed up to apologize right then and Evan was too anxious to call him out for it.

“Sorry,” Evan whispered instead, and Connor closed his eyes as his heart broke.

He kept his mouth shut tight though until they were at Evan’s house, and even then all he said was “C’mon” before opening his door and going around to get both their bags from the back. Really, he shouldn’t assume that Evan would want him anywhere near him right now, but he wasn’t about to leave him alone after that either.

As soon as they were inside Evan folded himself into the corner of the couch, arms crossed over his stomach and knees pulled up to his chest. Connor sighed at the familiar posture and dropped their bags on the steps. He sat down next to him, folding one leg underneath himself so that he could face him.

“I’m sorry,” he started. “That was out of line.”

Evan didn’t look at him, just moved one hand up to pull at a loose thread in his jeans. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry that it bothers me that you haven’t come out to your mom,” Connor went on. “I wish I could just be super understanding and supportive all the time. But I’m still— It’s not an excuse, but I still have a voice in the back of my head telling me that the reason you don’t want to tell her is because you’re ashamed of me.”

Evan finally snapped his head around at that, eyes wide. “Connor, that’s not—”

“I know,” Connor mumbled.

“No, you—” Evan huffed out in frustration and unfolded himself, turning to mirror Connor’s position. “I’m just scared, okay? I’m scared of her reaction. I’m scared of most people’s reactions all the time but this is especially… She’s just. She’s gonna ask a lot of questions. And I don’t know how I’m going to answer them. And she might be _disappointed._ I mean… She has an image in her head, right? Of how my life is going to go. And she’s still half convinced I’m going to _grow out of my anxiety._ Like that’s a permanent diagnosis and she still has hope that maybe it’s just a phase. So what if… I mean, what if she says that about this? I couldn’t— I couldn’t handle that. I can’t.”

“Evan, being mentally ill and being gay are not the same thing.”

“I know that.”

“Okay.”

“I just can’t— I can’t even imagine telling her. It just sounds so awkward and weird and like… dramatic. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have to— it shouldn’t be a big deal. She shouldn’t have assumed I was straight, anyway, actually. That’s— that’s not fair.”

Connor fought back a laugh. “You’re right.”

Evan bit his lip, eyes wide. “She’ll like… she’ll figure it out eventually, right? Maybe— maybe I don’t have to tell her? Y’know? She’ll probably get the hint when we move in together. Or, I mean, definitely by the time we’re married.”

Connor shook his head, torn between amused and horrified. “Evan…”

Evan groaned and covered his face with his hands. He peeked out between his fingers. “How about _you_ tell her for me?”

He gave him a bored look. “No.”

“Or I could just post it on Facebook…”

“Absolutely not, Evan.”

“I’ll buy a pride flag and hang it in my room and she’ll get the hint.”

“You don’t think she wouldn’t still ask questions if she saw a pride flag hanging in your room?” Connor asked incredulously.

“I don’t know!” Evan fell forward, pressing his forehead into Connor’s shoulder, which Connor was just glad meant he was forgiven.

Connor rubbed his back and tried to think of how to help in this situation. It was a little bit like when Evan was afraid to make phone calls, right? (Or just any conversation with strangers for that matter.) Because he couldn’t predict what they were going to say. He doesn’t know how his mom is going to react so he doesn’t feel like he can prepare. With phone calls, Connor will usually just help him write out a script akin to those used at call service centers— a “if they say X then you say Y” type of deal. And then he’ll sit there with him and let Evan hold his hand or pretend he’s just speaking to Connor.

“Do… do you want me to be there with you?” he asked hesitantly. It didn’t really seem like the answer, but it was at least _an_ answer, so he figured he’d offer.

Evan shifted so that he was against Connor’s chest, and Connor moved to sit back so that Evan could curl around him. “No. I think she’d feel blindsided if you were there. Like we were ganging up on her. Or like I don’t trust her or something.”

Connor hummed in mild agreement. He didn’t know Heidi that well (she wasn’t around often), but from what he’s gathered she’s pretty defensive. She tended to assume that everyone thinks everything is her fault. Not unlike Evan, actually, but she lashed out. So maybe more like Connor, pre-meds.

He tried a different approach. “What questions are you worried she’s gonna ask?”

Evan sighed and tightened his hold around Connor’s waist. “I don’t know… Like, since when and how and who and… everything.”

Connor looked up, trying to remember how his own coming out had gone. “My parents didn’t ask questions,” he told him.

Evan glanced up at him. “Really?”

“No. Not anything that invasive like you’re imagining, anyway. I guess they probably knew there was no way I was seeing anybody and I was only fourteen so…” he shrugged. “They just asked if I was okay with that, and I told them it was the only thing about myself that I was okay with, and that was sort of the end of it. They tried to lean into it some— Mom bought me that pride flag in my room and she went to a bunch of queer parent meetings and started protesting for marriage equality. Cos y’know, it was pre-2015. Dad made a point to ask about boys instead of girls. I think they hoped it meant I wouldn’t be depressed anymore if I found a boyfriend or the queer community or something.”

Evan gave him a teasing smile. “Did you tell them about me when they asked if you had any crushes?”

Connor flushed. “No. Obviously not.” He scratched at his arm and Evan caught the movement— it was his tell.

“Oh my god!” Evan sat up, grinning from ear to ear. “You did!”

“No, I didn’t.” He made a concentrated effort not to scratch, but his hand still twitched and he could feel how red his face was getting. “Shut up.”

Evan was practically beaming as he bounced up and down slightly. Which was just unfair. _He’s so fucking cute._ “C’mon,” Evan prodded. “What’d you say?” He batted his eyelashes in that way that he _knew_ made Connor weak.

“You are so…” he drifted off into annoyed grumbling. 

Then Evan pouted which was definitely worse because Connor had something built into him that just refused to ever not give Evan whatever the hell he wanted. Evan could ask him to assassinate the president and Connor would find a way to do it. It was good, really, for everyone’s sake, that Evan was a good person. 

“It was just the one time,” he admitted, annoyed when his stomach flipped at just the memory.

“What was it?”

Connor glared at him, but the glare quickly gave way to whatever the opposite of a glare is. Heart eyes, probably, if that’s something that people can do in real life. “It was junior year and you smiled at me— or not even really at me, probably, but like… you were smiling and then you were looking in my direction. And then I just had a really good day. People were still assholes, obviously, but I just didn’t give a shit because all I could think for the rest of the day was _‘Evan Hansen smiled at me.’”_ He rolled his eyes at himself. “And then my parents asked me how my day went and it just sort of slipped out.”

Evan pressed his lips together, his eyes wide and round and just _so fucking cute._ “That’s adorable, Con.”

“Yeah, well,” Connor rolled his eyes again. The rest of that story was not cute. Zoe got pissed because apparently she also thought Evan was cute, and she proceeded to inform Connor that he shouldn’t go anywhere near Evan because he’d scare him and Evan was straight anyway so actually it was creepy for him to be talking about him like this.

His parents had thankfully cut her off, but she had already confirmed all the things he’d been thinking for the last six years. He’d stormed up to his room and slammed the door and cried for the rest of the evening, clawing at his hair and praying to be anybody else but himself.

And now… now Evan was climbing into his lap, straddling his hips, and bringing their lips together. Connor caught up with the program just in time to kiss him back, hands automatically going up to grip his hips and keep him firmly in place.

Evan licked into his mouth and Connor promptly forgot what they had been talking about. 

He pulled back too soon. “Bedroom?” he asked, and all Connor could do was nod and squeeze his ass one last time before they were scrambling up the stairs, 

Evan was thrown against the door as soon as it was closed. Connor pressed into him and pulled at his thighs. Evan obediently jumped and let Connor catch him, legs going around his waist. He used the door as leverage to buck his hips and Connor groaned into his mouth.

Connor walked them over to the bed and all but tossed Evan onto the mattress. He took off his shirt and hoodie in one go while Evan was already unzipping his pants. Connor reached down and yanked Evan to the edge of the bed, and Evan added his own shirt to the pile before unbuttoning Connor’s jeans as well.

He pushed his underwear aside and pulled Connor out, eyeing him hungrily. He licked his lips and then lapped at the head, getting him to full hardness. He batted his lashes as he looked up to Connor and maintained eye contact as he moved his head the rest of the way down his length until he hit the back of his throat and continued down. Evan’s nose pressed against Connor’s pubic bone.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Connor whispered, hand moving through Evan’s hair and then down to his neck.

Evan pulled back to breathe, sucking lightly on the tip as he got air back into his lungs. He took Connor’s hands and brought them up to the back of his head, then moved halfway down his shaft before stopping and blinking up at him expectantly.

Connor’s fingers curled into Evan’s short hair and he rocked his hips forward, pushing further into his mouth. He hit the back of his throat again and Evan moaned around him, the sound going straight through Connor’s dick and up his spine.

Connor pulled back and slammed back in, then repeated the movement, over and over, setting up a steady rhythm as he fucked his boyfriend’s throat.

When he pulled all the way out Evan made a small noise of protest, attempting to chase Connor’s cock with his mouth still open and tongue hanging out slightly. Connor chuckled at the sight, but took a step back so he could finish taking his clothes off.

Evan seemed to accept that because he moved back on the bed and took his own pants and underwear off. And then Connor was pushing his knees apart and taking his place between Evan’s legs. 

Connor leaned down to kiss him, and Evan automatically opened his mouth for him, letting him taste himself on Evan’s tongue. Connor ground his hips down, earning a moan.

“Tell me what you want,” Connor requested as he took Evan’s cock in his hand, jerking him slowly.

“You,” Evan answered quickly. “Want you to fuck me, please. Been thinking about it all day.”

Connor laughed, not really surprised by the admission. Evan didn’t usually send that many winking emojis in a row, after all. He leaned over and dug through the bedside table drawer until he found the lube and condoms (which Evan had made him drive three towns over to purchase). 

He squeezed the lube out onto his fingers, warming it before trailing down and pressing against Evan’s entrance. Evan moaned and opened his legs wider, giving him better access.

Connor took his time opening him, enjoying the way Evan came completely undone underneath him until he was writhing around, fucking himself down on three of Connor’s fingers, and begging him for more.

“Please, Connor, Con, please—” he cut himself off with a moan as Connor pressed against his prostate. He had tears in his eyes, which wasn’t really surprising since Evan pretty much _always_ cried during sex. And Connor certainly didn’t help the situation by always keeping him on edge.

“What do you want, Ev?” he asked, and he was being an asshole. Because they both knew he knew exactly what Evan wanted. But _he_ wanted to _hear_ it.

Evan was too far gone to protest. “Fuck me, please, Connor. I want you inside me, please, please—” He whined as Connor pulled his fingers out.

“It’s okay,” Connor soothed him, leaning down to lick into his mouth. “I got you.”

Evan made a noise in the back of his throat and thrust his hips upwards, seeking him out. Connor chuckled and found the condoms, deftly rolling one onto his aching member and covering himself in lube. Evan’s hand joined his, jacking him before guiding him towards his entrance.

When Connor slid in Evan threw his head back and _jesus christ he was so fucking loud._ They could literally never get away with having sex with anybody else in the house because Evan was truly incapable of not making noise. It was funny, really, considering the number one most used word for describing Evan Hansen was ‘quiet.’ Clearly that did not apply in bed.

Connor sucked on Evan’s neck as he waited for him to adjust, and Evan purred in response, moving his hips around. “Move,” he requested, “please— please move.”

Connor pulled back and thrust back in, angling himself towards Evan’s prostate (which he was pretty fucking good at finding these days, if he does say so himself). It only took a few thrusts before Evan was _screaming_ and Connor smirked in triumph. “Found it,” he muttered, pulling back and ramming into that spot again.

Evan dissolved into noises that only vaguely resembled speech, and Connor started rambling in every language he knew, telling him how beautiful and perfect he was. He must have said “I love you” a thousand times in eight different languages.

He reached down to wrap a hand around Evan’s cock and Evan promptly lost any control he was clinging onto. Connor wasn’t even touching him for long before he was coming, moaning Connor’s name and spilling between them.

“Fuck,” Connor let out, and it might have been the first thing he said in English in a while. He continued thrusting into Evan with reckless abandon, chasing his own orgasm until it hit him all at once.

When he stopped seeing stars he realized he had basically collapsed on top of his boyfriend. Evan was trailing his fingers along his back and Connor had to turn his head to kiss him softly.

He pulled out and Evan made the same displeased noise he always did whenever Connor did that. Connor laughed and whispered “I know” (even though he really didn’t). He sat up, ignoring Evan’s whining because he had to clean up. He went quickly into the bathroom, to remove and dispose of the condom and grab a warm washcloth. 

Evan had basically turned into putty on the bed, which at least made Connor’s job easier as he wiped away all the come and lube. Evan whimpered as Connor brushed around his fucked out hole, but Connor kissed the noises away and tossed the cloth towards the open bathroom door. 

As soon as that was done, Evan pulled him back into the bed, curling into his side as he buried his face in his neck, which Connor was starting to realize Evan did at pretty much any given opportunity.

“We have to get up,” Connor whispered after a while, squeezing Evan’s hip.

Evan attempted to simultaneously squirm away from and bury himself further into Connor, which resulted in a weird aborted wiggle. “No,” he said.

“Yes.” Connor trailed his fingers down Evan’s back and squeezed his ass lightly. “It’s only five o’clock. We still have to order dinner and do homework.”

Evan’s face scrunched up in distaste. “Neither one of those things sounds absolutely necessary.”

Instead of dignifying that with a response, Connor leaned over the side up the bed and dug around in the pile of discarded clothes until he found his jeans. He pulled his phone out and found the number for their local pizza place (which didn’t have a website, but had infinitely better pizza than the chain stores).

The owner answered on the third ring. _“Ehi, Connor! Il solito?”_

_“Si. Hai ancora l'indirizzo?”_

“Evan’s?”

_“Sì.”_

_“Fammi controllare…_ Maple street?”

_“È lui. Grazie,_ Andy.”

Andy proceeded to offer Connor a job for the twelfth time in the last month, and Connor was glad it was in Italian and Evan couldn’t understand it if he was listening. As much as things have improved, he just wasn’t ready yet to be potentially-harassed anywhere other than school. One of the perks of the library job over the summer was that most high school students wouldn’t be caught dead at a library in July (except for maybe Alana), and even if they were, Connor usually stuck to the children’s section. Andy’s restaurant was small and popular: meaning there were a lot of people and nowhere to hide from them. Connor wasn’t quite there yet.

He ended the call feeling slightly relieved and glanced down to find Evan chewing on his lip. Connor quirked a brow at the look.

“It’s really sexy when you speak Italian,” he said.

Connor laughed and rolled his eyes. “You say that about every language I speak.”

“No, German’s not very sexy,” Evan shot back immediately, earning a pinch to his side that he just giggled at. So Connor rolled them over instead, pinning Evan underneath him and bringing their lips together. Evan hummed into the kiss. “You know what’s really hot?” he continued when Connor pulled back. 

Connor sighed. Evan always got like this after sex. (If he wasn’t completely drained, that is.) “What else is really hot?” he indulged him.

“When you start speaking other languages while I’m blowing you. Or when you’re fucking me.”

Connor choked on a laugh and fell onto his side, unable to support his weight while his brain short circuited. Evan’s mouth during sex was one thing _(one really great thing),_ but there was something about him being explicit any other time that was just hot in an entirely different way. “Yeah?” he managed, as Evan turned to face him and nod. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Do you know you’re doing it?”

Connor shrugged. “Sometimes I’ll notice, but it’s never a conscious decision or anything. The thought just translates better in French or whatever.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” Connor looked up as he tried to remember anything he said during sex, but it really didn’t matter whether it was English or any other language; for the most part it all just slipped out without a lot of thought or intent. “Oh, um, I’ll call you _astre_ a lot.”

Evan’s brows pulled together. “Yeah, that sounds familiar. I didn’t realize you were _calling me_ anything though. What’s it mean?”

“It doesn’t have a good English translation, is the thing,” Connor struggled to think of a comparison. “Sort of like ‘angel,’ I guess, since I’m using it as a name. But it’s also another word for star. It doesn’t actually mean _a star_ though so translators will sometimes say ‘celestial body’ but that sounds stupid. It’s like… used to describe something bright and otherworldly.”

Evan went all soft at that and lunged forward to kiss him. Connor caught up just enough for his hand to land on his hip. Evan pulled back too soon. “And here I was thinking you were just saying obscenities.”

Connor tilted his head. “Well, that too.”

Evan laughed and kissed him again. “I love you.”

Connor sort of hoped he never stopped feeling like he was going to burst open every time Evan said those words. “I love you too,” he whispered, reaching up to run his thumb along Evan’s cheekbone.

They eventually managed to get up and go back downstairs to start working on their homework while they waited for the pizza to arrive.

When it did, Connor grabbed the twenty from the kitchen because it wasn’t worth fighting about. Their discussion about money went and ended pretty well, all things considered, and he understood why Evan might feel like it wasn’t equal, but hopefully Evan was starting to understand that Connor didn’t think of it like that because there were a lot of other contributing factors to take into consideration.

(He still paid the tip. But that was because he had a habit of tipping like 50%, or sometimes over 100% on small bills, and he would feel terrible if he didn’t, but he still had to make sure there was change leftover for Heidi to see when she got home.)

The delivery guy was Andy’s cousin, Mateo, so Connor made small talk in Italian with him while he counted out the change. He once again pointed out that Andy was itching to hire him, but Connor just rolled his eyes as he handed him a ten dollar bill and pointed out that he wouldn’t get his tips anymore if Connor worked there.

_“Buon punto,”_ he laughed, taking the money. _“I miei fratelli e io litighiamo sempre su chi può offrirti.”_

Connor rolled his eyes. _“Mio padre dare la mancia lo stesso.”_

_“Ma tuo padre non ordina la pizza così spesso!”_

_“Buon punto,”_ Connor conceded. _“Arrivederci,_ dude.”

_“Arrivederci._ Tell your boyfriend I said hi.” Mateo grinned mischievously and jogged off.

Evan was looking at him when he turned back towards the living room. He was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, which meant he heard the interaction, but Mateo wouldn’t have been able to see him. (It was Evan’s preferred place to be when they had food delivered.) “Were you talking about me?” he asked.

“No,” Connor answered, shutting the door and going to join Evan on the floor. “Talking about my dad, actually. We tip the same way.”

Evan hummed. “You are very similar.”

Connor was immediately offended. “What?”

Evan smirked, apparently expecting that reaction. “Hold on I have a picture…” He took out his phone and flipped through his photo album (mostly pictures of trees and Connor, which Evan liked to cite as his two main interests). He landed on a picture he took back in September when they’d gone to New York to see a Yankees game. 

Evan had sneakily captured Connor and Larry watching the game with the exact same posture and facial expressions.

“Oh my god,” Connor snatched the phone out of his hands while Evan laughed. “Can I send this to my parents?” He asked that on impulse, but his brain almost immediately had to reevaluate itself. Definitely not a question he would have asked a few months ago. This wasn’t even a picture that could have been taken a few months ago.

Evan shrugged. “Sure.”

Connor sent the photo to himself and then picked up his own phone. He started a group chat with his parents, Zoe, and Evan and attached the photo.

**Connor:** _evan just showed me this._

**Zoe:** _OH MY GOD!!!!_ 😂😂😂

**Mom:** _My boys_ ❤️

**Dad:** _The apple didn’t fall far from the tree, I guess._

**Connor:** _i want it on record that i’m horrified._

**Evan:** _I want it on record that he actually looks really pleased right now._

**Zoe:** _EVAN UR MY HERO_

Connor looked up to glare at his boyfriend, who looked completely unrepentant as he took a bite of his pizza. “Maybe _you_ can take over the firm,” he said cheekily.

Connor snorted at that. “Tell that to my APES homework.” He picked you the half-finished worksheet mournfully. It was just so _boring._

Evan rolled his eyes. “It’s just population dynamics.”

“Do you want to do it for me?”

“No, I want you to pass. But I can help you.”

Connor groaned. “It’s not that I don’t understand it. It’s that I don’t _care.”_

Evan pulled a truly horrified expression at that. “That has to be the worst thing you have ever said to me.”

“The _worst_ thing?” Connor repeated skeptically. “Really?”

“Yes. Be glad we already had sex because I’ve never been more turned off in my entire life.”

Connor let out a surprised laugh and reached over to grab Evan by the waist and pull him into his lap. “But I love you!” he proclaimed loudly, holding him tight and planting a kiss to his neck.

“Oh my god,” Evan complained, even as he laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”

Connor pouted and pressed his face between Evan’s shoulder blades. “Tell me you love me.”

Evan sighed. “I love you.”

“Even though I don’t care about population dynamics?”

“Ugh.” Evan squirmed out of his hold. “Stop saying that.”

Connor let go just enough for Evan to land on the floor beside him. “Oh my god, you’re serious.”

“I mean,” Evan huffed, “a little.”

Connor shook his head. “You’re so fucking cute,” he muttered, and leaned forward to kiss him. Evan kissed him back but his arms remained stubbornly crossed. Connor sighed and pulled back. “I might not have the capacity to care a whole lot about population dynamics—” he ignored Evan’s noise of distress here “—but I care a whole lot about you. And if you care about it, then I will find a way to too.”

“It’s more like it’s just one important aspect of research when it comes to studying…”

Connor nodded along, pretending to understand even half of what Evan was talking about as he grabbed more pizza. He let his boyfriend continue to ramble, and he finished a whole slice (including the crust) before leaning over and kissing him to shut him up.

“I will do my homework with a newfound appreciation for the role population dynamics plays in the field of environmental science,” he said diplomatically, barely keeping from rolling his eyes as Evan grinned proudly up at him.

“Good.”

Connor did roll his eyes then. He turned back to his homework and pointed at the pizza slice that Evan had abandoned. “Eat.”

Evan took another single bite and then put it back down as he went back to his own homework. Connor didn’t think much of it until all their work was done and he’d been through four slices himself while Evan had still only had two bites.

A pit settled in his stomach as he tried to remember if Evan had eaten his lunch. Presumably he had— he was better at eating if someone else had bought or made it for him, but that wasn’t always enough of a motivating factor. His bad days were the worst for it, but other times he just had a thing about control.

Evan preferred for things to be out of his hands. In his perfect world, everything would just go smoothly without a whole lot of active participation on his part. Once something was his responsibility, it quickly became all-consuming and anxiety inducing because he needed it to be _perfect._ Because if it didn’t go perfectly, that would be the only thing he thought about every time he tried to sleep for the next century. He had to present in their statistics class junior year and he had accidentally said ‘erotic’ instead of ‘erratic’ and that fact was still liable to give him a panic attack now a year later.

So when Evan had something looming over his head (a presentation, a test, a phone call), that anxiety would present itself as a food aversion. Connor refused to think of it as anorexia because it had nothing to do with body image or weight. It was just like his body wanted to eat and some part of his brain wanted to exercise control over that by not eating. His anxiety said eating will cause bad things to happen, and he believed it. There were plenty of reasons Evan wouldn’t eat, but they all linked back to the anxiety.

And though Connor would never admit it to Evan, he was still pretty scarred from that time that Evan had passed out in sixth grade and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Connor had watched him fall and watched the paramedics work on him and put him on a stretcher. 

Evan had just been a boy he had a crush on at the time, but he’d had nightmares about the whole ordeal for months afterward. And now that he actually knew Evan, his dreams featured his now 17 year old boyfriend passing out and getting wheeled away in a stretcher. Or a more real fear: that one day he’ll walk into Evan’s house and find him unresponsive.

Connor pursed his lips, eyeing the pizza and Evan’s profile. It’s not like it was the first time he had to remind Evan to eat, but it still sucked. “Hey, Ev,” he started, forcing himself to sound casual. “Please eat.”

Evan glanced up, brow pulling together as his eyes caught on the unfinished slice. “Oh,” he let out, and Connor could see him evaluating himself, trying to remember the last time he ate and figure out if he was hungry— or if he should be hungry. “Right,” he said, reaching out and picking up the food. He eyed it with obvious distaste.

“I can make you something else?” Connor offered, but Evan quickly shook his head.

“No. I’m fine.” He shoved the pizza in his mouth to illustrate his point.

“Okay.” Connor watched him eat and wordlessly handed him another slice when he finished.

Evan frowned. “I’m not…”

“Just eat it,” Connor pleaded.

Evan sighed and ate the pizza. He didn’t look at all happy about it, but Connor would take it as a small win, at least. Because there were days when he wouldn’t even unhappily eat.

“What’s going on up there?” Connor asked, tapping Evan’s temple when the slice was gone.

Evan shrugged. “I dunno. A lot of things?” He looked down to his hands and Connor waited for him to go on rather than pushing. “I guess mostly about my mom. I haven’t been eating a lot recently. I skipped dinner last night and breakfast this morning.”

Connor did his best to pretend that didn’t make him want to drag Evan into the kitchen and force feed him everything in there. “Okay… What about your mom? About coming out?” Evan nodded silently. “What are you thinking about that?”

“I don’t know. What I already told you. I actually did want to come out yesterday. I sat with her for like an hour trying to force myself to say it but I just _couldn’t.”_

Connor recalled all those times over the years that he and Evan had been alone in the library and he’d wanted to say something but he’d been too afraid of it going poorly or just being too awkward. Evan probably had it ten times worse.

“It’s like…” Evan went on, sounding frustrated with himself. “I just keep going through every way it could go wrong and spiraling.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Do you remember when I came up to you in the computer lab?”

Evan’s brow furrowed as he looked up to him. “Of course.”

“Yeah, so…” Connor rubbed at the back of his neck. “I had that, like, scripted out in my head. I spent the whole day figuring out how to talk to you and the best icebreaker I could think of was ‘So how’d you break your arm?’ and I repeated that to myself like a hundred times before I finally managed to say it.”

Evan bit down on his lip, failing to hide a small smile. “I remember that? Not— not you talking to yourself, obviously. But I remember thinking you sounded kind of rehearsed? I thought you were pranking me or something. I was waiting for the punchline.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m not planning to be an actor.” Connor rolled his eyes. “My point is that I couldn’t exactly plan what _you_ were going to say— and you definitely tripped me up when you informed me that you _fell out a tree_ — but like, I had a script I could go back to when I inevitably fucked it up.”

“Didn’t we end up just silently staring at each other for like a minute?”

_“A minute_ might be a bit of an exaggeration. But yeah. I was trying to figure what the fuck else to say. My head was just screaming ‘Make him smile!!!’ but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of the things I knew made you smile.” He had an actual physical list somewhere in his room, scribbled onto the back of some sketch in eighth grade. Because Evan had come back from his year-long then-mysterious disappearance looking even sadder than before and the smiles were even more rare and Connor wanted to make sure he saw every one. _You’re kinda creepy, actually._

“You’re so cute,” Evan unwittingly argued with the voice in Connor’s head.

Connor sucked in a breath and reminded himself that he wasn’t dreaming. _“Anyway,”_ he said pointedly, “you can try focusing on what _you_ want to say instead of worrying about what she might say.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah.”

“You said you talked about it in therapy, didn’t you?” About a month ago, Evan had told him Dr. Sherman happened to mention that she was married to a woman and he had realized she wasn’t going to out him to his mother. Connor had a feeling that that was what finally got Evan to actually start speaking during his therapy sessions. He just trusted lesbians more for some reason. It probably had something to do with Elsie Taylor and her being the first person Evan came out to.

“Yeah but she doesn’t want to tell me what to say because it’s ‘my story’ or whatever.” Evan rolled his eyes. “I don’t want a story. I want it to be done with. I… Ugh.” He pulled his phone out and handed it to Connor with the notes app pulled up. “I’ve tried to write it out like a hundred times and it always just sounds so stupid and cringey.”

Connor could see the beginning of coming outs as he scrolled through but he didn’t click on any of them. “Do you want to know what I said?”

Evan nodded quickly.

“It was over dinner and my mom asked me how therapy went and I said ‘Dr. Reeves wants me to tell you that I’m gay’ and then there was about thirty solid seconds where they all just stared at me.”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “That doesn’t make me feel better,” he said dryly.

“There’s no such thing as a perfect coming out, Ev.”

“I just can’t stop thinking about it in terms of like… I mean, it’s literally telling my mom my _sexual_ preferences. And like! At least you were a virgin when you came out! Even if she doesn’t ask she’s gonna _know,_ y’know? And what if she gets mad about it? I mean, she doesn’t always know when you’re here or I’m there but she knows that it _happens_ and she’s not an _idiot._ I mean! What do I do if she _asks?_ I can’t— I can’t look at my mother and tell her I’m having sex, Connor. Or even if— I mean, she’s gonna know. She’s gonna know and there’s no way around that and then I’ll never be able to look at or speak to her ever again because I’ll know that she’s like— she’ll _think about it._ She’ll— she’ll— she’ll—”

“Okay!” Connor interrupted him loudly as Evan was clearly struggling to breathe. He put a hand on his arm and Evan reached up to hold it. “Okay…” He waited until his breathing evened out again. “You do… you do realize that _my_ parents know we’re having sex, right?” Evan winced but nodded. “And you talk to them all the time.”

“That’s different!”

“How is that different?”

Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times but apparently couldn’t land on any good arguments. He shrugged helplessly.

“And your mom is not Jared Kleinman, okay? She’s not gonna ask if you’re a bottom.”

Evan choked on his spit, making a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a whimper.

“She might think it,” Connor allowed, ignoring Evan’s glare. “But you can’t control what people think.”

That was one of the things that bothered Evan the most, Connor knew. He hated not knowing what people were thinking— especially about him. And he hated that people could just have thoughts about him without him even being in the room. Evan had explained once that that was why he hated going out so much— because there were people there who could perceive his existence.

“Yeah,” he sighed, seeming to lament the fact.

Connor squeezed his hand. “It’ll all work out, Ev. Things have a way of doing that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is MUCH longer than the rest of them will be. A lot happened, I'm so sorry.
> 
> As always, your comments mean the world to me ❤︎


	2. November

The psychiatric hospital Connor had been sent to freshman year was one of those cushy private ones for rich kids. Connor would like to complain about that fact, but he’s heard Evan’s stories about his time as an inpatient at one of the state-run facilities, and it had made Connor glad that his own parents were so extra.

He’d got to keep his cellphone, for one thing, which apparently was not the case at the public hospitals. The nurses had checked it randomly all the time, but that was definitely preferable to not having it at all.

That’s when he’d followed Evan on instagram.

He’d looked for his social media back in seventh grade when Evan had mysteriously disappeared— trying to find out if he'd moved (or died)— but Evan hadn’t gotten a phone until he was in high school. Seventh grade had been a tough time for the aesthetic of Connor’s sketchbooks, as he started trying to figure out photorealism but he had neither Evan nor Evan’s instagram.

In hindsight, it’s really a wonder that his infatuation didn’t turn into an obsession, and for that fact alone Connor thanked his depression. He could pin all his faith in the beauty of life on Evan’s smile, and he could harbor his stupid hopeless crush on the boy, but it never got to creepy obsession levels. Most likely because he was too depressed to care that much about anything, much less a person he didn’t know. Not that he didn’t care at all (he’d spent a whole year wondering what the hell had happened to him), but Connor’s overall pessimism had kept Evan off of a pedestal, at least.

After Connor tried to kill himself, one of the worst parts about inpatient care was losing the few things that had ever given him any hope, and he realized how much he’d come to rely on Evan Hansen’s stupid face to get him through the day. Even if Evan didn’t smile, his presence had been like a weird sort of hope. Even if Connor would never gather up the courage to fucking _talk_ to him, it was like there was always this thought that he _could._ And then maybe everything would get better.

He’d let go of that hope when he’d slit his wrists, and his subsequent time in the hospital had had him desperately scrambling for anything to hold onto. His mom visited like everyday, and sometimes Larry and Zoe would come too. And that helped. Even though Connor still couldn’t really talk to them, at least he could see that they cared that he almost died.

Then the therapist taught him this stupid fucking thought exercise: Whenever you think about giving up, think instead about something that you want to see again. Even if you still kind of want to die, hold onto that thing. Tell yourself you’ll wait until you see it again, at least. Try to tell yourself that being able to see it is a reason to keep going.

Connor had thought of Evan’s stupid fucking smile.

So yeah, he went on instagram and found Evan’s profile. There hadn’t been many posts at the time. Most of what was there were just pictures of trees (which was so cute Connor had to roll his eyes to keep from bursting open). And there was only one picture of Evan, and he definitely wasn’t smiling in it. He didn’t look sad or anything, but it was just some candid picture someone else had taken (probably his mom) while he was planting something. So he looked at peace, at least. Which was nice.

Connor hit follow without really thinking about it. He figured it was unlikely Evan would notice, anyway, and if he did and he didn’t like it he could just block him and Connor would have his answer and then at least the hopeless crush would go away.

But Evan didn’t block him. He just kept posting pictures of trees. (Like _a lot_ of pictures of trees.)

Subsequently, Connor drew a lot of trees (since he couldn’t exactly draw Evan while there were people constantly looking over his shoulder). The carers at the hospital loved it. His tree pictures were probably what got him out of there in just a few months. They thought it was a sign he was healing or some shit.

He’d been simultaneously relieved and pissed when his parents kept Mrs. Cartwright as his tutor instead of sending him back to finish the school year. Like, rationally he knew it was better because fuck school he never wanted to step foot in that place again (that was kind of the point in offing himself). But the stupid part of his brain just wanted to see Evan again.

He saw Evan smile again at the beginning of sophomore year. It was gone as soon as it was there. But Connor found himself thinking that was a pretty good reason to keep going. For a bit longer anyway.

And now… Connor was staring at his phone again to see Evan’s smile. But he didn’t have to stalk his instagram because he had hundreds of pictures in his camera roll of his boyfriend. Evan, his boyfriend, who smiled regularly _at_ Connor— _because of_ Connor.

And if Connor thought about that too much he’d physically combust, so he clicked his phone off and told himself he was being ridiculous because he could get through _one night_ of not seeing his boyfriend without turning into a mooney lovesick teenage girl.

It was just that it hasn’t been _one night,_ it’s been _seven._ Because Heidi’s been acting really weird lately about how much time Evan spends at the Murphys’ and she said he was imposing on them. Which was just so stupid and offensive and _incorrect._ And when Connor told his parents this they both looked like they were ready to _fight._ And Zoe and him had to physically block their mother from picking up the phone and calling Heidi.

Because what was she gonna say? That she was already planning Evan and Connor’s wedding? That wasn’t gonna work out since Heidi _still doesn’t know her son is gay._

Connor turned over in bed and attempted to stop those thoughts before they could spiral again. It was already well past midnight and this was getting ridiculous. He just wanted to see his boyfriend.

Which was why it was so disheartening when he woke up to a text from Evan informing him that he couldn’t go to school today.

**Connor:** _do you wanna go somewhere else?_

**Evan:** _I don’t want to leave my bed._

**Connor:** _bad day?_

**Evan:** _Yeah but I’m fine. Just can’t be around people right now._

**Evan:** _Except you._

**Evan:** _Can you skip?_

**Connor:** _i have a presentation with lana in french but i can leave after that_

**Evan:** _:(_

**Evan:** _Okay. Love you._

**Connor:** _love you too. go back to sleep and i’ll be there faster._

Connor sighed and ran his hand down his face. If it were any other day this week he’d be at Evan’s in a heartbeat— probably texting Jared to take Zoe to school because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for her. But he and Alana have been working for weeks on this project and he knew she would be even more on edge if their presentation got put off any longer. She was already texting him voice messages in French and it was only 6AM.

He paused as he got to the bottom of the stairs when he heard Evan’s name. Larry was speaking. 

“I’m just saying. At least when Evan’s here, Connor doesn’t look like death warmed over.”

Connor rolled his eyes and went into the dining room. “Death warmed over? Really?”

Larry raised a brow. “Do you disagree?”

“Not at all.” Connor plopped down in his chair and grabbed the cereal.

“How’d you sleep, sweetie?” his mom asked. Connor knew she was still afraid he was going to have another panic attack, but he’s pretty sure that had been a one time thing.

He shrugged noncommittally. “Fine, I guess.” He looked to his sister. “We’re not picking Evan up today.”

Zoe frowned. “Is Heidi being a bitch about that now too?”

“Zoe!” their parents chastised her. Cynthia put her hands on her hips. “She has every right to be concerned as Evan’s mother. Especially since she doesn’t know—”

Connor banged his head against the table and groaned loudly. “We _really_ don’t need to go back to that,” he said pointedly. “You were the one who wanted to yell at Heidi for not letting Evan come over.”

“Well that’s when she was saying we see him as a charity case,” Cynthia defended.

“Now you know how I feel,” he replied dryly. “But no. He’s just having a bad day.” 

His whole family frowned at that. “Are you sure you should be going to school?” Larry asked in equal parts worry for both Connor and Evan.

Connor sighed. “I’ll be fine. I have that French presentation with Alana. But Evan asked if I’d come over so I’ll probably leave after that.” He could check himself out now since he was 18, so leaving in the middle of the day was easier (not that that ever stopped him before).

His mom nodded in approval and looked to Zoe. “Do you need me to pick you up?”

Zoe shook her head. “Nah, Elsie can give me a ride after band practice.”

“Get your permit, Zoe,” Connor said boredly. It was to the point that he was saying it everyday.

“But then what will you have to complain about?”

“I’m sure I could find something.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the gesture. Cynthia and Larry rolled their eyes, probably just glad they weren’t flipping each other off.

When they got to school, Jared was waiting for them in the parking lot, sitting on the trunk of his car with iced coffee— one in his hand and one sitting beside him which he handed to Zoe.

“You’re the best,” she said, jamming the straw in.

“I know,” he replied smugly, and Connor shook his head. Jared looked around. “Where’s Evan?”

“Bad day,” Connor answered, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Jared frowned. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re not so codependent that I can’t go to school without him,” Connor snapped. But Jared just raised his brows and he sighed. “Yeah, I’m leaving after French. Lana and I have that presentation.”

“Oh yeah. She’d kill you if you skipped. Hey, but good news! We get to be math partners!”

Connor gave him a bored look. “The wonders never cease.”

Jared cackled and hit his arm as he jumped off of his car. They walked into the school to find Alana already standing by Evan’s locker, reading note cards and muttering to herself in French.

“You do _realize_ you’re a walking stereotype, right?” Jared asked, and Alana did not look up from her notes or give any expression at all as she flipped him off.

_“Se détendre,_ Lana,” Connor sighed.

She finally did look up then, opening her mouth probably to tell him to fuck off (in a polite way), but stopped and when she realized someone was missing. “Where’s Evan?”

“Bad day,” Connor answered again.

She definitely didn’t want to tell him to fuck off anymore. “Thanks for coming anyway.”

He gave a sort of half-hearted smile with his lips pressed together, and was thankful when the bell rang.

Jared sat down in Evan’s usual seat and Mrs. Cartwright clocked it as soon as she turned around. She tilted her head, sending Connor a questioning look. He gave her the same smile that he’d given Alana, hoping it portrayed “he’s not here but everything is fine.” He was pretty sure he succeeded when she nodded and went back to whatever she was doing.

Math was fine because at least he had Jared, who seemed to be making somewhat of an effort to be a little less annoying than normal. He was still annoying, but it probably would have been weird if he wasn’t. He just made _a lot less_ jokes about Evan. In fact he seemed to be avoiding Evan as a subject all together. Which was good because Connor was definitely on edge about the fact that his historically suicidal boyfriend was currently alone on a bad day.

He checked his phone more than a few times but Mrs. Cartwright never said anything even though she almost certainly saw it (she had eyes like a hawk). Evan wasn’t texting him, but Connor hoped that meant he was asleep and not panicking or… anything else.

History was less-good because Coach Freeman didn’t give a shit about Connor or Evan so there was an overall less-understanding vibe. He shoved himself into the desk in the back corner and tried to ignore all the looks he was getting, keeping his head down and his arms crossed.

“Both of them always look like shit when the other isn’t here,” some girl whispered loud enough for Connor to hear. “I can’t decide if it’s cute or sad.”

_Sad. Definitely sad._ Evan’s only had to go to school twice without Connor since the first day of school. Once it was a bad day but they had a test in lit and Evan couldn’t miss it without an excused absence. The other time was just the morning because Connor had a doctor’s appointment. He hated to think that Evan had felt anything like he did right now— especially on that first time.

Some guy threw a wad of paper at him in the middle of class but Connor didn’t bother reading it before chucking it in the recycling bin. Whoever it was muttered something that sounded like “pathetic fag” so Connor put his earbuds in and refused to listen to the rest of lecture. It wasn’t worth it. He should have skipped this class.

French was definitely better because Alana volunteered them to go first to get it over with. The presentation went (not at all surprisingly) well and at the end Connor grabbed his bag and turned to Madame Blanchard.

“ _Je dois y aller. Mon petit ami est malade._ ”

Madame Blanchard frowned. “ _Oh non. J'espère qu'il se sentira mieux bientôt._ ”

“ _Merci, madame._ ”

“ _Vas prendre soin de lui._ ”

“ _Je vais. Au revoir, merci._ ”

“ _Au revoir, cher._ ”

The students who still weren’t great at understanding French (especially when spoken at a normal speed) looked confused, but Connor ignored them all in favor of walking out the door. He stopped by the office to sign himself out, scribbling ‘mon petit ami est malade’ for his reason because he knew they wouldn’t bother to translate it. 

He texted Evan that he was on his way but still didn’t get any reply.

The front door was unlocked when Connor got there so he let himself in. “Evan?” he called, but he didn’t get a response. He ran upstairs.

The relief he felt at seeing Evan was quickly replaced with worry, as he was curled in on himself, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. He didn’t look up when Connor entered.

“Evan?” he said again, quieter this time, and Evan responded by letting out a small noise that broke Connor’s heart. 

Connor covered the distance between them in two strides. He sat down beside him on the bed and Evan fell into his side, choking on a sob that he clearly meant to hold in. He buried his face in Connor’s chest.

“Hey,” Connor whispered, wrapping his arms around him. “Hey, you’re okay. It’s okay.”

Evan was nonverbal at the moment, but he grabbed at Connor’s waist and bunched his shirt into his fist, holding on and not letting go.

Connor closed his eyes and kissed Evan’s head, he kept his face there as he continued telling him that everything was gonna be okay and that he was gonna get through this and that he loved him. 

One time, when Connor was six years old and Zoe was four, she jumped into the deep end of their pool, but had forgotten to put on floaters. Connor had just acted on instinct and pulled her out. She’d held onto him shaking and crying as he swam with one arm to the ladder. Afterwards everyone told him how brave he was, but he remembered thinking he’d been just as terrified as Zoe, if not more so. Because in that moment her life had been in his hands, and he had no clue what he was doing— he wasn’t even a very good swimmer yet.

He felt like that now. Terrified, holding Evan shaking and crying in his arms as he tried to get him out of there with one arm and no idea what he was doing. Evan was drowning and Connor had only very recently learned how to swim.

Eventually Evan calmed down enough to speak. “God, I— I hate myself,” he said, still through tears, but he sounded mad. Like, truly fucking angry with himself.

Connor caught the hand that wasn’t fisted into his shirt clawing at his leg and he snatched it up before Evan could hurt himself.

Evan sobbed again and that’s when Connor realized that he was wearing boxers. Which was weird because Evan usually always kept his pants on to hide his scars.

The side of his leg was dark purple.

Connor’s stomach turned. “Ev…”

Evan shook his head and hid his face. “Please don’t hate me. Please. I can’t— I’m sorry— please— please don’t— I’m sorry I—”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Connor rushed out, holding him closer and rocking them slightly. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you. I love you so much, Evan. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. It’s not okay. It’s not—” Evan choked and cried. “I hate— I hate this— I hate it. I hate it.”

Connor had no idea what he was talking about. He didn’t know what to say or do but hold him and not let go and silently beg the universe to not take him away.

“I hate being alone,” Evan continued, and the anger was gone. He just sounded broken and tired now. “I hate being alone. I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t wanna— I cant— I _can’t.”_

“Okay,” Connor whispered. He felt like he had just been ripped open and torn apart. “Okay. You’re never gonna be alone again,” he promised with his whole chest. “I’m never gonna leave you alone ever again.”

Evan sobbed and held on tighter.

Connor had tears in his eyes now too, and he couldn’t stop looking at Evan’s leg. He tried his level fucking best not to blame himself for this but the thought wouldn’t go away. Why did he think a fucking french presentation was more important? Why didn’t he put Evan first? 

_I didn’t know it was this bad. He didn’t tell me it was this bad._ **_But you should have realized. You should have known._ ** _How?_ **_He didn’t answer._ ** _I thought he was asleep. He usually sleeps on bad days. There have been bad days before and this didn’t happen._ **_You should have known this was coming. You’ve seen him hurt himself before._ ** _Not like this._

He was at war with himself and the only thing he could do was focus all his attention on Evan. Because if he kept on like that then he’d be useless. And Evan needs him right now. That’s what’s important.

Connor needed to see his legs. He needed to know what happened. “Hey, c’mere,” he said, shifting Evan so he was less in his lap and sitting up more. Connor assessed the damage as it was revealed to him, but it looked like Evan had just repeatedly punched the one place, which is why it was so concentrated. Claw marks reddened the other leg, but Evan’s nails were too blunt to do any lasting damage. There was no blood and the old scars weren’t opened, and for that much at least, Connor was thankful.

“I’m sorry,” Evan whimpered.

“Hey, no, it’s okay.” Connor wiped the tears from his boyfriend's face. “I get it.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“I know.”

“You’re not mad at me?” His eyes were so wide and his voice was so small. Connor’s heart was in a million pieces.

“No, Ev, of course not. I love you. I’m just sad.”

Evan’s lip went out. “I don’t want to make you sad.”

_“You_ make me very very happy,” Connor took his hand and laced their fingers together. “But when you’re sad, I’m sad.”

Evan looked down to their hands. “This morning was bad,” he admitted quietly. “This whole week has been… just awful. It was fine at school but then you’d drop me off and I was just alone for hours and it started feeling like… Like I just kept remembering that time when I was twelve. It’s like. It’s like she’s just forgotten about it? Or maybe she hasn’t. Maybe she hopes if she makes me stay here by myself that I’ll try again and succeed this time—”

“Evan,” he cut him off sharply.

Evan took a deep breath. “No, no, I know. I just… I’m so tired of feeling like this.”

“I thought your meds were working?”

“They are,” Evan insisted. “But I just. I’m still— I’m just _traumatized.”_ He spit the word out like it had personally offended him.

Connor thought about all of Evan’s attempts. He’s tried four different ways, but he wasn’t afraid of getting hit by a car or drowning or falling from trees. He was specifically traumatized by the time that the choice had been active. All the other times had been more or less versions of _letting go._ But swallowing a whole bottle of pills was like pulling a trigger.

“It was the only time I didn’t plan,” Evan whispered. “Even when I was nine, I’d been thinking about it for weeks. But with the pills… I was just alone and scared and tired —just like I always was— and I just…”

Connor nodded slowly and pulled Evan back into him.

“So it scares me,” Evan continued. “That it will happen again. And I won’t remember all the reasons to live until it’s already too late.”

Connor was definitely going to have nightmares about that sentence for the rest of his life. Yeah, Heidi could fuck off. There was absolutely no way in hell he’d be leaving Evan on his own again any time soon. For both of their sakes.

“I can’t lose you,” he whispered.

“I don’t want you too,” Evan said, and Connor understood that that was all that he felt he could promise right now.

Connor did the only thing he knew how to, which was take care of him. “When’s the last time you ate?” he asked.

Evan hid his face in Connor’s chest, which was almost never a good sign. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “The last time you made me.”

Lunch yesterday. And it was just a sandwich.

“Being hungry is the closest thing I can equate it to,” Evan said suddenly, and Connor’s brow furrowed. “It’s like… my body or my brain is telling me I _have_ to do something. That I will feel better if I do.”

Connor blinked slowly, putting the pieces together. Needing to eat felt like wanting to kill himself. “So not eating is like… exercising control over that feeling?”

“It’s stupid, I know.”

“No, it’s not,” Connor denied immediately. “I mean, it’s not healthy. But… it makes sense, I guess.” He squeezed Evan’s hip. “Can you eat for me?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah,” he said quietly.

“Alright.” Connor kissed the top of his head. “C’mon.”

He led Evan downstairs and into the kitchen, sitting him down at the table while he got started on making pasta with spinach and mushrooms (figuring Evan needed the carbs and vitamins).

Connor knew that he needed to eat too to make Evan feel more comfortable, so he did, despite the fact that his stomach was still turning from everything Evan had said.

Whenever this happened, Evan would either eat a lot or still just barely manage to get a few bites down. He seemed to be in a significantly better headspace now that Connor was here though, and he ate everything that was put in front of him.

“Do you want to go to my house?” Connor asked once the kitchen was cleaned.

Evan shook his head. “No. I don’t want to fight with my mom.”

Connor nodded slowly, pretending that didn’t make him want to call Heidi up himself and yell at her. “Does she know you stayed home?”

“Yeah. She acted worried but she still left.”

“She had to go to work.” Connor was at least willing to defend Heidi that far. Rationally he knew that she was doing her best. It wasn’t her fault that her best wasn’t good enough. Evan just needed a lot more support than she was capable of providing on her own. If she had a kid who wasn’t mentally ill, she’d probably be a pretty good mother… Or it was her fault he was mentally ill because of the whole neglectful parenting and insecure attachment thing. But Connor tried not to dwell on that— he knew his own paranoia came about as a result of the constant bullying he encountered at school. Maybe the same could be said for Evan’s anxiety. At least in part.

“I guess.” Evan clearly wasn’t ready to forgive his mom for the last week of isolation and Connor wasn’t going to push it.

They went back upstairs because Evan was starting to get fidgety and close in on himself again, and his room acted as a safe space. Evan admitted that he didn’t sleep at all last night, so they got under the covers and decided that today was a bust and they might as well sleep the rest of it away.

Evan laid his head on Connor’s chest and twisted his shirt in his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Connor trailed his fingers up his arm. “For what?”

“For not running away,” Evan answered, voice scratching and vulnerable. “I know… I know I’m not the easiest boyfriend in the world. I’m not even— even remotely easy. But you… you stay. Even though I’m a mess.”

“I don’t think you’re a mess.” Connor held him closer. “And I don’t care about easy, but loving you is the easiest thing in the world. I love you so much, Evan, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Evan curled further into Connor’s side. “I love you too. I don’t ever want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Connor promised. “I’m here.”

Evan fell asleep quickly after that, clearly exhausted, but Connor stayed awake, running through everything that had happened. He felt guilty. He shouldn’t have left Evan alone for this long. Screw Heidi, he should have just ignored her. She didn’t even have the full story.

Not for the first time, Connor thought about that day at Ellison six years ago. He should have said something then. Maybe he could have saved them both a lot of heartache if he had just said something sooner.

He was just glad he said anything at all. They’d both been planning to kill themselves three months ago. Thank god they decided to hold onto each other instead.

Connor focused on the steady rhythm of Evan’s breathing as he pulled out his phone and checked his messages for the first time since getting there. His mom, his dad, Zoe, Jared, and Alana had all texted him requesting an update on Evan’s status.

He texted his mom first.

**Connor:** _ev’s having a worse day than i thought_

**Mom:** _Are you two okay?_

**Connor:** _i made him eat and he’s asleep now. gonna stay unless heidi literally throws me out_

**Mom:** _Good. Do you need anything from me?_

**Connor:** _i’m okay. just scared._

Three months ago, Connor never would have been able to admit that.

**Connor:** _i just don’t know what to do_

**Mom:** _I know, sweetie. Everything will be okay though, I promise. You two are good for each other. All you can do is just be there for him right now._

Connor closed his eyes, attempting to force himself to believe those words. He sent back his thanks and moved on to answer his dad.

**Connor:** _he’s okay now_

**Dad:** _Now?_

**Connor:** _yeah. wasn’t exactly great when i got here._

**Dad:** _Are you sure he’s safe there?_

It wasn’t the first time Larry had asked. He wasn’t in family law, but he had friends who were, and Evan showed a lot of the signs of an abused child. If it were up to Larry, he’d be petitioning the court for legal guardianship right now.

**Connor:** _she’s not abusive_

**Dad:** _Neglect is a form of abuse._

**Connor:** _she’s a good person. she’s just 33 and single with a severely mentally ill child. of course she doesn’t know what she’s doing_

**Connor:** _not to mention the fact that evan is pretty much constantly lying to her about how he is_

**Dad:** _I guess. I wish she’d admit she needs help though. Instead of persecuting you and us for trying to be there for him._

**Connor:** _it’s a weird pride thing at this point_

**Dad:** _Yeah. Are you staying there tonight?_

**Connor:** _unless heidi physically removes me. in which case i will be kidnapping evan._

**Dad:** _Sounds good to me._

Connor moved on to the group chat.

**Connor:** _he’s alive_

**Jared:** _is that the bar????_

**Connor:** _just about._

**Zoe:** _are you okay?_

**Connor:** _i’m fine. just annoyed._

**Alana:** _At Evan?_

**Connor:** _at heidi_

None of them replied after that, aware that Evan was still in the group chat and could read all these messages later. Connor seriously doubted that he would though. (Evan was really bad at reading and replying even on a good day.) Instead their friends took it upon themselves to flood the chat with dumb memes. 

Connor shook his head with a small smile at their antics and clicked his phone off, deciding he could do with some more sleep himself.

When he woke up it was because Evan was moving around in his arms. At some point they’d shifted so that Connor was spooning him, but now Evan was turning around and burying his face in Connor’s neck.

“You awake?” Connor asked, his voice low and rough from sleep.

Evan nodded and wriggled closer. Connor obliged the silent request by tightening his hold on him.

He could see from the skylight that the sun was starting to set, and he’d be damned if he was about to let Evan get away without eating again. “C’mon,” he whispered, tapping Evan’s hip. “I’ll make dinner.”

Evan whined and attempted to actually become a part of Connor. “No,” he said petulantly, gripping Connor’s shirt to keep him from moving.

Connor rolled his eyes and sighed. “C’mon, Ev, please? I’m hungry too.”

Evan was silent for a long time— long enough for Connor to wonder if he had fallen back to sleep. But then he let out a breath and loosened his grip. “Okay.”

Connor did his level best to not look too relieved as he pulled back and kissed him. “Thank you.”

Evan managed a small smile in response and rolled away, letting Connor pull him out of the bed and down the stairs.

There wasn’t much in the kitchen, since Heidi lost her mind whenever Connor tried to buy groceries, but there was chicken in the fridge and enough vegetables either in the freezer or from Evan’s garden for Connor to make them a decent meal. 

“I feel better now,” Evan admitted once he finished eating and they were cleaning the kitchen. “I always feel better after I eat, but I always forget that when I’m not eating.”

Connor hummed in agreement and finished drying the plate in his hand. He pulled Evan in backwards by the waist and pressed a kiss to the side of his neck. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he mumbled.

Evan melted back against him. “Thank you.” He turned around, bringing his arms up to Connor’s shoulders. “I missed you.”

Connor squeezed his hips. “You’ve seen me everyday, Ev.”

“Yeah, but not…” He drifted off, blushing slightly, and Connor was confused until he realized what he meant.

He pulled Evan in closer with a smirk. “Yeah, I missed you too,” he said, and then kissed him, licking at his bottom lip when Evan met the kiss with fervor.

Evan rolled his hips forward and they both groaned into each other’s mouths. They hadn’t had sex in nearly two weeks now (since Connor’s birthday), which wasn’t exactly a long time, but it was made worse by the fact that it was not a voluntary break.

Connor pushed him towards the counter and Evan jumped up, spreading his legs for Connor to come between them. When Evan broke the kiss to breathe, Connor moved down to suck on his neck.

“Upstairs,” Evan gasped, pushing at Connor with his hands but pulling him in with his knees.

Connor nodded and pulled back reluctantly, allowing Evan off the counter. They stumbled their way out of the kitchen and through the living room to the stairs, though they kept having to stop to make out, unable to go more than a few seconds without each other. The floodgates were open now.

They somehow made it into Evan’s room and they were discarding their clothes almost immediately, not bothering to try to undress each other in favor of getting naked as quickly as possible.

Connor pushed Evan into the bed, landing on top of him and sealing their lips back together. His tongue dove in to explore Evan’s mouth, and Evan submitted to him, letting Connor claim him.

Their hips ground together and they both moaned at the friction. Evan reached down to jack Connor. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, squeezing his cock in indication of what he meant. “Want you inside me. Wanna feel you.”

Connor groaned and cursed and bucked into Evan’s hand. “Lube,” he requested urgently, even though he already knew where it was. He scrambled for the bedside drawer and found the bottle in record time.

Evan let go of him to find purchase on his shoulders when Connor pressed a finger against his entrance, He whined and threw his head back.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” Connor muttered, moving his finger around. “When’s the last time you fingered yourself, baby?”

Evan shook his head. “Not without you. Not the same.”

Connor huffed out a laugh at that and added a second finger. Evan made a noise low in the back of his throat and ground down as Connor scissored him open, purposefully avoiding his prostate.

“Please please please, Connor, please—” He cut himself off with a shout as Connor finally pressed against that bundle of nerves.

“But I like thinking about how you’d touch yourself thinking of me,” Connor continued, adding a third finger to Evan’s loud approval. “All frustrated cos your fingers aren’t enough.”

Evan groaned and pressed down on Connor’s fingers, trying to take more of him.

“I’ll get you a dildo,” Connor went on. “You can bounce on that when I’m not here. Pretend it’s me.”

Evan whined and threw his head back, keeping his eyes screwed shut. “Please,” he mumbled, sounding mindless. “Want you— please, I—” He choked on his words as Connor hit his prostate again.

“You ready for me, baby?” Connor asked, thrusting his fingers in and out a few more times just to make sure. Because if Evan was desperate enough he’s liable to say he’s ready before he really is.

Evan nodded frantically. “Yes, please, want you.”

“Okay, baby, hold on.” He pulled his fingers out and reached for the drawer again to find the condoms, but Evan caught his wrist. Connor’s brow furrowed as he looked down at him in question.

Evan’s eyes were wide as he bit his lip. “Don’t— I just— I just want you,” he stuttered. “Nothing else.”

Connor’s breath caught in his throat. It wasn’t exactly a stupid idea. They were both virgins before they met and they weren’t having sex with anyone else. It was just the principle of the thing, really. It was a whole other level of trust.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Evan nodded again. “If you— I trust you.”

Connor dove down to kiss him and Evan let out a little surprised noise before responding. 

“Okay,” Connor breathed, pulling back.

Evan’s smile was unparalleled. “Really? You want to?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Obviously I want to, Ev. I love you. I want you.”

Evan flushed bright red at that and Connor took the opportunity to grind their hips together again. “Okay,” Evan gripped at Connor’s biceps. “Get inside me. Please. Now.”

Connor chuckled and found the lube again. He let Evan coat his cock though as he reached down to finger him again, wanting it to be as smooth as possible— especially now without the extra lube from the condom. Then he was lining himself up and looking up at Evan. “Are you—”

“Fuck me, Connor, please,” Evan cut him off desperately.

And Connor would never be any good at denying Evan anything. Slowly he entered him, and _holy fuck_ whoever said condoms don’t make a difference was _lying._ “Fuck,” he rasped, bottoming out and struggling to keep himself still.

Evan wriggled down on him and Connor choked on a gasp, burying his face in Evan’s neck and biting his shoulder.

“Ohmygodmove,” Evan babbled, nails scraping at Connor’s back, and Connor didn’t need telling twice. He pulled his hips back and pushed back into him and they both let out loud groans.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Connor muttered.

“You— ah!” He screamed as Connor hit his prostate. “You too!” 

Connor kissed him as he continued to thrust into him, and Evan arched his back, adjusting the angle so that Connor hit that spot every time.

“Faster, harder, please, Con—” Evan choked on a gargled noise as Connor obliged his request, taking hold of his hips and slamming into him.

“I’m not gonna last,” Connor warned him. It felt too good.

“Me—ngh—me neither,” Evan agreed, so Connor let go of his hips to pull at his weeping cock. Evan threw his head back and cried, bucking into Connor’s hand while he fucked himself back on his dick.

“C’mon, come for me,” Connor muttered, needing Evan to come before he did. “You’re so hot. So beautiful. Love you so fucking much, Ev. You’re so good for me.”

Evan came suddenly with a wrecked sob and Connor worked him through it, slowing down his thrusts so that the sudden clenching wouldn’t make him come. He was prepared to pull out and finish, but then Evan gripped his back. “Keep going, please, want— want to feel you. Want you to come inside me.”

Connor groaned and sped back up, plowing into him with reckless abandon. He came with a final thrust and Evan dug his heels in and held onto his hips, keeping him in place and milking him for all he was worth.

“Fuck, Evan!”

Evan made a pleased noise and rotated his hips, making Connor moan as his cock continued to spurt into him. He’s never come this much in life, he’s sure. He collapsed on top of him, boneless.

Evan ran his fingers lightly down Connor’s back, humming in content. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you so much oh my god,” Connor replied, and Evan chuckled. “You’re so incredible. Fuck.” He pulled back and out, looking down to watch his come spill out of Evan’s red and fucked out hole. “Fuck. That’s hot.”

Evan squirmed around and Connor mindlessly reached down to push the escaped semen back in. Evan moaned and Connor watched his face as he rubbed the come into his inner walls.

He pulled his fingers out and brought them up to Evan’s mouth, and Evan opened obediently, licking him clean of their combined fluids.

“You’re so good,” Connor praised him, using his free and mostly-clean hand to pet Evan’s hair.

Evan hummed and kissed the inside of Connor’s wrist before looking down at the mess they made. He was covered in come, and Connor wasn’t much better. “Wanna shower.”

Connor laughed and kissed him. “Okay, baby.” He stood up and picked Evan up, knowing he wouldn’t be able to walk properly anytime soon. He brought him into the bathroom and set him down next to the shower, letting Evan lean heavily against him as he turned the water on and waited for it to get hot.

Evan was all limp and pliable as Connor guided him under the spray of water, shutting the glass door behind them. “Tilt your head back,” Connor ordered and Evan obliged, keeping his eyes closed as he swayed slightly in place. He chuckled as Evan had to hold onto his arms to keep himself standing. “You’re gonna fall,” he said.

“You’ll catch me,” Evan replied easily, barely reacting as Connor started washing him off. He whimpered slightly when he moved around his spent cock and raw hole, but other than that he just let Connor take care of him.

“Okay, I need to shower too, babe.”

Evan shook his head and wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist. “Not leaving.”

Connor rolled his eyes. Evan always got really clingy after sex, but this might be a whole new level. “Alright, c’mere,” he sighed, shifting them so that he was more under the water. Evan stepped back just enough so that Connor could clean himself, but he kept a hold of one of his hands, meaning it took much longer than it should have and the water was luke-warm by the time he finally finished.

He turned the water off and grabbed a towel from the hook outside the door, wrapping it around Evan before he had a chance to complain about how cold he was. He took the second one and wrapped it around his waist before guiding them out.

“You’re just gonna have to have curly hair,” Connor told him as they walked past the sink and hair products, back into the room.

“Mmkay.” Evan was a lot more compliant than usual. He looked like he was about to fall asleep standing up.

Connor found clean underwear and a t-shirt and dressed him, then took his own extra change of clothes out of the drawer they kept them (hidden) in and put those on. Evan was back in his arms as soon as they were free again.

“Bed,” he requested, burying his face in Connor’s chest.

“I want to know where your vocabulary goes after I fuck you,” Connor quipped, squeezing his ass playfully.

Evan hummed. “Me too.” Then he pulled back and yanked on Connor’s arm, hauling him back into the bed. He curled onto his side and made Connor spoon him, taking his hands and placing them on his stomach. “I like feeling you in me,” he said, shifting back just enough to press his ass into Connor’s groin. “Never wanna use a condom again.”

“Fine by me,” Connor laughed, pulling Evan closer. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Evan yawned, and Connor felt his breathing even out a few seconds later. He followed quickly after.

Connor woke up for the third time that day in the middle of the night and instantly started disassociating. Everything was too good, wrapped around Evan like this after everything that happened. He didn’t deserve it. If it wasn’t for the vivid memory of Evan’s panic attack and self-harm from this morning, Connor would be convinced he was dead or dreaming.

He buried his face in the pillow and tried to hold Evan tighter, to ground himself back in reality, but it didn’t work. The easiest solution would be to wake Evan up. Evan always knew what to say when Connor got like this. Something so _Evan_ that Connor’s brain had no choice but to accept the fact that it couldn’t have thought of that. Or better yet: he’d smile. His smile was too real and too beautiful to ever be made up in Connor’s head.

But Connor was loathe to interrupt the peace his boyfriend had found— he so rarely had that, and Connor wouldn’t be the one to take it away.

Sighing, he very carefully pulled away the covers and slid out of the bed, attempting to make as little noise as humanly possible as he found his sweats. He padded lightly across the room and opened the door, twisting the handle all the way before pulling, and holding it like that before closing it.

When he got downstairs he thanked every deity he could think of that he’d put his pants back on.

Because Heidi Hansen was sitting at the dining room table, still in her work scrubs and keys still in her hand— apparently she was also good at opening and closing doors without making a sound.

For a second, Connor considered spinning around and attempting to make it back upstairs before she could realize he was there. But the prospect of getting caught trying to run away sounded worse than just accepting his fate and biting the bullet.

He cleared his throat.

Her head snapped up, but she didn’t seem surprised to see him, probably because she saw his car parked out front. Or possibly because Connor was in her house more often than she was (this week excluded), and maybe it was to the point that she just expected to see him here.

He hated running into her anymore though, because he was suddenly viscerally aware of the fact that Evan was currently upstairs passed out from post-orgasm, and Connor was almost a worse liar than Evan— since he didn’t have a nervous stutter and anxiety to fall back on.

“Hi, Connor,” she greeted, and she didn’t sound as annoyed as he expected her to.

“Hi, Ms. Hansen.” He brought his arm up to rub at the back of his neck, but thought better of it last minute and ended up just making an awkward aborted gesture. “Um, you’re home?”

Connor winced, mentally punching himself in the face. _‘You’re home?’ Seriously?_ On top of just being fucking obvious, who the hell was he to ask that like it’s some kind of question. It’s her home. She’s allowed to be here.

Heidi didn’t seem to notice. “Yeah it was a slow night so they sent a few of us home early. How is Evan? He didn’t seem okay before I left. I figured you’d show up.” She might have sounded a little bitter, but Connor chose to ignore it.

He reached over to scratch his arm— his tick for when he wasn’t telling the truth. “Oh, yeah, things got… better.” That wasn’t technically a lie, at least. Evan definitely felt better now, but that had less to do with Connor’s ability to _talk_ him out of his head as much as it did his ability to _fuck_ him—

“That’s good,” she interrupted that train of thought and Connor hoped his blush wasn’t visible in the dim lighting. God, he knew it was overall better that they did stuff here since it was only ever the two of them, but Christ, at least Larry and Cynthia _knew._ It was still awkward if it came up, but at least it didn’t feel like walking through a minefield.

“He’s been better since he met you,” she said suddenly, and Connor subconsciously adjusted his posture. “I mean, I’m sure you know… his anxiety and everything— else.”

Connor’s stomach turned. It wasn’t long ago that he was sobbing in his own mother’s arms after throwing up, having woken up from a nightmare of watching Evan kill himself over and over again. “Uh… yeah.”

“I saw that picture you drew of him. The one he has taped to the wall? I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. But with you he…?”

“He smiles all the time,” Connor assured her. He could tell her that he used to keep count but he lost track. He could tell her that he spent years pining after that smile and he understood how she felt, not being able to see it often.

But of course he _couldn’t_ say any of that.

He could tell that Heidi was sleep deprived because the next words out of her mouth were: “After the first time… when he was only nine. I just kept pretending that everything was going to be okay. I feel so useless. I mean, I’m his mother and I can’t even… But you… He’s so happy with you.”

Connor’s brain short-circuited. He knew about the attempt when Evan was nine, but he was under the impression that Heidi thought he just wasn’t paying attention when he’d walked into the road. Evan had always said the only time she knew about was the pills when he was twelve. “I didn’t know you knew…”

“Four times,” Heidi confirmed. “There’s no way he fell out of that fucking tree.”

Connor shifted his weight uneasily. In some ways he was relieved to know that Heidi didn't buy all of Evan’s lies, but also, “So… why don’t you tell him you know?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how to… He’s so worried I’ll think he’s broken or a mess or whatever. I don’t think he’ll believe me when I say I don’t.”

That annoyed Connor more than it probably should. The rationale was just _so dumb._ “But right now he thinks you just don’t care.”

Heidi’s eyes widened in horror. “Of course I—”

“I know,” Connor said quickly, worried she might get angry at him. He really didn’t think he could handle having his boyfriend’s mother hate him. Even if she doesn’t know he’s Evan’s boyfriend. The fact that she thought he saw Evan as a charity case was stressful enough. “But, I mean, I didn’t even really buy that tree story when we first met, and he knows it. So the fact that he thinks you did…”

Heidi hung her head in shame.

Connor took a deep breath and moved forward to sit down in the chair adjacent to hers. “You should talk to my mom,” he said eventually. 

Some part of him was screaming that that was a terrible idea, considering Evan’s closeted status and Cynthia’s inability to keep her mouth shut. But at the same time the two mothers were in similar positions, and his mom had handled it really well recently after screwing it up for a long time. Connor didn’t really know how she did it, but he trusted them again.

And Heidi was still _so young_ and it’s obvious she hasn’t had any help with this parenting thing. And it’s not like _he_ could give advice to his boyfriend’s mother. That had to be some breach of confidence or something. He was already plotting out in the back of his head how he’ll break it to Evan that his mom knows about all of his attempts. His loyalties lie elsewhere, as it were. At least Heidi and Cynthia would be on more equal footing.

“Your mom?” Heidi asked blankly, and Connor could see her closing off the same way Evan always does whenever someone offers him help.

“I’m not exactly the picture of mental health,” Connor admitted. “And she’s… been there.”

Heidi nodded slowly in understanding and Connor could practically hear her starting to worry about him and Evan spending so much time together.

“I’ve been a lot better lately,” he hurried to add. “I mean, that was three years ago. But I just… I promise I’m not a bad influence on Evan. I’m doing my best and I really care about him. We’re not… I mean, we’re helping each other. It’s not—” Connor didn’t know how to articulate any of this, and he was dangerously close to admitting his undying love for her son. He snapped his jaw shut and gave her a pleading look. _Please don’t take him away from me._

She placed a hand over his. “Thank you, honey. Don’t worry, I trust you with Evan.”

Connor felt all the air get sucked out of his lungs. “You do?”

Heidi smirked. “You know what one of the first things you ever said to me was?” Connor shook his head. “You said, ‘I swear to God I’ll keep Evan safe or I promise you can kill me yourself.’ I knew then you were good for him.”

Connor couldn’t stop himself from blurting out, “Then why did you say we needed to stop hanging out so much?” He winced when he heard how rude he sounded. “I just… he’s my best friend. I… Evan told me you said I thought of him as charity, but I don’t, I swear. I just—” _I just want to take care of him because no one else is and I can’t handle the thought of losing him. I love him._

Heidi sighed, having the decency to look guilty. “I think my mother gets the best of me sometimes,” she said. “She kicked me out when I was sixteen. Told me that if I was old enough to get pregnant then I was old enough to make it on my own. I’ve had to work so hard for what little we have. I’m too proud for my own good— and Evan’s.”

Connor nodded slowly, not surprised by the admission. She was basically just confirming what he’d already known. “I’m just trying to help him,” he said quietly. “He’s my best friend.”

Heidi nodded and Connor hoped that meant she was going to back off. “Evan needs people looking out for him,” she said. “I just wish I could be around more.”

“He understands,” Connor assured her, scratching his arm. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. Evan _did_ understand, but that didn’t mean he was okay with it.

Heidi seemed to hear the unspoken part of that sentence anyway. She nodded sadly. “Did you come downstairs for something?”

“Oh, yeah… I needed water.” He reached for his arm and then consciously brought it back down to his side. He _did_ need water. He was nearly dehydrated at the moment. It’s just that he was dehydrated because he just spent the last hour fucking his boyfriend _(her son)_ into the mattress. And it’s not like she’s just going to _guess_ that because he said he needed water. But that didn’t stop his shoulders from tensing as he was suddenly convinced she knew and she was disgusted and she hated him and was going to kick him out and refuse to let Evan see him ever again and— 

“I’ll get you some,” she said with a smile, standing up to go to the sink.

Connor let out the breath he’d been holding and closed his eyes, silently wishing he had Evan there to hold his hand or tug on his hoodie strings and remind him that the universe actually wasn’t out to get him.

When she came back she handed him the glass and patted him on the shoulder. “Go on back to bed, dear. You look exhausted.”

“Thanks,” he said quietly.

“Thank you,” she replied with a lot more emotion than Connor was really prepared to handle right then, so he just nodded and went back up the stairs as quickly as he could without spilling the water.

Evan was awake when he got back in the room, but only just barely. His brow furrowed as he squinted up at Connor. His mouth formed something that might have been a question, but no actual noise came out.

Connor melted at the sleepy look. _Fuck, he’s so cute._ “I’m here,” he told him, finally drinking the water and putting the glass down on the nightstand. He tossed the lube back into the drawer while he was at it.

Evan grabbed his arm and basically dragged him back into the bed, lying across him so that he couldn’t leave again even if he wanted to. Connor chuckled and kissed the top of his head.

“Love you,” Evan mumbled and then fell asleep a second later.

“Yeah, I love you too,” Connor whispered, and it felt like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Deeply Personal Author's Not Because I Feel Like I Owe You An Explanation **
> 
> These last two weeks have been ~really fucking hard~ and I just could not work up the ability (or the time honestly) to do a final edit of this chapter. I love this story so much and I love writing it, but all of the ~sad shit~ is based off my own experiences and I was so goddamn lonely these last few weeks that reading about these boys having each other was making me jealous?? Of my own characters?? Anyway, it was upsetting so I just had to take a break from DEH for a second.
> 
> On top of being mentally ill, I'm also physically ill and have been for years. I can usually keep it under control but I've been neglecting to take my meds and I had a bad flare up for the first time in a long time. Yesterday I couldn't walk without being in serious pain and I had small myoclonic seizures all night. 
> 
> Honestly, I had zero plans of posting this today because it tends to make me spiral when I'm not in a good headspace and I convince myself that everything I write is terrible. BUT I woke up to the loveliest comment ever from @fogonoparquinho and it made me go back and read all of your comments. Thank you guys so much for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I know reading WIPs is a risk, but it's seriously so helpful for writers. (Even though this isn't technically a WIP as all 7 chapters have already been fully written and are sitting in my drafts, and I know I use that as a way to get people to read while I'm posting so it's really unfair of me to not post when I say I will and I'm sorry I'll try to do better.)
> 
> Anyway, much love to you all. Thank you so much for being here.  
> ❤︎ - Juliet
> 
> (Also you definitely shouldn't feel the need to feel sorry for me or say any awkward get well soon stuff or whatever! I'm good! And comments about the story honestly mean so much more!)


	3. December

“Where the fuck is your boyfriend anyway?” Jared asked from the other end of the headset as they played Dead Island. 

It was a fair enough question: Evan basically lived at the Murphy’s house nowadays (but no one was mentioning it). And regardless, Connor and Evan were rarely not in the same room. But Connor deflected the question anyway. “‘Your boyfriend’” he mimicked Jared’s nasally voice. “Why are you trying to pass off responsibility for him as if you’re not in love with him?”

“Hey now, ‘love’ is a strong word there, bud. And I’ve seen it on you two enough to know I’ve never been in it.” It was a weirdly sincere thing to say, but Jared just had the sort of constantly-sarcastic tone that made it impossible to take anything he said seriously. “The only thing I _feel_ about Evan is that he has a truly fantastic ass.”

Connor snorted and turned his character around in the game to shoot Jared’s in the leg.

“Yo! What the fuck??”

Connor laughed unrepentantly and ran off before Jared could try to retaliate. “I mean, you’re not wrong.”

“Then _why the fuck did you shoot me?_ ”

“Because, asshole, as you so elegantly pointed out, that’s my _boyfriend_ you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, your boyfriend who has an objectively great ass.”

Connor turned around again, but Jared jumped behind a nearby rock, expecting it this time. Connor rolled his eyes and continued on. 

“Hey, fuck you, you dodged my question. Where the fuck is Evan? Did you kill him?”

Connor made a distressed noise. “You literally just got done saying that I love him.”

“People kill people they love all the time.”

“You’re really fucked up, you know that?”

Jared let out that stupid obnoxious cackle that he has. “Oh my god, I can’t believe _Connor Murphy_ just told me _I’m_ fucked up. What the fuck has my life come to? How did I get to this point? Why the fuck are we friends?”

Connor rolled his eyes, used to Jared’s occasional bouts of existentialism at this point. “How do you think I feel?” he replied blandly.

“Yeah, you said hi to Evan and basically had your entire world turned inside out, didn’t you?” _There he goes being weirdly sincere again._ “I mean, you’re not even a virgin anymore! Who would’ve guessed!” _And back to normal._ He was like a pendulum. Or an out of control wrecking ball.

“Yep, I get that sweet ass,” Connor shot back. “When’s the last time you had sex again? Because I did last night—”

“Shut your dirty whore mouth, Murphy.”

Connnor laughed. “Oh? Touchy subject?”

“Wait. Fuck you. Where the fuck is Evan?”

It was sometimes really annoying how smart Jared actually was. He disguised it so well most of the time. “Ugh, Jesus Christ, he’s out with Zoe and my mom.”

Jared made an ambivalent noise somewhere between incredulous and highly amused. “ _What?_ ”

“You heard me.”

“I meant _why,_ dickweed.”

“You should really say what you mean then.”

“You realize the more you dodge the question the more outlandish my assumptions become, right?”

“At least he admits he’s outlandish.”

“Don’t talk about me to me in the third person. You are not narrating my life.”

“But do you know that for certain?” Connor challenged, knowing it would annoy the stupid little existentialist in the back of Jared’s head that liked to keep him up at night.

Jared groaned. “Just answer the damn question, Murphy.”

“Which one is that?”

Connor could _feel_ Jared’s frustration. _“Why_ is Evan Hansen currently gone with your sister and mother?” he grit out through his teeth.

“Christmas shopping,” Connor answered.

“Christmas shopping?” Jared asked.

“Christmas shopping,” Connor confirmed.

There was a long silence.

Then: “Evan is Jewish.”

Connor rolled his eyes so hard it was a wonder they didn’t roll right out of his head. _“Really?”_ he replied sarcastically.

“Oh my god, you’re converting him to catholicism.”

“What—”

“You piece of shit—”

“Jared, what the—”

“I cannot believe—“

“JESUS CHRIST KLEINMAN SHUT UP.” Connor took a deep breath. This is why he needed Evan. “No one is converting Evan to catholicism. Evan would never. What is wrong with you? Also we’re like barely religious why would anyone even—”

“Ugh, I don’t know. You’re allowed to have a dumb brain. So am I.”

Connor pressed his lips together. Right. Pretty much everyone in their friend group had an overprotective streak when it came to Evan (he just had that effect on people), but if Connor was in first place, then Jared was in a close second. Which was ironic considering how poorly he’s treated Evan in the past. But then again that’s also maybe why.

“Still a weird conclusion to jump to because I said ‘Christmas shopping.’”

“Whatever.”

“My family still celebrates Christmas, sorry. And I guess Cynthia and Zoe decided Evan would be good to bring along for advice on what to get me.”

“Poor Evan.”

“I tried to save him.”

“How did you fail?”

Usually his family was pretty okay at gauging when they needed to back away from Evan because they were pushing him too far. Especially this last month since Evan had essentially moved in. Connor rarely had to step in anymore and remind them that Evan was fragile. He’d thought this morning would be one of those rare occasions, but surprisingly, “Evan volunteered to go. Insisted, actually.”

_“Why?”_

“Ooo, he asked the right question this time,” Connor quipped, using the third person intentionally to piss him off.

“Oh my fucking god.”

Connor grinned triumphantly at Jared’s annoyed tone but had mercy anyway. “Fuck if I know, dude.”

“Damn. Aren’t you supposed to know Evan like on a spiritual level or some shit?”

It felt like that sometimes. But Connor wasn’t about to admit that to Jared Fucking Kleinman. “I love him but that doesn’t mean he’s not still weird as fuck.”

Jared snorted. “LMAO true.”

“I can’t believe you just said ‘LMAO’ out loud.”

“LMAO.”

“Christ.” He turned around and shot Jared again, laughing at the series of (admittedly creative) expletives he got in return. He glanced down to his phone as it vibrated with a new message.

**Alana:** _Is there an ice cream place that’s open in December? One that doesn’t require driving into Rochester?_

“Did you get that?” Jared asked.

“Mm.” Connor chewed on the inside of his cheek. He technically knew of a place, but as much as he loved Alana, he wasn’t _super_ willing to give it away.

“Do you think she’s okay?”

Connor sighed. _No._ “When was the last time Alana ate ice cream and was okay?”

Jared hummed agreement. “Don’t you and Evan have a secret ice cream place?”

“Why the fuck do you know that?”

“Sometimes your boyfriend rambles and sometimes I listen for blackmail purposes,” Jared replied casually. “Is it open?”

Connor made an involuntary distressed noise in the back of his throat.

“Oh my god, don’t be a dick, Murphy. That’s my thing.”

“Can’t I just, like, go buy her some Ben & Jerry’s?”

“She’s clearly trying to get out of her house.”

Connor made that noise again. “She can come over here?”

“Connor Lawrence Murphy.”

“Okay, why the fuck do you know my middle name?”

“EvanRambles™”

“Jesus fuck. What else has he accidentally told you?”

“Let’s just say I know a lot more about your sex life than you’d probably be comfortable with.”

The noise Connor made that time was _unholy._

Jared ignored it. “You’re deflecting again.”

“No, now I’m genuinely freaking out over what my boyfriend has told you about our sex life.”

“Alana deserves better than you.”

“Oh my god.” Connor picked up his phone.

**Connor:** _i might know a place_

He heard Jared’s phone ding through the headset. “You’re a good person, Connor Murphy.”

“Shut the fuck up.” He had a private message from Evan.

**Evan:** _????_

**Connor:** _you’re the one who told kleinman about it_

**Evan:** _What?? When??_

**Connor:** _apparently sometime in between divulging information about our sex life_

**Evan:** _WHAT??_

**Connor:** _aren’t you supposed to be like hyper-conscious of what you’re saying?_

**Evan:** _I think the new meds make the rambling worse._

**Connor:** _that actually explains a lot._

**Evan:** _???_

**Connor:** _you went on for like an hour yesterday about Germany?_

**Evan:** _Seriously?_

**Connor:** _you don’t remember?_

**Evan:** _I mean, vaguely? That sounds sort of familiar. Should I tell my doctor this?_

**Connor:** _probably but i’ll look it up._

**Evan:** _Thanks I love you._

It was common now for Connor to look up any questions Evan had relating to medical issues, because if Evan did it himself he would end up on a WebMD spiral, convinced he had a brain tumor or whatever.

“Hey, asshat,” Jared chimed in, and Connor may have jumped a little. “Yeah, I’m still here. Are you gonna answer Alana, or is Evan having a panic attack and taking priority?”

“Don’t say it like that,” Connor snapped. He knew what he was getting at, obviously, but Jared could be a bit more sensitive sometimes, for fuck’s sake.

“Sorry.” At least he was getting better at apologizing. “You know what I mean.”

Connor didn’t feel like replying to that so he didn’t. He went back to the thread with Evan.

**Connor:** _love you too. are you cool with me telling about a la mode?_

**Evan:** _Yeah I guess, if you are._

**Evan:** _Just don’t mention the orchard._

**Connor:** _of course_

He thumbed over to the group chat. Alana was being as polite as ever.

**Alana:** _Can you give me the name, please?_

**Connor:** _uh they don’t like have a website or anything and it’s sort of in the middle of nowhere. like i don’t think google even knows it exists_

**Alana:** _Um? Are you sure it’s a legitimate business?_

**Connor:** _i mean i know they have legitimate ice cream_

**Alana:** _Can you give me directions?_

**Connor:** _no but i can drive you_

**Alana:** _Fine. When can you be here?_

**Connor:** _evan and zoe aren’t home. can you just come here and we’ll all go when they get back?_

**Alana:** _Yeah._

**Jared:** _am i invited?_

**Connor:** _if you’re done being an asshole_

“I said I was sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Connor, please pull the stick out of your ass. I’m sorry I said it like that. _Was_ he panicking?”

“No,” Connor grumbled.

_“So…”_

“Fine.”

“Thanks.”

“You could be a bit more fucking sensitive sometimes, Kleinman. Evan is—”

“—The love of your life and fragile as fuck, _I know._ Holy shit. I’m trying.”

“Yeah.” Connor knew he didn’t sound believable.

“Y’know you let everyone else get away with a lot of shit. You never yell at Alana or Zoe when they forget to walk on eggshells.”

“They’ve never hurt him as much as you have.”

There was a long silence. Connor knew he was technically crossing a line. They never talked about Evan and Jared’s harrowed past. It was like the massive fucking elephant in the corner of every room they walked into. Evan was fine with just accepting what Jared had said when he thought Evan couldn’t hear him, but Connor could tell that it still affected him sometimes— especially when Jared was being particularly insensitive. Evan wasn’t good at letting people in (or back in) and he was obviously still afraid sometimes that Jared was going to revert back into an asshole. So yeah, Connor was a bit overprotective when it came to Evan’s friendship with Jared. Even though he genuinely _liked_ Jared (which was still sort of surreal), Evan still took priority by about 1,000 miles.

Connor knew what Jared was thinking now though. He desperately wanted to play the “I’ve known Evan longer” card. But they both knew it didn’t count for as much as it appeared to. Jared may have known him longer, but Connor still knew him better. Evan would still choose Connor if it came down to it because Connor was the only one who ever took care of him.

Jared had tried to help, in his own weird dysfunctional way, but he and Heidi were proof that trying didn’t count as much as succeeding. Evan needed a very specific kind of support, and so far Connor had been the only one who could give it (and more recently Cynthia and Larry were helping too). And that went both ways.

So no, Jared wasn’t allowed to question Connor and Evan’s relationship and what was _taking priority._ Especially when Jared put himself over Evan for years and Evan tried to kill himself _four_ (almost five) times in all that extra time that Jared “knew him.”

“Yeah,” Jared finally broke the silence. “I know.”

“Sorry.” Connor sighed. “Not for calling you out. But y’know… about the shitty situation. I know you didn’t mean for it to get like that. And it’s not your fault.”

“Do you think that’s what your mom tells Heidi?” Jared quipped, successfully breaking the tension. He was really good at that.

Connor snorted. _Maybe._ Ever since the week-from-hell in November, Evan had barely stepped foot in his house. Like, half of his clothes were in Connor’s closet and dresser. He even brought his plants over. Connor knew Cynthia and Heidi were in regular contact, and Evan was still technically speaking to her, but Connor truly had no clue what was going on behind the scenes.

Cynthia had at some point realized how _young_ Heidi is, and that somehow developed into her and Larry basically adopting both the mother and son. The other day, he heard Larry on the phone explaining _financial planning_ to her. It kind of sounded like she was thinking about selling her house and getting an apartment. Like Evan living with them was becoming permanent.

Which was fine by Connor. He wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Though it did mean they should probably be taking advantage of the empty house while they still could. Because Evan was definitely still god-awful at keeping quiet and his family was _right there—_

Connor jumped slightly when he looked up to see Alana standing in his doorway. He forgot that she lived close by. Not that it was really possible to live far away in Penfield.

“Your dad let me in,” she said in place of greeting and by way of explanation. “Are you talking to Jared?”

Connor glanced to the side. “Jared?” he asked.

“Yep, still here,” he sighed. “Didn’t realize you were gonna zone out like that. I’ve been watching your ass for the last five minutes.”

Connor frowned in confusion before remembering that _Oh yeah they were playing a game._ He looked up to see their characters surrounded by zombies. “Shit, sorry,” he let out, immediately getting to clicking buttons and helping him.

Alana sat down beside his beanbag on the floor, and Connor looked away from the screen long enough to gage if he needed to stop playing immediately and make sure she’s okay.

She didn’t look… great. 

“Jared, are you coming here or am I picking you up?”

Jared probably read his tone. “Er, I can walk over there now.”

“Cool. See you.” They both ended the game at the same time and Connor took his headset off as he turned to Alana. “What’s up?”

“Nothing new,” she sighed.

“Your dads?”

“Just the one. Is it really horrible and heteronormative of me to complain that he isn’t even my real dad?”

Connor grimaced. “I mean, you’re hitting the nail on the head of why Evan and I are definitely going to adopt over getting a surrogate but…” he shrugged. “If it makes you feel better?”

Alana groaned and hid her face in her hands. “It doesn’t.”

“Well, what will?”

“Ice cream.”

Connor let out a small laugh. “Okay. We’re going to get ice cream in a bit. In the meantime do you want to talk about it?”

Alana muttered a few expletives in French that Connor only halfway regretted teaching her. “It’s really horrible,” she finally said in English.

He waited for her to go on, but she remained stubbornly silent. He elbowed her side. “It can’t be that bad.”

She let out a really long breath and when she looked up she looked _apologetic,_ which wasn’t great for Connor’s paranoia. He discreetly curled his fingers into his palm and attempted to focus on that instead of assuming the worst of his best friend. 

“So you know how my dad works for the school board?” She waited until Connor nodded. “Yeah, well, he has access to everyone’s grades and—”

“Did he look at my file because—”

Alana rolled her eyes loud enough for Connor’s mouth to snap shut. “No. He just looked at the stupid class rankings and apparently you did really well this semester because—”

“Okay, I know I’m not above you,” Connor interrupted.

Alana glared at him. “Do you remember that conversation we had about listening instead of assuming how I’m going to end my sentences and getting mad about it?”

Connor clenched his jaw. Technically, they’d also pointed out that Alana had a similar problem during that conversation, but this seemed like a bad time to bring that up. “Go on,” he said dryly.

“You are in a _very_ close second,” she said. “Close enough for my dad to freak out about me being, god forbid, salutatorian.”

Connor’s brow furrowed. “How is that even possible? You’ve taken more AP’s than me. Your GPA should be weighted heavier.”

She shrugged. “Your grades are better. It’s evening out, I guess. Because I’ve like…” she waved her hand around similar to the way Evan does when he’s trying to articulate something complicated “... calmed down, y’know? Also AP French is kicking my ass and obviously you’re flying through it so—” Her eyes widened suddenly and she snapped around to face Connor. “Ohmygod I am not asking you to _do worse._ Please don’t take it that way. I am not blaming you. Like obviously it’s great that you’re doing so well and I would be so happy for you if you got val—”

“Lana,” Connor cut her off quickly before she could spiral. “I know. I wasn’t taking it that way. I’m actually kinda pissed that I’m apparently the salutatorian. I don’t want to give a stupid fucking speech at our pointless graduation.”

Alana gave a small thankful smile. “You can’t drop down to third though.”

“Why not?”

“Evan’s in third.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“He’d actually die.”

“Maybe not.” Alana raised a brow. “You should have more faith in him.”

Connor made an offended noise. “I have faith in him!”

“But you’re overprotective which overrules it,” she pointed out knowingly. 

Which marked the third time Connor had heard that today. “I am _normal_ levels of protective over my severely anxious and historically suicidal boyfriend,” he hissed.

“Mmhm,” Alana agreed, patting his arm because she knows he hates saying that second part out loud. 

Jared appeared in the doorway and Connor squinted up at him. “Jesus Christ, did you run here?”

He shrugged. “It was a brisk walk… And I cut through Señora Reyes’s yard.”

“This is why you’re failing Spanish.”

“I’m failing Spanish because _no hablo inglés.”_

“ _Español,_ dumbass. You just said you don’t speak _English._ ”

Jared laughed, completely unaffected. “That too,” he said, walking into the room and leaning casually against Connor’s (and Evan’s) dresser.

Then Evan walked around the doorway. He was reading something on his phone, but he did a double take when he looked up and found two more people than he expected to be standing in his room. “Uh, hi,” he said eloquently. “You guys are fast.”

“More like desperate to get out of our houses,” Jared said, giving Alana an empathetic look before turning back to Evan with a sly grin. “Hey, maybe we should _all_ move in with the Murphys.”

Zoe came up beside Evan. “Something tells me my parents wouldn’t be as open to that idea.”

Evan looked a bit sick at the comment so Connor hurried to add, “They basically insisted that Evan come here.”

Zoe laughed. “Yeah, they like Evan more than us.”

“I think everybody likes Evan more than everybody,” Jared said dryly. “I mean, Evan is everyone’s favorite, right?”

Connor and Zoe said “Obviously” together, while Alana gave a short “Yep.”

Evan turned bright red. “You— you guys are making fun of me.”

Connor held his arm out for his boyfriend and Evan went to him like a magnet, falling onto the beanbag and into his side. “No one’s making fun of you,” he assured him. “We just love you.”

“You’re the best of us,” Zoe said sagely and the others nodded in agreement.

Evan looked like he wanted to argue, but Connor tugged him closer and kissed the side of his head, which usually worked in keeping him from being self-deprecating. “Well—” he huffed. “I think you guys are the best, so.”

“Yeah, but who’s your favorite?” Connor asked with a too-wide grin as he tugged Evan basically into his lap.

The others groaned. “That’s so unfair,” Zoe complained.

“Yeah, Evan, you can sit in _my_ lap if you want—” Jared cut himself off as Connor gave him a death glare. Clearly he forgot that he was still half in the dog house.

“If we’re basing favorites off who we find the most sexually appealing, then I don’t like any of you,” Alana stated tartly.

Connor rolled his eyes. “C’mon, guys. Obviously we’re basing favorites off who is nicest to us. Which is why Evan is all of ours, but I’m Evan’s.”

They all tilted their heads as they considered this line of reasoning. Evan was a sweet cinnamon roll, but Alana was hard on all of them, Jared was an asshole on instinct, and both Connor and Zoe could be really bitchy. So it was basically luck of the draw on who Evan’s favorite would be on any given day, but it was usually Connor.

“I don’t pick favorites,” Evan said definitively. “I like all of you for different reasons.”

Connor pouted. “Yeah, but you like me the most.”

Evan shot him a look which Connor chose to read as _‘Of course I like you the most. You’re the love of my life, future husband, father of my children, and shared grave mate. But there’s no point in upsetting the others.’_ But that might be a bit presumptuous. He just kinda looked annoyed.

Connor decided to kiss the look off his face. Evan promptly forgot to be annoyed, but their friends definitely still were. Connor didn’t care about them right then though.

“Hot,” Jared commented blandly, because he knew it was the fastest way to make them stop with the PDA —since the overwhelming need to glare at him would win out.

“Aren’t we supposed to finally be learning about Connor and Evan’s secret ice cream place?” Zoe asked.

Alana’s head whipped around to furrow her brow worriedly at the couple. “Secret?”

Connor momentarily opted to ignore her in favor of pinching his boyfriend’s side. “You told Zoe too?”

Evan’s face scrunched up. “No?”

Jared raised his hand. “I did!” And then he and Zoe high-fived because they’re _the worst._

“Seriously, guys,” Alana said pointedly. “If it’s a secret then this really is not a big deal. We can just—”

“It’s fine, Lana,” Connor cut her off. “We have plenty of other secret places. It’s immoral of us to keep good business from this place anyway.” He stood up, sort of lifting Evan up with him, and _yep,_ he will never get over how small and pliable his boyfriend is. Even though he’s eating healthy amounts of food everyday now and has finally gotten out of the ‘underweight’ jurisdiction, he was still just built to fit perfectly into Connor’s arms.

(Which was a ridiculously cheesy thing for Connor to be thinking about right now while surrounded by their friends…)

They made their way downstairs, giving quick farewells to Larry and Cynthia before piling into Connor’s car. Evan immediately tossed the aux into the backseat and let them fight for it like animals.

“You’re evil,” Connor whispered as their friends continued to squabble. He turned onto the main road which would lead them out of Penfield.

Evan blushed because he was rarely ever capable of being completely unrepentant. “I may or may not be a little peeved about the ice cream thing,” he admittedly quietly, just as Zoe started laying into Jared.

Connor had to hold himself back from stopping the car right there in the middle of traffic. “We can find somewhere else,” he said, attempting to slow his speed surreptitiously so as not to alert the others. “Here, take my phone and just look for—”

“No, not that.” Evan placed a hand on Connor’s thigh and Connor felt himself relax. “I’ve just been out all day so I’m _a little bit,_ y’know…” he flopped his hand around in indication of his crippling anxiety.

Connor pressed his lips together because he could tell Evan was trying to downplay his current mental state, but he also clearly wasn’t, like, actually panicking or anything. He probably just needed a break for a bit and hadn’t been expecting Jared and Alana to already be there when he got home. So his anxiety was a little higher than normal. Which was fine. Nothing they hadn’t dealt with before.

He laced their fingers together and Evan was the one who relaxed this time. “Just stick next to me, and I’ll get us outside for a bit, okay?”

Evan nodded quickly, letting out a small relieved breath at Connor’s ability to make plans around Evan’s impromptu mental health debacles. But, to be fair, Evan was equally as amazing when Connor was the one who suddenly needed out of a situation— and his episodes were rarely given so much forewarning.

“Technically the rule is _driver_ picks the music,” Alana said loudly, and she was clearly aiming for Connor to get the final say and pick her specifically to annoy Jared and Zoe.

Evan winced and Connor squeezed his hand. “Yeah, you’re right, Lana. And I pick me.” He unceremoniously unplugged the aux cord, and the radio was already set to Evan’s favorite station. It was an alt/indie/folk station that kind of sounded like hippie music, and if you told Connor six months ago that he would ever voluntarily listen to this shit, he would have punched you in the face.

But then again, if you led with the fact that _Evan Hansen_ would get him into this alt/indie/folk shit… Yeah, no, he’d probably still have punched you in the face. But he at least would have thought twice about it.

Because _fuck,_ Evan’s smile whenever a Mowgli’s song comes on… Honestly, it was dangerous for this station to be playing while Connor was driving, because he could stare at that smile for the rest of his life and never get bored of it.

_You’re Not Alone_ from the very same band filtered through the speakers and Evan got this soft little secret smile even while his friends groaned behind him, and he looked up at Connor with these _eyes_ and _fuck_ Connor was never going to recover from that look. He was a dead man driving.

He turned up the volume to drown out the complaining and was proud of himself when Evan’s smile only widened. Fuck Jared and Zoe and Alana; this was the best song _in the world_ if it made Evan look at him like that.

He saw Evan’s lips moving as he stared out the window, quietly singing along to the song, and Connor desperately wished he could turn the music down so he could hear him. But even if the heathens in the back didn’t take that as an opportunity to start bitching again, Evan would surely stop singing with them there anyway.

Still, Connor watched out of the corner of his eye as Evan’s lips moved around the words. 

_One breath deeper than the last one_

_One step closer to the ones we love_

_You've been searching for the sun so long_

_I mean it when I say_

_You're not alone_

_Even when you feel so far from home_

_Everybody's here_

_You're not alone_

And Connor definitely got it.

When the song ended, he turned the volume down to a soft hum and the others stayed blissfully quiet.

Until Zoe said, “Why does this road seem familiar?” And Evan stiffened slightly. Because A la Mode was one thing, but the orchard was another. The orchard was _their place,_ and there’s no way in hell they were sharing it.

Connor sighed, holding back the impulse to snap at his sister. He rarely (if ever) acted on that impulse anymore, and it was a valid question. “All the roads around here look the same,” he hedged.

Jared made a derisive noise: “What are you _talking_ about? Penfield isn’t exactly known for its _winding country roads._ ” It was frustrating that a particularly well-timed curve emphasized his point.

Evan took out his phone and Connor glanced over to see him typing a private message to Zoe which probably read something like ‘yeah you used to come here when you were little on the way to the orchard but please don’t mention the orchard because it’s special’ but like… in a more Evan way.

He looked in the rearview mirror when he heard Zoe’s phone go off and watched the emotions flicker across her face. Sudden realization, confusion, dawning comprehension, and then that stupid indescribably soft face that everyone got whenever Evan was being particularly _Evan-like_ (which is to say: heart-achingly adorable). She met Connor’s eyes in the mirror, and she nodded shortly in reassurance before sending Evan a similar sentiment via text.

They pulled up to A la Mode, the gravel crunching under their tires.

“Are you sure you haven’t brought us to our deaths?” Jared asked, bending down to look out the window to the little dingy storefront. Alana didn’t look much more confident in Connor’s ability to gage whether or not an ice cream store was a front for the mafia.

“I can’t believe you brought Evan here,” Zoe said, grinning and looking a little watery. “I can’t believe this place is still here.”

“You know this place?” Jared asked incredulously.

“We used to come here all the time when we were little,” she said. Connor heard her consciously cut herself off before saying ‘on the way to the orchard’ and he was thankful that Evan had the foresight to text her.

“Awe, that’s cute, Connie,” Jared mocked him.

“Whatever,” Connor grumbled, and pulled his keys out of the ignition. 

The others followed him out of the car and he tried not to think about the picture they made. Five teenagers climbing out of their Audi that didn’t fit in with the atmosphere, dressed in winter coats and scarves. An outsider would think they were just a bunch of rich kids going on a “so random poor people adventure lol ice cream in the winter.”

Evan fell into his side and Connor could tell he wasn’t really all that capable of holding himself up at the moment, so he wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led them into the small establishment.

“Connor! Evan!” the cashier exclaimed as soon as they were through the door. “The usual?”

“Hey, Jodie, yep. And we brought our friends this time…” he motioned over his shoulder to the others who were sort of oddly huddled together.

Jodie smiled brightly. “That’s great! What can I get for you guys?”

Zoe stepped forward. “Do you guys still have that homemade hot fudge you used to make?”

Jodie’s eyes sparkled. “Of course! Did you used to come here when you were little too? We used to have a lot more business back when the or—”

“Yeah, this is my sister, Zoe,” Connor interrupted loudly, startling Jodie a bit. He gave her a pointed look, glancing surreptitiously towards Jared and Alana, and she thankfully seemed to understand because she nodded discreetly and smiled at them. 

Connor handed over his card to Zoe and went ahead and shoved some cash in the tip jar. Evan was squeezing the hell out of his hand at this point. “Hold off on making ours for a sec,” he told Jodie, and again she nodded and glanced at Evan like she got the unspoken part. “We’ll be right back.” And thankfully no one asked what they were doing as they walked back out. 

Connor led them to the side of the building where there was a wooden bench facing the nearby woods. There was still a bit of ice on it from last week’s snow, but Connor just used the back of his coat arm to brush it off before they sat down.

“You okay?” he asked as Evan leaned his head against his shoulder.

“Yeah…” Evan took a deep shuddering breath. “Sorry, I don’t—”

“It’s okay,” Connor assured him. “You’re good.”

Evan squeezed his hand and nodded as he focused instead on calming his racing thoughts before trying to speak again. When he did he was laughing slightly, looking down at their interlocked hands which were turning red from the cold. “We should really be wearing gloves,” he said quietly.

Connor chuckled and kissed the side of his head, grateful that this hadn’t turned into a full panic attack. He was just a little more high anxiety than normal (or what was their new normal now that he was on working meds and out of his toxic house). It’s just been a long day full of talking to people in unfamiliar spaces. He just needed a break, that’s all.

Connor shoved their hands into his pocket, earning a genuine laugh from Evan and finally breaking that last bit of tension hovering in his brow. Connor kissed his nose and delighted in the way Evan’s whole face scrunched up. “Jesus Christ, you’re so cute.”

Evan smiled at him, but it was interrupted as he shivered suddenly. “Okay, I’m cold now.”

“We can sit in the car,” Connor offered, but Evan shook his head.

“No, I’m okay. Let’s go inside.”

Connor knew it was annoying to ask if he was sure, so instead he just nodded and said “okay” before standing. They went back into the store and Jodie started making their cones while they hung their coats on the rack by door.

Their friends were already in the corner booth, and Jared stood to sit with the girls on the other side because he knew Evan preferred to sit against the wall (because otherwise he might have to get up to let someone out to use the bathroom and then get up again when they come back and he’ll look weird and awkward and fidgety the whole time and make everyone uncomfortable), and also just because sitting beside Evan and Connor was always like a whole other level of third wheeling.

Evan still shoved himself against the wall, which told Connor he probably could have done with a few more minutes outside, and would definitely still prefer to be at home regardless. But he did press his leg against Connor’s and lock their ankles together, so Connor chose to take that as a sign that everything was okay, even if it wasn’t ideal.

He looked up to their friends and instantly felt bad for the thought. It wasn’t that _they_ weren’t ideal. It was just that the situation wasn’t… It was complicated, anyway. Both Evan and Connor were still eternally grateful for Zoe, Jared, and Alana. Regardless of anything else, they were their best friends. Neither one of them could help that they still sometimes made them anxious or paranoid, but the truly wonderful thing about their friends was that they _understood._

Zoe and Jared immediately picked up whatever conversation they had already been having about band with Alana, who may or may not be (but probably was) planning another school event. Connor asked enough questions to be polite, and while they’d still look at Evan to make sure he knew he was a part of this, they never asked him to speak— allowing him to listen contently and focus mostly on eating instead of trying to actively participate when his brain was clearly done with that particular function.

The others probably didn’t think about what they were doing to help in so many words, but that sort of made Connor appreciate it more. It wasn’t calculated or like they censored themselves around Evan. They just knew how to keep his anxiety from spiraling and were willing to do those little things that helped. They were good friends— good people.

And if Connor thought about that too much _he_ might have an anxiety attack. Because he definitely never thought he'd have that in his life. He never thought he’d have _any_ of this.

So even though his boyfriend might be a little anxious at the moment, Connor was still stupidly happy to be there, surrounded by people he loved and who loved him back. Would he go back in time and reschedule this for a time when Evan could be more comfortable and participatory? Obviously. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t still enjoy a less than perfect situation.

“This place is great,” Alana concluded eventually, once all their deserts were finished and they were just sitting there for a few more minutes, wrapping up their conversations. “Thank you guys.” She looked specifically at Connor and Evan.

“Of course, Lana.” Evan gave her a small smile despite clearly being exhausted, and yeah, it was no wonder he was everybody’s favorite. “We’re always here for you when you need to get out of your house.” He shrugged and added, “I get it.”

Alana sighed and looked down to her phone. “Speaking of which… My dads have been blowing up my phone since I left. I probably should get back before they ground me for real this time.”

Connor took that as a signal to stand up, taking his keys out as he did so the rest of them would know it was time to go. They all waved goodbye to Jodie as they grabbed their coats and shuffled out the door.

“Ugh,” Connor said when they walked out to find a light dusting of snow on the car. And it was definitely sticking to the roads.

“You sure you can drive in this?” Jared asked.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Better than any of you can.” He pushed Jared towards the car and the rest of them followed suit. “It’s not even that bad.”

It said a lot about how tired Evan was by the fact that he didn’t look nearly as worried about driving home in the snow as he normally would. He just leaned his head against the door and closed his eyes, and Connor switched the radio station to the most calming one he could think of.

The storm started to pick up though as they got closer to home, and soon Connor was leaning forward with both hands on the wheel, squinting through the windshield.

“This came out of nowhere,” Alana said, tapping away on her phone.

“The radar still isn’t showing past five minutes from now,” Jared confirmed.

“Alright, thanks guys,” Connor snapped. “That’s really helpful.” What really wasn’t helpful is that they were still miles away from town on _winding country roads_ that definitely weren’t on the NYSDOT radar in terms of salt trucks. These roads have probably never ever seen salt.

The car slipped off the road and Evan startled awake, eyes widening when he immediately realized he couldn’t see out the window— which meant neither could Connor. “What’s going on?” he asked, and Connor winced at the rising panic in his voice.

“It’s fine. We’re fine. We’re fine guys, right?”

The others all made unconvincing noises of agreement which Evan didn’t listen to anyway. “Connor, pull over.”

Connor did his level best not to let out the frustrated huff, but didn’t succeed. At least he didn’t roll his eyes. “Evan, if I pull over and the storm continues like this, we will get buried on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.” He was going for calm, but it came out stiff.

“Well, if you keep driving in this we’re going to crash and die.”

He did roll his eyes then. “I am going ten miles a hour, Evan. I have winter tires, anti-lock brakes, and four wheel drive. I know how to drive in the snow. Right now the biggest threat to our lives is you yelling at me.”

Evan’s mouth clicked shut and Connor knew he was in trouble, but he really didn’t have the bandwidth to worry about that right now. He was attempting to keep them all alive while driving down a mountain in a blizzard. 

“Mom and Dad are fighting,” Jared muttered, clearly trying to diffuse the tension, but it didn’t work.

“That’s heteronormative,” Connor snapped, and Jared threw his hands up.

Zoe sighed and leaned forward, showing Evan her phone. “Here, you can watch the GPS,” she said, doing a much better job with her tone than Connor had. “So you’ll know when we’re through the worst of it.”

It was such a good idea, Connor was torn between being eternally grateful for his sister and being a little upset that he didn’t think of it himself. He was the one who was supposed to be taking care of Evan.

But that was irrational, and Connor knew it. He made a mental note to bring it up in therapy and then pushed the thought to the back of his head as he refocused his attention on the road. “Thanks, Zo,” he said shortly, as Evan turned back around in his seat and kept his eyes trained on the little blue dot.

In stoney silence they made it back onto the highway. Connor let out a relieved breath and leaned back to release the tension in his shoulders. “Okay,” he said quietly.

The rest was comparatively easy. Soon enough they were passing into Penfield town lines and turning onto their street. Connor sort of collapsed in on himself as soon as they were parked in the driveway. He rubbed at his eyes, sure he hadn’t blinked in the last two hours. 

“Okay,” he said again. “Alana, there’s no way in hell you’re driving home in this. Tell your dads you’re gonna wait the storm out here.” Alana nodded and didn’t even try to argue as she texted them. “And Jared, you’re not walking home in this either. That’s stupid.”

Jared gave a little mock salute. “Right-O,” he said, and then shoved at Zoe so that they could get out. Alana followed suit as her phone started ringing, but Connor and Evan stayed in their seats.

“Sorry,” they started at the same time, and then both turned to look at each other.

“What— what are you sorry for?” Evan asked, brow pulling together.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

“You were in a stressful situation and I was making it worse.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m allowed to snap at you.” Connor sighed. “It wasn’t your fault that it was snowing and it wasn’t your fault that you were anxious about it.”

“Still,” Evan huffed. “I shouldn’t have immediately assumed that you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Evan, it’s okay. Like you said, it was a stressful situation. And it was completely out of your control. I get it.” They’ve had this conversation a hundred times before. Connor knew that Evan had a thing about control— especially (almost exclusively) in stressful situations.

“Okay. I’m still sorry.”

“Okay. I forgive you. And I’m also still sorry.”

Evan bit back an amused smirk. “I forgive you too.”

“Great.”

“Good.”

Connor chuckled, shaking his head. “We’re gonna get snowed in,” he said, opening his door.

They went inside and could hear the others talking in the kitchen or living room, but they ignored it, heading straight up the stairs and into Connor’s room.

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Evan relaxed. He let out a long breath as his shoulders fell and he straightened his spine properly for the first time in hours. 

Without needing to speak, they shed their clothes and changed into pajamas before crawling into bed and curling up under the covers. Evan pressed back against Connor’s chest, and Connor moved his hand to rest over his boyfriend’s heart. Evan reached up to hold him there.

He felt Evan fall asleep after only a few minutes, his usually fast breaths slowing down and evening out. Evan would sometimes take forever to fall asleep when he couldn’t get his head to turn off and his thoughts would race wildly out of control. But Connor was good at quieting all that— at being a safe space for Evan to relax into.

“You feel like home,” Evan had said once. “Or how I think home is supposed to feel, anyway.” And Connor had agreed. Finding Evan had been like coming home. Like he finally found where he belonged— where he fit. When before it was like he was always squeezing too much of himself into small little boxes, until it felt like the walls were constantly caving in on him. But then Evan had just… taken all of him. Connor trusted him with every part of himself. He’d given Evan his whole heart and Evan held onto it like it was special— like _Connor_ was special. And Connor had done the same for him.

There’s people who object to the phrase “made for each other” but Connor thought those people would get it if they ever met them. Evan and him just didn’t make sense without each other. They never had. But now that they were together, it was like their whole world had opened up. Even the people at school had stopped giving them hell, because they weren’t freaks when they were together. They balanced each other out and it was noticeable. Suddenly they had friends and acquaintances, and were capable of communicating with other human beings. Their individual existences made sense again— maybe not _for_ the other, but _with_ the other. They were each other’s missing pieces. That’s why it’d been so hard to function before they found each other. They’d been walking around without a part of themselves.

Connor knew that it was probably better to be whole by yourself, but he’d tried that for nearly 18 years and could never figure it out. Evan had an even worse time. 

It was like… being a clock with a missing gear. Sure, it worked, and it was technically still a clock. But it wasn’t very useful, since the time was usually wrong or stopped altogether. And even when it was working right, you knew it was only a matter of time before it stopped again. You wouldn’t find the gear and refuse to put it in just because the clock could still tick on its own.

To be fair, they probably had a lot of gears missing: the main ones being Therapy and Medication, but even that isn’t enough sometimes. Sometimes you just need a Person. Someone to hold your hand— someone to hold onto.

At that thought, Connor held Evan closer, smiling when Evan hummed contentedly in his sleep. It wasn’t hard for him to fall asleep either after that.

He woke up a few hours later to light knocking on his door. “Yeah?” he called groggily, keeping his voice low and moving slowly so as not to disturb Evan.

The door opened and Jared stood in its frame. “Oh, thank god you’re dressed,” he quipped. “The others sent me for fear you’d be post make-up sex.”

Connor’s face scrunched up. “Make-up?” he repeated in confusion, trying to remember when they had last fought. They didn’t really fight. Fighting implied yelling and crying and other violent actions. He and Evan had vested interest in avoiding that (because they knew that their individual mental health issues would only make it ten times worse), and therefore made a concentrated effort to communicate with each other when something was bothering them. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “My bad. I forgot you two don’t fight. Whatever sex is called when it follows healthy communication.”

Connor rubbed at his eyes as he sat up fully. “Hopefully that’s just called ‘sex’” he replied blandly, and Jared snorted. “But no, we were just sleeping.”

Evan let out a low annoyed noise as he shifted, turning over and throwing an arm over Connor’s legs and burying his face in his hip. “So go away,” he muttered to Jared and Connor laughed, running a hand through his grumpy boyfriend’s hair.

“No can do.” Jared clicked his tongue and shoved a thumb over his shoulder. “I’ve been sent by order of one Mrs. Cynthia Murphy to inform you that dinner is ready.”

Connor squinted at him. “What time is it?”

“Quarter past six, my dude.”

“What the hell are you still doing here?”

Jared motioned to Connor’s curtained window. “The snow won’t let up and therefore your parents won’t let us leave.” He snorted. “Called our parents and everything. Y’know they’re kind of helicopters, right?”

Connor gave him a bored look. “They could be a lot worse. They could be Alana’s dads.”

“Oh yeah,” Jared agreed, eyes widening. “They’re pissed that she came here in the first place. But they at least seemed to realize that the alternative was putting her in a car in the middle of a blizzard or making her walk in it. At least they aren’t cruel, I guess.”

Connor grimaced. “Just crazy.”

Evan pinched his side and Connor jumped, looking down at his boyfriend. “Don’t be mean,” he reprimanded him, eyes still closed. “Also don’t use that word in that context.”

Connor and Jared both rolled their eyes, safe in the knowledge that Evan couldn’t see them. “Fine,” Connor corrected. “They’re protective to the point of possession and borderline psychologically abusive.”

Evan sighed and rolled onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling. “That might be a bit of an overstatement.”

He’d said the same thing when Connor had deemed Heidi neglectful. And yeah, Heidi and Alana’s dads could definitely be a lot worse, but they could also be a lot better.

“We can’t all have Cynthia and Larry Murphy for parents,” Jared said, and Evan snapped and pointed at him without looking over.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Cynthia and Larry Murphy only recently got their shit together.” But Connor didn’t blame them. The same way Evan didn’t blame Heidi. They were just doing their best. There was a difference between intentional and unintentional actions. And Cynthia and Larry never meant to be cruel. They just didn’t know what to do with their depressed son but throw more money at him. And Connor didn’t exactly help his own situation by always refusing to answer whenever they asked what they could do to help… and always being reticent in therapy.

It was okay now though. Things were better.

Evan curled back up in the blankets. “Someone needs to tell Cynthia and Larry Murphy that I’m not coming down for dinner,” he mumbled. “Preferably Jared.”

Jared and Connor shared a look. Then Connor promptly got out of the bed and picked Evan up, throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Evan squealed in protest and flailed his limbs around, but Connor had done this enough times to remain unaffected by his squirming boyfriend. “Connor!” he protested loudly.

Jared cackled and turned on his heel, calling down the stairs to the others, “They’re coming!”

Connor followed him out as Evan continued to insist he be put down and/or brought back to bed. But Connor went all the way to the dining room before finally setting him on his feet.

Evan was huffy and rumpled and _wholly_ annoyed at Connor. But unfortunately for Evan, he looked adorable when he was angry. “You are _the worst,_ ” he hissed.

Connor smirked and leaned down to kiss the frown off of his lips, triumphant when Evan couldn’t help but kiss him back. “Nah, I’m not,” he replied easily.

Evan pouted and pinched his hip.

“Hey! Ow!” Connor laughed.

“That’s what you get!”

Cynthia came in carrying the salad bowl. “Boys, stop that,” she chimed, though she clearly had no idea what they were bickering about. “Go help bring the dishes to the table.”

It was immediately apparent upon entering the kitchen that Cynthia had bent over backwards to make sure Jared could eat a home-cooked meal with them. She usually kept kosher food in the house anyway— even though Evan didn’t technically follow kashrut outside of abstaining from pork and shellfish (though Connor suspected this was easy for him considering Evan rarely ate meat anyway and he always complained about the environmental impacts of the meat industry whenever he did). But Jared’s family was a bit more studious about the foodways.

Her original plan for tonight had been the chicken parmesan Connor taught her to make shortly after meat was reintroduced into the Murphy household, but that had clearly gotten scrapped. It was replaced by the only entree they had from the kosher food store: salmon. 

Connor eyed the fish warily, knowing for a fact that he hasn’t told her anything about the proper way to cook a fish. Also because salmon should definitely be grilled and there’s no way they were on the back deck firing up the grill in this weather. Not to mention the fact that salmon wasn’t even a little bit in season.

“It’s fine,” Zoe said, catching the look. “I supervised.”

Connor glanced up at her. “Did she at least season it this time?” he whispered.

“Yes. It’s fine,” she repeated, shoving the potatoes at him and the rice at Evan. “And if it’s not fine, we all know we’ve suffered through far worse.”

The three of them shuddered at the implied reminder of gluten-free vegan lasagna. They followed Alana (carrying carrots) and Jared (with the broccoli) back into the dining room and finished setting the table.

Dinner was surprisingly edible.

Evan and Larry almost immediately started talking about the environmental impacts of the fishing industry. The rest of them tried to be interested for the first few minutes, but then it just went on and as soon as Evan said the words “habitat degradation” Connor could practically hear the Windows 97 log-out sound go around the table. Meanwhile Larry leaned forward and was nodding along to whatever excellent points Connor was _sure_ Evan was making— if only he could be bothered to make that part of his brain focus long enough to try to understand what he was saying.

But instead he allowed himself to get dragged into the other conversation— the one centering around college… again.

“I’ve sent in like 1,000 applications already,” Jared said. “I was gonna apply ED to NYU, but I missed the deadline so…” He shrugged. “I’m flooding the market. Giving myself the best shot of getting in _somewhere.”_

“I applied to all the Ivies,” Alana said, “and I didn’t do ED either.”

Jared smirked. “Bet— if I get into BU, you’ll go to Harvard and if I get NYU, you’ll do Columbia.”

Alana smirked and held her hand out. “Deal.” They shook on it.

Cynthia smiled indulgently and then turned to her son. “Connor, have you and Evan applied to any colleges yet?”

Connor sighed. “NYU. And we’ve started on the others. The BU app was basically the same; there's just an extra essay. And we still need Dad’s alum letters.”

Larry picked up on that. “Oh right, I have them in my office. Remind me to mail them tomorrow.” Connor nodded. “You two will get into BU easy. With your grades and test scores. And their admissions staff loves personal essays.”

Connor and Evan had the gold mine of personal essays. Diagnosed depression and anxiety, plus hospitalization for suicide attempts, and _still_ they’re finishing at the top of their class. It was definitely suffering porn and borderline exploitation, but that was the American higher education system.

“But NYU is the goal?” Cynthia probed.

“Yep.” Evan confirmed. “Then a year in France while Connor goes to culinary school. And then we’ll come back and hopefully I can get into Columbia’s grad program.”

Alana grinned. “If I stay at Columbia for law school we’ll be together.”

That peaked Larry’s interest. “Oh, what type of law are you hoping to study?”

“Constitutional law,” she answered readily. “After getting my undergrad in international affairs and public policy.”

Larry was thoroughly impressed. “Future president?”

Alana shrugged in a non-committal sort of way. “I’d be fine with supreme court justice.”

Zoe suddenly pointed her fork at her brother. There was still a carrot on the end of it. “Isn't immigrating to Europe, like, difficult?”

He wrinkled his nose at the food she’d just shoved in his face. “I’d have a student visa.”

She rolled her eyes. “Obviously. I meant what about Evan? He wouldn’t be going to school.”

“We’ll get married before we go,” Connor answered easily, shrugging like it wasn’t even a question. “And then he’ll get dependent status.”

Evan made an unimpressed noise. “Well, this has to be the most lackluster proposal of the century,” he said blandly, but he sent Connor a little teasing smirk.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I’ve proposed to you at least sixteen times just this last week.”

Evan tilted his head. “Did I ever say yes?”

“Like half the time,” Connor quipped. “I’d say my chances are looking pretty good.”

That earned laughs from around the table as they moved on to lighter subjects like midterms and Winter Break plans. Connor found himself having an out of body experience again, looking around the table at all these people gathered in one place, actually getting along and talking like they cared about what the other person had to say. Only months ago, he never would have been able to picture himself having something like this.

He reached under the table to take Evan’s hand, and Evan looked over to him curiously. Their eyes met and a moment of understanding passed between them. 

They found each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who vacuumed three times, dusted every surface, sat on the floor with a lint roller for an hour because the vacuum wasn't good enough, reorganized her closet, dresser, and desk, and went through an ENTIRE thing of Clorox wipes but still doesn't feel in control enough? ... AND THEN only managed to write two sentences for the essay that's due in two days? HER NAME RHYMES WITH SHULIET.
> 
> I went to therapy though. And I remembered to eat eventually. That counts for something.
> 
> **Give me love and attention.** I'm shamelessly asking for it this time. Y'know that thing that some people do where they quote things that they liked from the chapter? Do that. I want that. I need it. Please. I'm suffering. And if you haven't sent this series to your friends, do it. Because I need validation to survive, and I sure as heck ain't getting it from my SHAM of a top rated private university that I'm paying way too much for.


	4. January

The Murphys have been skiing with the Harrises since Connor was six years old, and for as long as Connor can remember, he’s dreaded it every single year.

James and Julie  _ (yes, really)  _ Harris were the kind of rich people who made you want to eat glass. Fancy expensive glass with gold trim from Italy that the Harrises spent too much on for you to be eating it. They had an entire staff for their multi-million dollar mansion: maids and cooks and a nanny that was mercilessly fired as soon as their twin sons could be sent to boarding school in Switzerland. That way they wouldn’t have to acknowledge the fact that they’d procreated two massive assholes into existence.

Jacob and Joseph  _ (yes, really)  _ Harris were three years younger than Connor, but their heads were about three times bigger— despite the fact they were truly some of the dumbest people Connor had ever met. Which made sense because their parents were also stuck up and stupid.

Connor just didn’t get it. If nothing else, Connor had always been proud of his parents for being die-hard liberals. Tax brackets did not sway their beliefs that humans should have rights. Which was cool of them. So Connor really didn’t understand why they were friends with the Harrises. 

Well, he did. The Harrises were a remnant from Cynthia’s old life as a daughter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. She’d gone to school with Julie and they had attended many debutante balls together (where Julie met James). Cynthia’s marriage to Larry had actually been a huge scandal at the time (it still kind of was). Nevermind his Harvard degree and flourishing law firm, the Murphys were not a prestigious family. Cynthia had been all but excommunicated, with the exception of James and Julie Harris, who kept in contact. But Connor didn’t think that really justified spending an entire week with them every single winter break.

At least this year it was made better by the fact that Evan was coming.

They were taking separate cars so that the three teenagers wouldn’t have to squeeze together in the back for the six hour drive to Mont Tremblant; Zoe opted to go with their parents as she was planning on stretching out and sleeping the entire way, and the SUV had the bigger backseat.

“The Harrises are flying their private jet in and a car is picking them up,” Connor informed Evan as they were putting their shared suitcase into the trunk. “You’d think they’d offer us a ride, but their friendship extends only so far, y’know. They’d probably send over food and flowers if I died, but they wouldn’t bother attending the funeral.”

Evan frowned. “Can we please not talk about your funeral?” He still had bedhead, half-lidded eyes, and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

“Sorry.” Connor shut the trunk. “I’m not going to be in a good mood this week.”

“Lovely,” Evan deadpanned, already shuffling towards the passenger side door. 

Connor followed him into the car, finding him already taking control of the aux. “Who said you get to pick the music?”

Evan didn’t even look up. “The fact that your parents left an hour ago and now you have to use your phone’s GPS to get us there.” He clicked on a song by The Strokes, apparently deciding to take mercy on Connor and play their shared taste. (Evan’s music was extremely diverse— he had everything on his Spotify: classical piano, opera, showtunes, alt rock, jazz, indie, pop, rap, orchestral, electronic… Basically the only thing he didn’t have a playlist for was country music.)

“How about I set the GPS to take us to an inn in Vermont instead? We’ll tell them we got lost, and we’ll spend the whole week having loud kink—”

“No,” Evan cut him off. He took Connor’s phone and put in the address to the cabin (which, for some reason probably related to anxiety, he had memorized). He clicked the phone into its holder.

_ “Head west on Rosewood Lane, then turn right.” _

“We can’t go. I forgot my compass. There’s no way to know which way is west.”

Evan rolled his eyes and pointed towards the only way they could go without hitting a dead end. “Opposite direction of the sun.”

Connor sighed dramatically and pulled out of the driveway. It was still seven o’clock in the morning and since they haven’t been getting up before noon all winter break, Evan wasn’t ready to deal with Connor’s shit yet. He wasn’t really a morning person to begin with, but it definitely wasn’t helped by the below freezing temperatures and the fact that they didn’t have breakfast since Connor had procrastinated packing until an hour ago.

He yanked the blanket up to his nose and Connor reached over to rub his thigh in apology. He tried to turn the car on before they left so that it would be warm, but there was only so much he could do against this weather. The seat warmers seemed to be doing their jobs at least.

“Do you want to stop at Starbucks and get tea?”

Evan nodded, paused, and then shook his head. “Hot chocolate.”

“Okay.”

“And croissants.”

“Alright.”

“The chocolate ones.”

Connor smirked, remembering a time in August when Evan was protesting eating chocolate for breakfast. Oh, how Connor has corrupted him. “Sounds good, babe.”

He pulled into the chain coffee shop’s drive-thru and got Evan a large peppermint hot chocolate and two croissants because he’s a great boyfriend who goes the extra mile. He got himself a cold brew and a cake pop, which apparently Evan felt the need to object to. “It’s zero degrees outside, Connor,” he said.

Connor glanced at him sideways. “Yeah, so?”

“So why are you getting an iced coffee?”

“Because it’s not zero degrees in this car,” Connor answered, moving forward in the line. “And iced coffee tastes better. And is harder to make at home. I’m not gonna spend $6 on hot coffee that I could make at home.”

“You have a black card,” Evan replied blandly.

“I don’t understand why you’re attacking me right now.” They pulled up to the window and Connor handed over the black card in question.

“You also just got cake for breakfast.”

“Okay,” Connor accepted their food from the cashier. “A cake pop is not any less dessert-like than a chocolate croissant.”

“Croissants are breakfast foods!”

“Says who?” Connor shot back as he took their drinks from the now highly-amused employee.

“Society, Connor. We live in one.”

Connor rolled his eyes and shot the cashier a look that earned him a smile before he drove off. “Okay, Ev. Eat your breakfast and stop judging mine.”

He poked the bottom half of his head and one hand out from his blanket cocoon to do exactly that, sipping his hot drink cautiously. He hissed as he scalded his tongue.

“See,” Connor said, taking a pointed drink from his straw. “That wouldn’t happen if it was iced.”

Evan shot him a dirty look. “There’s no such thing as iced hot chocolate.”

“Uh, yeah there is. It’s called chocolate milk.”

He wrinkled his nose. “Ew.”

Connor’s brows went up. “I’m sorry, what?”

Evan wasn’t backing down. “You heard me.”

“Evan Hansen, are you trying to tell me you don’t like chocolate milk?”

He was fully glaring at Connor at this point. “I do not like chocolate milk,” he said firmly.

Connor pressed his lips together, wishing he didn’t have to keep his eyes on the road. “But you do like hot chocolate?” he clarified.

“That is correct.”

Connor was in utter disbelief. “Evan, baby, you realize that makes zero fucking sense, right?”

Evan‘s arms flew out from his blanket so that he could gesture his frustration. “I just don’t like sitting around drinking cold milk, okay?”

“But…” Connor shook his head, feeling like he was losing his entire mind. “You get iced tea lattes all the time.”

“That’s different.”

“How is that different?”

“There’s tea.”

“There’s chocolate!”

“That’s not enough!”

An incredulous laugh burst out of Connor at that. Jesus Christ, his boyfriend is  _ so fucking weird.  _ “I love you so much,” he said, because there was really nothing more to say than that. Evan doesn’t like chocolate milk and somehow that has made Connor love him even more. Literally everything this boy said and did made Connor love him more.

Evan just pursed his lips. He pulled his legs into the seat to sit lotus style, situating the blanket around his lap instead of his whole body. He took another sip of his hot chocolate and hissed again at the burn. Connor shook his head and accepted that he’d be hearing that noise every few seconds for at least the next five minutes.

The drive to Canada actually wasn’t that bad. The thing about living around Rochester is that you forget that the rest of Upstate New York is actually kind of beautiful. Once Evan had enough sugar in his system, he started taking pictures of the scenery, expertly cropping out I90 and frequently including Connor in the shot.

They stopped once they finally got through border security on Hill Island. The Murphys hadn’t stopped at the Tower in years, but Connor figured they could be tourist-y for a bit. This is the first time Evan has ever left New York, afterall. They took all the appropriate cheesey photos at the top of the tower and got ice cream before getting back in the car and going over Thousand Islands Bridge.

Evan looked out over the water and caught sight of a few determined sailors braving the winter winds. “I’d like to learn to sail,” he said absently.

Connor glanced over to him. “Really?”

Evan shrugged. “Yeah. It’s always looked cool to me. It was one of the things I really wanted to learn when I was in scouts before I had to quit.”

Connor’s heart stung at the reminder. “Huh,” he let out. “Y’know my dad knows how to sail?”

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah, he grew up on the Boston Harbor. His dad worked on the docks.”

“Wait, really? I always thought your parents came from money.”

“Mom did, Dad didn’t,” Connor explained. “Mom came from  _ old  _ money. That’s why she’s always running around looking for shit to do. She was raised to be a high society wife, which is basically like, constant event planning for their husbands’ businesses and their weird exclusive rich people clubs and blah blah blah— Anyway, not exactly something Dad has to do as an environmental attorney. Hence the, y’know, random bouts of buddhism.”

“Your sister always made it sound like all rich house wives are like that.”

“Well,” Connor tilted his head. “They kind of are? You’ll see with Julie. There’s a difference between old money and new money. It’s different kinds of crazy.”

Evan snorted. “Still better than being poor.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Five months ago, Connor would have argued that to the death. As far as he was concerned, rich parents had even less to do with their kids and they were all even more unhappy because they couldn’t buy each other’s love. He’ll still die on the hill that says money doesn’t make you happy, but he’ll admit that it does make being happy a hell of a lot easier when you’re not worried about medical bills and rent and where your next meal is coming from.

They stopped again in Ottawa even though they were in the home stretch because it had been hours since they’d eaten. Connor reluctantly admitted that a single cake pop and half a chocolate croissant was not a sustainable breakfast option, and Evan was acting like that meant he won even though that had nothing to do with their disagreement.

They found a diner and had to know if Canadian diners were different from American ones. It turned out they weren’t except for: “What the hell is a poutine?” Evan asked.

“French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds,” Connor answered.

Evan wrinkled his nose. “Ew.”

“I’m getting it.”

“Of course you are.”

It turned out it was really good.

They got into Mont Tremblant shortly thereafter, driving past all the ski lodges until they came to a secluded picturesque cabin (though it would be better described as a wooden mansion) situated so that it had a perfect view of the snow covered mountains and the town below them.

“WE’RE HERE!” Connor shouted at the top of his lungs as soon as he opened the door. Evan startled and punched his arm.

Cynthia appeared in an instant. “The Harrises aren't here yet,” she informed him, looking bored.

“Damn,” Connor snapped his fingers sarcastically. “I love it when they make passive aggressive comments about how loud I am.” When he was little they were constantly complaining about how he was such a ‘loud child.’ His ADHD kept him from being able to control his volume, especially at that age, so he’d just learned to keep his mouth shut.

“Play nice,” she admonished. “Go put your things in your room.”

Evan let Connor haul their massive suitcase up two flights of stairs by himself. Connor assumed this was punishment for yelling. Or just Evan being a princess because he’d been stuck in a car for seven hours after not getting enough sleep the night before. He was very high maintenance, actually. Connor sort of loved it.

He tackled Evan to the king sized bed, laughing as Evan squeaked and let out a surprised and slightly distressed “Connor!”

Connor pinned him to the bed and kissed him. “What?”

Evan did his level best to appear annoyed, but he couldn’t hide his amused smirk. “You’re the worst,” he said, but he was laughing.

“Nah, you’re just grumpy.” Connor kissed him again. “Wanna take a nap?”

Evan looked conflicted. “Won’t your mom be upset if we’re asleep when her friends get here?”

Connor glanced to the clock on the bedside table. “The Harrises never travel before noon. I’d say we have about two hours before they get here.”

Evan bit his lip and wiggled slightly underneath Connor, probably processing for the first time just how comfortable this bed was. “Alright,” he agreed, giving in. “But set an alarm.”

“Will do.” Connor kissed him again before rolling away and finding his phone. He set a vibrating alarm and shoved it in his back pocket so that it would only wake him and not Evan. Because Connor had learned that Evan was always  _ super grumpy  _ when he got woken up via alarm. It was better for everyone if Connor found less abrupt ways to wake him up. He’s not exactly sure if Evan has caught on yet.

They kicked their shoes off and didn’t bother pulling the covers down (the duvet felt like sleeping on a cloud anyway). There was a whole big bed for them to use, but they curled up together in the center, taking up as little space as possible as they pressed into one another, Evan’s back against Connor’s front.

Connor kissed his shoulder. “Love you, Ev.”

Evan scooted further into him and held onto his arm, letting out a small contented hum. “Love you too.”

Connor woke up exactly two hours later to his phone vibrating and quickly reached back to shut it off. He let out a long breath and revelled in the feeling of having his beautiful sleeping boyfriend in his arms before waking him. Then he leaned forward and kissed the side of his neck, licking and sucking gently at his pulse point.

Evan let out a small “mm” and twisted so that he was facing Connor, though he was still clearly asleep. Connor took the opportunity to kiss his lips, gently parting them and running his tongue along his bottom lip until Evan’s own tongue jutted out. Connor closed his mouth and kissed him firmly until Evan’s eyes fluttered open with another small hum.

Their eyes met as Connor pulled back. Evan looked entirely too spaced out to not still be half in dreamland. His brow furrowed as he started to process that he was awake. He huffed and tucked himself into Connor’s chest.

Connor chuckled and squeezed his hip. “We gotta get up,” he whispered.

“No,” Evan replied simply, snuggling in deeper.

Connor sighed and pulled away from him just slightly — though the move received a loud whine of disapproval from Evan. “No, come back!” he cried, wrapping his hand into his hoodie and yanking him back.

Connor rolled his eyes and kissed him again, earning another pleased sound. He pushed Evan backwards until he could crawl on top of him and then deepened the kiss. He waited until Evan was very into it before pulling back, smirking in triumph when Evan chased his lips on impulse. He quickly wrapped his arm around his back so that he couldn’t lie back down and was therefore forced to sit up.

Evan’s face scrunched up as he realized what had happened. “You’re evil,” he mumbled into the kiss.

“It’s this or an alarm,” Connor shot back.

He managed to drag Evan the rest of the way up and then they did their best to look like they hadn’t just rolled out of bed. Evan dug his comb out of the bag and forced his curls into submission, but Connor wrote his own hair off as a bad job and shoved it up into a bun.

When they got downstairs, Cynthia was already waiting at the bottom, looking like she’d been on her way to find them. “Oh good, you’re up,” she said. “The Harrises just arrived. We’re in the living room.”

James and Julie stood as they entered. “Ah, Connor!” James said. “Nice of you to finally join us.”

The passive aggression dripped off of this man. The only thing that kept Connor from rolling his eyes was the fact that the action would reaffirm James’s already low opinion of him. So instead he put on his best impression of a well-trained trust fund baby and held his hand out. “Nice to see you again, James.”

The man’s brows shot into his receding hairline and Connor had to bite back a triumphant smirk. To be at least a little fair to James, the last time Connor saw him he’d told the older gentleman to go fuck himself. So it was probably quite the turnaround from his perspective.

“And you, Julie,” he added, taking her hand as well. “I hope you’re doing well? Mom told me your sister had been sick earlier this year?”

He caught his dad’s eye over their shoulder and Larry shook his head as he worked to keep his laughter silent.

Julie’s mouth was hung open slightly. “Well, yes, how sweet of you to ask, Connor. She’s doing much better now. Full recovery.”

Connor plastered on a pleased smile. “I’m glad to hear it.” Zoe looked like she was about to pass out from shock, so he sent her a wink when James and Julie weren’t looking.

Behind Connor, Cynthia had looped her arm through Evan’s and they both appeared to be holding each other up. She snapped out of it in order to introduce him. “James, Julie, I don’t believe you’ve met Evan?”

“No, I don’t believe we have,” James replied, and Connor actually did roll his eyes that time since the attention was no longer on him. Obviously they hadn’t. It was so stupid that it would somehow be considered rude to acknowledge that outright.

Evan shook both of their hands. “It’s nice to meet you,” he stuttered out quietly, and Connor winced in sympathy as he watched his boyfriend wipe his (probably-dry) hands on his pants. He moved to stand beside him, and Evan relaxed with the proximity, surreptitiously shifting so that their arms touched.

“Our apologies that we don’t have a room for you, Evan,” Julie said, and Evan tilted his head, brow furrowing as she went on. “This is of course a seven bedroom house, but we’ve converted the first floor suite to living quarters for our housekeeper, so we’re down to six.” The Harrises employed a maid to live in and clean the house year round, despite the fact that they were only there once a year. Connor thought she had a pretty sweet deal, he’d told Evan so on the drive up. “There’s a spare mattress in the basement. It should fit just fine in Connor’s usual room. We can have Abigail bring it up.”

Abigail was sixty-seven years old. She couldn’t haul a mattress up three flights of stairs if her life depended on it— and it would.

“Oh, that’s— that’s okay. I’m fine without the spare mattress.” Evan shifted his weight awkwardly.

“Oh, nonsense!” James exclaimed. “Where will you sleep? On the floor?” He said this like teenagers didn’t regularly sleep on other people’s floors.

Evan looked desperately between Connor, Cynthia, and Larry. Connor wanted to help but this is also the first he’s realizing that the Harrises don’t know of their relationship status, and his parents looked just as perplexed by this development, so apparently some wires got crossed at some point.

“The boys can share a bed,” Larry said carefully, no longer laughing. His shoulders were tensing in the same way Connor’s do when he’s getting defensive. Though on Larry it was more subtle.

“It is a king-sized bed,” Zoe added with a forced laugh, attempting to diffuse the situation.

“They’ll be okay, really,” Cynthia assured them. Her and Julie looked like they were having a conversation with their eyes.

“Two men—” James started, but Julie cut him off by gently resting a hand on his arm.

“It’s up to you boys,” she said to Evan and Connor, and she was the one with the plastered on smile now. “If you’re sure you’ll be alright.”

They both just nodded silently, too afraid to speak and say the wrong thing— shattering the thin piece of glass they were all standing on.

Larry looked like he was fuming. He opened his mouth to say something, but then Zoe was squeezing his arm and shaking her head, and he clenched his jaw along with his fists.

Connor knew he needed to be the next one to speak in order to assure his dad he didn’t need to go to war over this. “So where are Jacob and Joseph?” he asked mildly, back in high-society mode. Though he could feel Evan turning into a bundle of nerves beside him.

“Oh, they were in Brazil to escape the cold weather so they took the other jet,” Julie explained as she led them all to sit down again. “They were with friends...”

_ The other jet. Jesus fucking Christ. I hope this isn’t how Evan felt when he met me.  _ Instead of taking a seat, Connor surreptitiously guided Evan out of the room as Julie continued speaking. “That’s it. That’s all we had to do,” he whispered.

Evan nodded way too much to be casual, sucking in a desperate breath that sounded like it might have been his first in a while. “I didn’t know— I— I—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Connor assured him, pulling him around so that they were face to face. “I didn’t know either. But we got through it, right? Nothing bad happened. Everything’s okay.”

Evan nodded some more and Connor spotted tears on his lashes. The sight made him want to march back in there and punch the Harrises in their stupid ignorant faces. He’s pretty sure his dad would help him out. 

He took a few calming breaths of his own. “Just think of it like being around your mom,” he said. “We pretend to be straight best friends around her all the time.” Connor hated thinking about that, and since Evan spent less and less time there he usually didn’t have to anymore, but at least the comparison was coming in handy now.

“I just wasn’t expecting…”

“I know, me neither.” Connor rubbed his arms. “It’s just a week and we’re hardly ever gonna see them, I promise. I’m an expert at avoiding the Harrises.”

“Yeah?” Evan asked.

“Yes.”

Evan glanced warily towards the living room where they could just hear the suffocatingly-polite conversation about nothing. “Do we have to go back in there?”

“Nope,” Connor popped the ‘p.’ “I’m technically playing host to you so therefore we get more freedom than Zoe. They’ll tell them we just got here and I’m giving you the tour. Or that we’re ‘freshening up’ or something. That’s something that rich people do after they travel.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “He says as if he isn’t rich.” His mood was brightening back up now that they were alone. A smile tugged at his lips in that way that made Connor feel like he was drowning-in-a-good-way. “Does ‘freshening up’ include showering?”

Recently, Evan has started taking showers to calm down. It was something Dr. Sherman recommended and was apparently a pretty common coping mechanism, since hot water relaxes muscle tension and being clean is known to reduce anxiety. It was also a pretty good habit to have, if you’re someone who sometimes has can’t-leave-bed bad days. If he’s already used to showering when feeling anxious, it makes doing it on the really bad days easier.

(Connor had a feeling that Dr. Sherman also had in mind the other thing that teenage boys do in the shower that might work as a stress reliever, but he would never say that— Evan would either explode right on the spot, or else cancel all future appointments and quit therapy all together.)

So they went back up to the third floor and Connor was prepared to just scroll through Twitter while Evan showered, but Evan was tugging him towards their en-suite with a sly smile. “You’ve traveled today too,” he said cheekily as he turned on the water. “I think you might need to  _ freshen up.” _

Connor grinned and undressed quickly, pulling Evan with him under the spray as soon as their underwear hit the floor. He pressed himself against Evan’s back, running his hands down his arms as he lapped at his neck. Evan let out a contented hum and tilted his head in response, giving Connor better access.

His lips abandoned their station only so that he could knead at the tight muscle in Evan’s shoulders, keyed up from their brief conversation with the Harrises. Evan moaned as Connor dug his thumbs in.

“That feel good?” he asked, and Evan nodded. Connor moved downwards, slowly loosening the tension Evan kept around his spine. “I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered. “I’m gonna make it up to you. I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

Evan leaned back into his hands, resting his head on Connor’s chest. “I love you,” he mumbled, still making small pleased noises as Connor worked the knots out of him.

Connor reached out to grab the soap, pouring some into his hands and then continuing on the same path down Evan’s body that he’d just completed, but adding his chest and stomach into the mix this time. He tweaked Evan’s nipples and Evan moaned, moving his hips back to grind his ass against Connor’s hardening cock.

Connor chuckled and kissed his neck again. He trailed his hands down lower and Evan whimpered when his fingers just barely brushed against his aching member. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, taking him in hand, and Evan gasped as Connor started jacking him slowly, giving his cock the same attention as his muscles.

Evan bucked into his hand and Connor used his free hand to knead Evan’s ass. He pushed a thumb between his cheeks and squeezed. “Gonna eat you out later,” he whispered in his ear, and Evan moaned. “Gonna worship your perfect ass with my mouth until you come.”

Evan whined needily and pushed back against him, seeking out Connor’s cock. “Want you inside me,” he said. “Wanna feel you. Wanna be yours.”

Connor growled and nipped at his neck. “You’re all mine, baby. I’ll take you.” He increased the pressure and speed around Evan’s cock, eliciting a small shout from him. “Can you come for me, baby?” Connor asked, low in his chest, and that’s all it took. Evan came undone, coming in his hand, hitting his stomach and the shower tile. “Good boy,” Connor praised as he worked him through it, and Evan mewled. “You did so good. You’re so good for me.”

He was leaning heavily against Connor now, so Connor made quick work of cleaning him up, using more soap and maneuvering Evan’s now very pliable body around to get him where he needed him. He washed Evan’s hair as well, and forewent his own shower routine (he’d already bathed that morning) in favor of getting Evan out of there and wrapped in a warm towel.

“Mm, you’re so good to me,” Evan said as Connor used one of the microfiber towels they’d gotten for Christmas/Hanukkah to dry their hair.

Connor chuckled, leading him into their room. “Yes, we’re both very good for each other.”

“But you’re like really good,” Evan continued to babble as Connor found the old t-shirt of his that Evan preferred to sleep in and shoved it over his head. Evan was thankfully capable of getting his own arms through, though he looked a bit like he was moving noodles around. Connor handed him a pair of underwear and sweatpants; he put those on himself as well with a similar vibe. Connor guided him to sit on the bed before he fell over on his noodle-legs.

Deeming his boyfriend safe, he went to their bag to find his own clothes, letting the towel around his waist drop. He heard Evan make a noise behind him and turned with a raised brow.

“You’re still hard,” Evan said.

That wasn’t exactly true. His erection had dwindled since Evan turned into barely-responsive mush. But the poor thing was still a little hopeful for what Connor’s head-brain had already decided it wasn’t interested in getting right now. “You’ve seen me hard,” he replied blandly, finding underwear and putting them on. “This is not hard. This is ‘I just watched my extremely hot boyfriend come in my arms and it was incredibly erotic, but I have no plans on coming myself right now.’” He put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and turned back to him.

Evan pouted. “But what if I want to see  _ my  _ extremely hot boyfriend come?”

“You have before and you will again.” Connor kissed him as he sat down. “But this is one of those times that your mind disappears post-orgasm, and I prefer when you’re an active participant… Also I didn’t go into that expecting to come. I just wanted to make you feel good.”

Evan was fighting a smile. “You’re so good to me,” he repeated, shaking his head and leaning up to kiss him.

Connor hummed against his lips, and then pulled him more fully into the bed, situating them back against the covers. “Part two of apologizing for you having to deal with my mother’s homophobic friends,” he said. “Lots of cuddling.”

Evan giggled against his chest, scooting in as Connor wrapped a firm arm around him. “I think you might be getting something out of this apology too.”

“Well, I have to deal with them too,” Connor quipped, squeezing his hip. He found their phones amongst the sheets and handed Evan his.

A few hours later there was a light knocking on their door. They were both already sitting up at that point, Connor still on his phone while Evan was on his computer.

“Come in?” Connor called, assuming that it had to be one of his family members.

Larry poked his head in. “Hey,” he said, opening the door fully and then just sort of hovering there.

“Hey,” Connor parroted, and Evan shut his laptop, probably sensing that they were about to have a Conversation. Capital C.

“So we definitely  _ told  _ them that Evan doesn’t eat shellfish, but apparently that memo got ‘lost in the shuffle,’” he rolled his eyes, “because there’s forty pounds of oysters downstairs.”

“Nice,” Connor replied sarcastically. “Not the only memo that got ‘lost in the shuffle.’”

“Apparently,” Larry agreed with a sigh as he came the rest of the way into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “You handled that really well. I’m proud of you, but I’m also mad you had to deal with it at all.”

Will Connor ever get used to his father openly acknowledging his progress and saying that he’s proud of him? Hopefully maybe one day. He managed to not have any outward signs of surprise nowadays, at least. “Thanks,” he said. “It’s not your fault.”

Larry was a little less good at disguising his own surprise, but Connor was hardly going to blame him for that either. He’d spent years blaming his father for everything, Larry had earned the right to experience a small shock when the reaction he’d become accustomed to was no longer commonplace.

“Your mother seems content to keep the peace, but if you two don’t feel comfortable with that, I’ll go down there right now and tell them where they can shove their—”

“Dad,” Connor interrupted. “It’s fine. We don’t need their approval.”

Larry looked between him and Evan. “You’re sure?”

Evan nodded, “Definitely.” He twisted his hands around. “I’d much rather pretend to be straight than deal with the drama. It’s one week and I don’t even know them.” He shrugged.

“Okay,” Larry blew out a long breath with the word, probably letting go of the tension he’d been building in the last few hours socializing with the Harrises. “Let me know if that changes.”

Evan shifted his weight a bit awkwardly. “Um… and I mean maybe my priorities are, uh, weird, or whatever. But I won’t pretend to be Christian? Or like… not Jewish? I’m not gonna— I can’t—”

Connor grabbed his hand. “No one’s asking you too, Ev. I promise we aren’t going to let anyone force feed you bacon and oysters.”

Evan nodded quickly, biting his lip. “Yeah, no, I figured. I’ve just. I’ve been in situations before, y’know, where I felt  _ pressured _ because there wasn’t anything else to eat and people kept trying to tell me it was fine and like  _ quiz me _ on Leviticus and—”

Connor looked to his father desperately and Larry snapped out of his concern. (He wasn’t as used to Evan’s random bouts of anxiety as Connor was.) “I already got you out of dinner,” he assured Evan. “It helped that their sons didn’t show up for their flight today and won’t be here until tomorrow now— maybe,” he added blandly. “So you two can go into town and find somewhere Harris-and-Oyster-Free to eat tonight.”

Connor wrinkled his nose. He just drove for seven hours. The last thing he wanted to do was get back in the car. “Can we order pizza instead?”

It was obvious that however Larry had gotten them out of it, delivery did not fall under whatever point had won him the (no doubt passive aggressive) argument. But he must have still felt bad about the whole shoving-them-in-the-closet thing because after a beat he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll handle it. Go ahead and call them.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

He nodded and left and Connor pulled Evan into his side, kissing the top of his head. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He played absently with the hem of Connor’s shirt. “Sorry I got so weird about that. I know it’s dumb—”

“Hey, no it isn’t,” Connor cut off his self-deprecation. “It’s important to you so it’s important to me. Do you want me to convert to Judaism? I’ll do it right now.” Connor’s not exactly sure if that’s true though. He had a pretty strained relationship with Jesus Christ (and the concept of religion in general), but he did  _ have one.  _ Which counted for something… for some reason. He couldn’t articulate it. Religious beliefs are just weird, and he understood why Evan got weird about it. 

He laughed in exasperated amusement. “I wouldn’t ask that of you.”

And it was weird that Evan’s reassurance that he wouldn’t have to was what made Connor suddenly sure that he would. He’d do anything for Evan.

“Speaking of it though,” he said. “How fucking ironic is it that the homophobes are the ones quizzing you on Leviticus?”

“Right?” Evan rolled his eyes. “The original Hebrew doesn’t even say ‘man with man’ it says ‘man with male’— as in pederasty.”

Connor’s brow furrowed. Learning Hebrew and Yiddish were on his list of things to do, but he’s been a bit too busy lately to add any more languages to his repertoire. “What?”

Evan sighed. “The explanation is long. But basically ‘man’ in Hebrew is  _ ‘ish’  _ and male is  _ ‘zachar.’ _ If it was meant to say that men shouldn’t have sex with each other, it would have said ‘ish with ish’ not ‘ish with zachar.’”

“But does ‘zachar’ mean ‘boy’?”

Evan shook his head. “No. But in Greek law, males could not be called ‘men’ before they were legal. They were referred to just as males— not boys. And pederasty was a distinctly Greek practice, so it was probably a specific call out of the Greeks.” He was tracing random patterns on Connor’s stomach now as he spoke somewhat absently. Connor could tell this was an argument he’s constructed in his head and told himself many times, but has never actually said out loud. “Most of Leviticus after all the sex stuff is just food rules against commensality with gentiles— specifically the Greeks. You know what the Greeks favorite foods were?”

“Pork and shellfish?” Connor hazarded a guess.

“Bingo.” He shrugged. “Well, shellfish and lamb. Lamb is okay to eat but it has to be ritualistically sacrificed and… Y’know the more I talk about this the more ridiculous I feel for not eating pork and shellfish. I mean, it’s not like I keep up with the rest of kashrut. And rationally I know that it’s all just political bullshit sold under the name of God so that people would listen out of fear of eternal damnation. But here I am: fearing eternal damnation via oyster.”

They’ve had versions of this conversation before. “I thought you said it’s less of a fear thing and more of a cultural thing. You’ve never eaten it so it would feel weird and wrong to eat it now, right?”

Evan rested his hand flat against Connor’s stomach. “Yeah,” he agreed absently.

“And it’s not ridiculous either way. Religious beliefs just be like that. I mean, I technically believe in immaculate conception. How lame is that?” That earned a small snort from Evan and Connor grinned in triumph. “Religion is just a fancy word for book club, actually. We all just sit around and try to interpret someone else’s words, except we’ve for some reason decided it’s a matter of eternal life-or-death”

“Well, when you put it like that…” Evan sighed. “I hate this. Let’s get pizza.”

Connor picked up his phone dutifully. “What toppings do you want? Bacon and shrimp?” 

Evan pinched his side. “You’re not funny.”

“Then why are you laughing?” Connor shot back easily, selecting the pizza place he’s always used over the years when he was here alone while everyone else went skiing. He opened the online ordering system and got their usual.

About an hour later there was another knock on their door, followed by a polite, “Mr. Murphy?” Connor’s brow furrowed as he stood up to get the door this time, Evan trailing along behind him.

Abigail was on the other side, holding their pizza box in one hand and a plastic container of something in the other. “Your pizza arrived,” she said, handing Connor the box. “The delivery boy said to thank you for your generous tip.”

Connor flushed as he took the pizza. “Oh, thank you. You didn’t have to bring it up here. We could have come down…” It was obvious Connor had no idea how he was supposed to talk to maids.

Abigail smiled sweetly though. “It’s no problem.” Then she turned to Evan. “I heard them saying that you couldn’t eat dinner with them tonight because you are keeping kosher,” she said, and held out the container, “I made you some matzo ball soup.”

Evan looked like he was going to cry as he accepted the soup.  _ “Toda,” _ he whispered.

She nodded,  _ “Bevakasha.” _ There seemed to be a moment of understanding that passed between them. “I will leave you boys to your dinner,” she said. “Let me know if you need anything.” Then she was gone. Like a jewish fairy godmother, blessing them with pizza and matzo and flying away.

Evan turned to Connor, looking up at him with watery eyes as he clutched the container. “She brought me soup.”

Connor shook his head fondly and guided them back to the bed to eat. He took his phone out to text Zoe because he knew she hates oysters.

**Connor:** _ i’ll save you some pizza _

**Zoe:** _ thank fuck _

**Connor:** _ loll come up when you can escape _

**Zoe:** _ not to be insensitive about all the bs that just happened but ur so lucky rn _

**Connor:** _ pros and cons for sure _

**Zoe:** _ james said “they could at least eat at the table the boy isn’t allergic” and i thought dad was gonna punch him in the face _

**Zoe:** _ oh shit busted gtg _

She showed up two hours later. “I tried to smuggle you out dessert but I got caught,” she said as she entered. “But we have Twizzlers leftover from the car ride.” She tossed the candy in question onto the bed and Connor picked it up.

“I prefer Red Vines.”

Zoe smirked. “I know.”

Evan took a Twizzler. “How was dinner?”

“Ugh, fuck the Harrises, honestly.” She rolled her eyes as she grabbed the pizza box Connor handed her. “You can smell the classism from a mile away.” She took a bite of the pizza and her eyes rolled back. “Oh thank god,” she spoke with her mouth full. “Are you two going skiing with us tomorrow?”

“Well you know I’m not,” Connor said, “and—”

“And there’s no way in hell I’m strapping myself to two pieces of wood and flinging myself down an ice mountain,” Evan finished.

“Aw, come on,” Zoe nudged his foot. “Have you ever tried it?”

“Yes,” Evan surprised both of the Murphys. “I visited my dad in Colorado once for Hanukkah and he made me do it. Never happening again.”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “That bad?”

“It’s a miracle that I’m alive,” Evan replied. It was an expression that people use all the time, but Connor still squirmed, a shiver running up his back at the reminder that it really  _ is  _ a miracle that Evan’s alive— for reasons completely unrelated to skiing.

Zoe either didn’t notice her brother’s sudden discomfort or was really good at pretending not to. “You could go to Montreal,” she suggested. “Finally put Connor’s French to the test.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “We’re in Quebec. We don’t have to drive to Montreal to speak French.”

“Yeah, but most people here are tourists,” Zoe waved him off, and Connor couldn’t exactly argue with that.

“We’re playing this week by ear,” Evan said. “Our main goal is to just avoid the Harrises at all costs.”

Zoe held her pizza slice up like she was toasting. “Amen.”

_ Operation: Ski-pping _ turned out to be pretty easy when no one even bothered to wake them for breakfast. Which was fine because apparently they ate breakfast at six o’clock in the morning before heading to the slopes, and Connor and Evan didn’t roll out of the bed until ten. 

Abigail offered to make them more food but Connor declined, breaking out the waffle iron himself. He made belgian waffles for the three of them, and then the boys bundled up and headed out in pursuit of the ice skating rink in town which Connor used to frequent in his ski-pping adventures as a child.

“I can’t believe you know how to ice skate too,” Evan said as they approached the rink. “Actually, y’know what, no I’m not.”

Connor smirked. “No?”

“You’re a hobby enthusiast,” Evan said dryly.

He barked out a surprised laugh, unable to argue with that. He’s even started running recently too. Which, wonder of wonders, really. Dr. Reeves had recommended it, and he's trying out this new thing where he actually listens to his therapist. And it turned out he loved running. Who would’ve guessed? (Evan. Evan guessed. Evan is the one who made him do it.)

They sat down on a bench to put their skates on and Evan wobbled on the blades as he stood, having to lurch forward and grab Connor’s arm. He glared up at him. “How is this any less dangerous than skiing?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You’ll be fine,” he said, and guided him towards the rink, holding most of Evan’s weight on his arm since Evan was too afraid to put it on his legs.

He glided onto the ice and turned back around to see Evan still standing at the edge, eyeing the ice warily. He skated back to him and leant casually against the edge. 

“This is a terrible idea,” Evan hissed.

“C’mon, take my hand,” Connor said, holding it out, and Evan continued to glare at him but he took his hand anyway and stepped out.

He immediately slipped, but Connor caught him before he could go down. Evan yelped and scrambled to find purchase on Connor’s shoulders. He ended up colliding into his chest and Connor had to fight to keep them both standing. On pure dumb luck, Evan brought his feet together and stopped moving before they could fall. 

Connor huffed once they were steady. Evan had his arms wrapped around Connor’s waist and his face buried in his coat. 

“There’s a completely stable wall right next to us, but no, you try to bring me down with you.”

Evan grumbled something that might have been whatever the innocent equivalent to “fuck you” is, and Connor laughed. He tried to pull back, but Evan screamed in protest.

“No,” Connor said, which wasn’t something he said to Evan often. Which was obvious by the face Evan pulled at the word. Connor took his hands and put distance back between them. “Just, trust me, okay?”

Evan looked like he wanted to whine about it some more, but he took a deep breath instead and nodded. Connor glided forward just enough to kiss him quickly, then he backed up again, though he kept a tight hold of his hands.

“Okay, bend your knees,” he said, and smirked when Evan gave him a disbelieving look. “Just like…” Connor demonstrated by bending his own knees just slightly. “Not a lot. It helps you keep your balance.”

Evan pursed his lips but did as he was told anyway, raising his brows at him in indication that he was waiting for further instruction.

“Now…” Connor started skating backwards, taking Evan with him, and Evan yelped as they were suddenly moving. “Try to keep your ankles straight, and just shift your weight from one side to the other— like you’re wobbling.”

He looked to his feet, biting his lip as he tried to follow.

“Chin up,” Connor admonished. “Look at me.” He waited until he saw the green of his boyfriend’s eyes. “Again for balance.”

Evan nodded and it was obvious he didn’t trust himself to speak yet. He was actually skating for himself now though. Connor could have let go of his hands, but (a) he didn’t want to and (b) Evan would probably panic and fall.

“Remember to breathe also, babe,” he added as an afterthought, remembering that Evan did actually forget that sometimes— especially when he was focused too intently on something. His suspicions were confirmed when Evan gasped for air.

He was slowly getting more confident in his movements— to the point that Connor was having to speed up his own skating to keep Evan from running into him. “Alright,” he said, guiding Evan’s hands out to his sides for more balance and then letting go. Evan’s eyes widened as Connor got further away and he kept moving. “See! You can do it!”

“I’m gonna fall!” Evan shouted back, and his voice was going scratchy which was not a good sign.

Connor stopped himself and Evan immediately skated into him again, but Connor couldn’t catch him this time and they both fell hard on their asses.

“Ow,” Connor muttered. “Guess I should have told you how to stop.”

Evan huffed and looked around. He started to try and stand up, but his feet slipped out from under him. “Oh my god,” he complained.

Connor grinned. “Your ass has been through worse.” He couldn’t let the opportunity pass him by, even if it did get him another glare. He laughed unrepentantly. “Just, get on your hands and knees.”

Evan drew his chin back. “Excuse me?” he hissed.

Connor snorted as he heard how that sounded and let out a loud chuckle again. “No! No, I mean…” he continued laughing as he did as he said, and then brought one knee up so that he was kneeling. He put his hands on his thigh and used the leverage to pull himself back to standing. He looked down at Evan with an amused smirk.

“Oh.” He copied the movements and then grabbed Connor’s forearms. “Don’t leave me again,” he warned.

“Sorry.” Connor kissed him. “You were just doing so well.” 

Evan flushed. “At least warn me next time so I can tell you no.”

Connor hummed. “You know how when little kids are learning how to ride a bike, they’ll start pedaling while their parent is holding onto them, but then the parent will just let go without telling them and they’ll keep going on their own?”

Evan gave him a bored look. “You don’t know how to ride a bike.”

“The point still stands!”

“I’m not  _ four.” _

Connor laughed. “Alright, princess. I’ll tell you if I’m gonna let go, but no promises that I won’t still even if you complain.” He ignored Evan’s glare and started skating backwards again, taking him with him. “But in the meantime, you have to keep time. I only let go when I did because you were speeding up.”

“What sort of time?”

“3/4,” Connor answered, because they were essentially waltzing— just backwards and on ice. “Left then right.”

“Yours or mine?”

“Yours. I’ll do the opposite.”

He watched Evan’s mouth quietly form around the words. “One, two, three. One, two, three.” He was looking down again, but Connor was the one controlling their direction, so he didn’t bother to correct Evan this time.

They made it around the rink a few times. “I’m not leaving you,” Connor assured him as he tightened his hold on one of Evan’s hand, and then let go of the other. “Just keep going. Chin up.”

Evan looked at him warily, but just kept on skating anyway while in front of him Connor brought his feet together and shifted his body weight to turn and bring himself to Evan’s side instead. He synced up their strides, keeping hold of his hand the entire time. “See?”

“I’m gonna break my arm again,” Evan replied blandly. “‘How’d you break your arm  _ three times,  _ Evan?’ Jared would have a field day.”

“Three times?” Connor repeated. He let go of Evan’s hand and started skating backwards again, but this time staying to his side so that they didn’t have to keep time.

Evan’s brows drew together. “Yeah?” he said it like it was obvious, but Connor was still confused. “I walked into oncoming traffic. Did you think—”

Connor promptly lost his balance. “Jesus fucking—” He fell on his ass again. He just had time to be glad he hadn’t dragged Evan down with him before he watched his boyfriend turn and crash into the wall. At least he was still standing.

God, Connor hated when Evan said things like that. He knew it was a coping mechanism to talk about his trauma as if it wasn’t a big deal, but Jesus Christ it will never fail to take Connor off guard. “Sorry,” he said, moving to stand up. He went over to where Evan was leaning against the wall. “That wouldn't have been as dramatic if we weren’t on ice, I swear.”

Evan just rolled his eyes, which was definitely a better reaction than closing in on himself and getting self conscious. “I think you’re more traumatized by my trauma than I am.”

Connor couldn’t deny that. “Well…”

“It just feels like a different person did that, y’know?” Evan looked up at him.  _ “I wouldn’t—” _

“I know,” Connor assured him quickly. “I know you wouldn’t now. It just freaks me out thinking that we almost never met… a few times.”

“Yeah, me too,” Evan admitted, so Connor leaned over to kiss the top of his head.

“C’mon,” he said, taking his hand again. “You’re getting the hang of it.”

Evan sighed and allowed Connor to pull him back out onto the ice. “You have to teach me how to stop now though.”

“What?” Connor’s eyes sparkled. “Crashing into the wall isn’t good enough for you?” He took Evan by the waist and spun them around, ignoring his surprised (and slightly terrified) yelp.

Evan really did end up getting the hang of it though, and they spent another hour skating around— most of that time with Connor showing off and Evan rolling his eyes at him. Until finally they trudged through the snow back to the car.

Connor let out a long breath as he fell back against the driver’s seat. “Wanna go back to the house and have sex before the others get back?” he asked bluntly.

Evan laughed and nodded. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way my anxiety was cut in half when Biden won (on Connor’s birthday!). Thank god this nightmare is almost over. Everything seems so much more manageable now. I hope you're all doing okay after that shit show of a week. ❤︎ 
> 
> Not gonna lie, this chapter made me chuckle a few times while I was editing. I hope I could make you smile too. ❤︎


	5. February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **VERY NSFW**

Connor never had a boyfriend before Evan.

So the whole Valentine’s Day thing was completely over his head, and really he knew it was a stupid Hallmark holiday anyway— or yet: it’s a Catholic holiday, which technically means Evan wouldn’t celebrate it. But Connor still felt like the day should be acknowledged.

He’s not an idiot though. He knew better than to let the day go unmentioned and risk ratcheting up Evan’s anxiety. As soon as February 1st rolled around and the student leader board (Alana) was hanging up paper hearts in the hallways, Connor asked Evan what he wanted to do in two weeks.

Evan’s eyes had gone wide as saucers as he stuttered out something about how they didn’t have to do anything different. And then specifically mentioned that the restaurants would be crowded and loud, so Connor mentally marked that idea off the list.

He also went ahead and told Evan he was getting him a gift— just because he knew if he didn’t and then Evan didn’t get him anything, he would have a panic attack. Or he’d spend the next fourteen days worrying about whether or not he should get Connor a gift. 

By this point Connor had learned how to avoid flaring Evan’s anxiety, and nine times out of ten that just means telling him what he’s thinking.

He’d been working on a painting of the marriage trees from the orchard since the day after he saw them. He kept getting distracted from it though and starting new projects or adding to old ones. He decided to double down on it though so he could use it as part of his gift for Valentine’s. Evan wasn’t materialistic, and he was too worried about money to be able to really appreciate anything Connor bought him, so it was the best course of action to go handmade.

And although it’s kinda cheesy, he bought Evan flowers. Because Evan loves flowers. And even though he can arrange the fuck out of a bouquet, he prefers potted plants because he can actually keep them alive— as opposed to being forced to watch them die, helpless to stop it (his words, not Connor’s). The lady at the garden store said violets do well potted and indoors, and they had a ton of them for Valentine’s Day specifically, so Connor figured they would be alright.

The card aisle of CVS was briefly perused, but all of the cards were just so impersonal and felt like the pinnacle of exactly why the holiday is kind of stupid. So instead he found a leather journal and wrote Evan a letter similar to the ones he used to have to write to himself before he told Dr. Sherman that it didn’t help. Connor would still catch him writing his thoughts down in composition books though, so it was really about time he had a proper journal.

He wrote on the first page because he knew Evan hated writing on the first page of his notebooks. He said it was too much pressure. Connor wasn’t sure he got that exactly, but he accepted it and found it kind of cute that the first pages of all his notebooks were blank— even the first page of the lined paper he kept in the back of all his binders at school.

Connor definitely considered himself more of an artist than a writer, but he gave it his best shot anyway.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I’m not exactly sure how to begin to tell you everything you mean to me, but I guess I’ll start with the basics: I love you. I know I say it all the time, but I hope the words haven’t lost any of their meaning._

_Sometimes, even when you aren’t around, I’ll just remember your existence (and the fact that you’re mine) and I just have to take deep breaths because I can’t believe someone as wonderful as you would ever want to be around me._

_I guess that’s the thing though. You make me hate myself less. Actually, you kind of make me like myself a little bit. I guess it’s the same way that I look at trees and think “Evan likes trees” and then I appreciate the trees more because they’re important to you. Maybe I’ll never be able to love myself, but I can at least appreciate that you love me, and you’re usually right about everything, so I guess the odds are that you might be right in thinking there’s something about me that's worth keeping around._

_I know we’ve agreed that this holiday is kind of dumb, but you’re worth making a big deal about. God, I mean, you’re worth everything. The whole world. I’d find a way to get it for you if that’s what you wanted. You make me so fucking happy, Evan, and I love you so fucking much. I’ll never be able to put it into words. You make life worth living. You make everything seem so much brighter and more beautiful. You’re the light of my life— and you can cringe about that all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true._

_Happy Valentine’s Day._

_Love, Connor_

He watched Evan read it next to his locker Wednesday morning. When he finished, he looked up at Connor with tears in his eyes and then flung his arms around his shoulders, burying his face in his neck.

“I love you so much,” he cried as Connor held onto his waist. He pulled back and Connor wiped at his tears before bringing their foreheads together. Then Evan laughed and it was the most beautiful sound in the world to Connor —nevermind the mucus he could hear built up in the back of his throat. Everything about Evan was beautiful to Connor.

“You’re beautiful,” he told him, because sometimes the things he thought about Evan just burst out of him because his chest couldn’t hold it all.

Evan laughed again. “I’m crying in the middle of a hallway. Everyone is looking at me.” He pulled back self-consciously and hid his face in his hands.

Connor tugged his hands away and held them fast. There _was_ a group of girls currently staring at them, but they seemed to be more of the ‘wow look at those cute gays’ variety than the bitchy homophobic kind. All the guys in the hall, meanwhile, were pointedly looking away in fear they might catch the gay. Or look gay to their friends or something. Connor doesn’t know. He’ll never understand straight people.

“You okay?” he asked Evan, because in the end it didn’t matter if the looks were real or imagined. 

Evan nodded and went up on his toes to hug him again. And Connor knew at least part of the intention was to hide his face again, but he was completely fine with being Evan’s hiding place. Especially when it meant he got to hold him.

Until Jared (of course) shattered the moment. “All right, you two, break it up,” he said by way of announcing himself, making Evan pull away again. “What happened to keeping PDA to a minimum?”

“I’ve definitely never made that promise,” Connor replied, and hugged Evan from behind just for emphasis.

Evan giggled wetly and reached up to hold onto the arms wrapped around his shoulders. He tucked his chin in, simultaneously to continue hiding and to bury his nose in Connor’s scent again. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “I don’t need this kind of energy today,” he said. “Fuck Valentine’s Day.”

“Retweet,” Zoe said, coming up beside him. They fistbumped without even looking at each other and Connor pulled a face. Zoe and Jared were becoming quite the duo of just… pure chaos. They spoke in code. Nothing they said to each other ever made sense to anyone else. Connor was doing his best not to consider the implications of that.

The bell rang and Evan tilted his head back, eyes wide. “I haven’t given you your gift yet!”

Connor laughed and kissed the distressed look off his face despite the odd angle. “You can do that later.”

They went to their first period with Connor’s arm wrapped around Evan’s shoulders and Jared trailing along behind them complaining loudly about it.

Evan spent the whole class squirming in his seat and fidgeting with anything he could get his hands on. He kept messing with the zipper of his bag, opening it, peeking inside, adjusting something, and then closing it again. Over and over. By the time the final bell rang, Connor’s combined paranoia and concern for Evan were so high that he felt like he was on a razor’s edge. “Ev, what’s—” he started, but was cut off as Evan pulled him off to the side of the hall and into a small alcove.

He pulled a piece of paper out of his bag, and Connor could see that there was a gift bag in there as well. “Here,” he said. “I wrote… It’s not as… but I…” He huffed and gave up on words, thrusting the paper at him.

Connor could see that the paper had been unfolded and refolded multiple times. Like Evan had finished writing it, but kept having to reread it to make sure he’d gotten it right. Connor held onto Evan’s hand to keep him steady as he opened it. The letter was handwritten in pen, and covered in sections that Evan had marked out as he continuously changed his mind on what he wanted to say and how to say it.

 _Dear Connor_ _Murphy_ _,_

 _This feels weird. I’ve written so many letters to myself but I've never actually written a letter to_ ~~_an actual person_~~ _anyone else before._ ~~_Dr. Sherman recommended it a few times because I think I’m actually probably better at writing than speaking but writing feels more real and like permanent I guess and_~~

 _Maybe I’m not so great at this after all. Sorry for all the crossing out. I know I’m not supposed to apologize so much for dumb things, but I am sorry about this. I guess I could rewrite it without the marks, but I know you’d rather read this._ ~~_Because you’re weird and, like, love me or something I guess._~~

_Anyway. I love you._ ~~_That’s the main—_ _big thing._~~ _I love you so much. I sort of feel like I’m exploding most of the time. I just lay in bed and think about how much I love you and I’m like… I just can’t believe it’s possible?_ ~~_You…_ ~~ _You’re everything to me. I don’t know how else to put it._

_I think_ ~~_most of the time_ _usually_~~ _I used to think that my life wasn’t really worth living. I didn’t feel like I mattered. I didn’t feel like anyone cared_ _about me_ _that I existed. But you make me feel the exact opposite. I mean, the way you look at me… It’s selfish, but I hope you never stop looking at me like that. It makes me feel like I’m on fire. But, y’know, in a good way?_

_I guess while I’m confessing things: I found the list you wrote in middle school of all the things that make me smile._ ~~_It was shoved in the back of your drawer. I wasn’t snooping, I swear. I was looking for lube._~~ _It’s a little dated now though, so I decided to write you a new one._

_Things that make Evan Hansen smile_

  1. _Connor Murphy_



_… And none of the rest of it matters after that. I’d burn down the Amazon to keep you in my life._ ~~_Do you realize how crazy that is? How many trees I’d kill for you?_ _390 BILLION TREES_ _, Connor. That’s how much you’re worth to me._~~ _You’re the most important thing in my life and you make me so happy. You’re my favorite person in the world. I’m constantly amazed by you. And I don’t think that will ever change._

_I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day._

_Love, Evan_

Connor’s grip on Evan’s hand had gotten progressively tighter as he read until neither one of them had any circulation. He had tears in his eyes and damn Evan for his uncanny ability to make him cry.

“Fuck, I love you,” he muttered before pushing Evan up against the wall and crashing their lips together.

“We’re in public,” Evan muttered against his mouth, but he was pulling him closer and kissing him back.

In response to that completely valid point, Connor grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the nearest bathroom.

“But what about—” Evan started.

Connor pressed him against the door. “Fuck history,” he growled, and promptly claimed Evan’s mouth again, pushing his tongue in this time and earning a small moan from Evan in return.

The bell rang, but the sound was drowned out by their twin groans as their hips thrust together. Evan started desperately humping Connor’s leg, letting out all kinds of noises.

“Shh, baby,” Connor warned him. “Don’t want anyone to hear you.” He had just enough coherence left to lock the door and guide them over to the far wall instead— since he knew there was no way Evan could actually stay quiet. To his credit though, he was at least trying. He buried his face in Connor’s shoulder to muffle his whimpers as he continued to rut against him.

Connor’s hand moved down to squeeze Evan’s ass, causing him to buck violently and bite down on Connor’s hoodie. Connor moved to grip his hips instead, slowing his movements. “Careful, don’t want you to come in your pants.”

Evan made a noise of protest, but still consciously did as he was told, rocking his hips slowly so that there was no way he could come from this. Connor slid his hands soothingly down his back as Evan let out a small cry for his receding orgasm.

“Good boy,” Connor cooed. “You’re so good for me.”

“Please, Con,” he begged, and Connor took mercy on him, moving his hand down to trace his erection through his jeans teasingly, eliciting more whimpers until finally he groped him and Evan threw his head back, biting down hard on his lip as a moan built in the back of his throat.

Connor took that opportunity to attach his lips to Evan’s neck, sucking a mark there as Evan thrust into his hand. He unbuttoned his pants, finally freeing his erection and finding him bright red and already leaking precome.

Evan was probably smaller than average, but that hardly mattered since he didn’t like to top and Connor didn’t like to bottom. He fit perfectly in Connor’s hand, however, and was just small enough that Connor could almost fit all of him in his mouth without having to deep throat. Which was great because his gag reflex wasn’t going anywhere.

He didn’t even get to drop to his knees this time though, as he only moved his hand up and down a few times, twisting and sliding a thumb over the slit before Evan was suddenly moaning, completely forgetting about being quiet as he came.

“Shit,” Connor cursed because that definitely wasn’t the plan. He backed up slightly and attempted to catch most of it in his hand to save their clothes.

“Sorry,” Evan whimpered, hips still stuttering against Connor’s leg.

“Hey, no, you’re okay,” Connor assured him, kissing him softly. “That was really hot.” He worked him through the aftershocks and then guided them over to the sink where he washed off his hand and wet some paper towels to clean Evan up before tucking him back into his pants.

Evan had his lips on his in an instant, and the next thing Connor knew he was the one getting backed into a wall as Evan fell to his knees, wasting no time in getting his pants open and his cock free, bringing him back to full hardness.

He placed little kitten licks all along the shaft, looking up to Connor sweetly before licking a stripe from base to tip and sucking on the head, lapping at the slit.

“Oh, Jesus fuck,” Connor muttered, running his hands through Evan’s hair.

Evan brought him fully into his mouth and then down his throat. Connor threw his head back, clenching his jaw to keep from groaning. Though Evan seemed to take that as a challenge, setting up an erratic rhythm of sucking and humming and swallowing that had Connor almost to the edge in a matter of minutes.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he whispered, running a reverent hand down Evan’s cheek. “Love you so much.”

Evan blinked up at him and guided Connor’s hand to the back of his head before stopping his movements entirely— just sitting there on his knees with Connor’s cock in his mouth, waiting for him to make the next move.

“Fuck,” Connor let out, and brought his other hand up to grip Evan’s short hair. He pulled half way out and then slid back in, starting out slow and then gaining speed until his was fucking his boyfriend’s mouth at a punishing pace. Evan had tears streaming down his face as he held onto Connor’s hips, guiding him down his throat with every thrust until he was coming.

Connor held him in place, forcing Evan to take all of his come at once, which Evan did so happily, moaning as he sucked and swallowed, milking him for all he was worth. Even when Connor tried to pull away, Evan resisted, chasing after his cock and licking him completely clean before finally tucking him into his pants.

Connor yanked him up to standing and kissed him breathless despite the fact that they were both already panting.

Evan pulled away and tried to speak but his voice was all scratchy and fucked raw. He cleared his throat and Connor could hear his come sitting on his vocal chords. _Fuck, why is that so hot?_ “I love you,” he managed to get out, and Connor had to kiss him again.

They eventually managed to break away and get to their bags that they’d left discarded on the floor. They sat down against the wall and drank from their matching reusable water bottles until Evan pulled out the gift bag that Connor had spotted earlier. “It’s not much, but…” He handed it over.

Connor removed the tissue paper and pulled out a glass picture frame. Evan had framed the list from middle school, except he’d put an ‘X’ through the items and replaced them simply with ‘Connor’. And in the corner was a polaroid of them with Evan grinning up at him.

“I hope you don’t mind that I wrote on it,” Evan said, pulling at his shirt hem. “I figured since it was all crumpled that you wouldn’t care—” He was cut off as Connor lunged forward to kiss him.

“You’re incredible,” he said when he pulled back, cupping Evan’s face. “I love it and I love you.”

Evan turned his head to kiss the inside of his wrist, and they both winced as the bell rang. Within a matter of seconds they could hear voices and footsteps filling the hall outside, effectively bursting the bubble they’d formed.

“Do I look like I just had sex in a public restroom?” Evan asked woefully, like he already knew the answer as he tried to tug the wrinkles out of his shirt.

Connor looked him up and down. His hair was rumpled— a far cry from its usual meticulously quaffed style. There were still tear tracks on his cheeks, and his lips were kiss-swollen with a bruise forming where he’d bitten into it. And there was a fairly obvious hickey blossoming on his neck.

Connor reached forward to tug Evan’s shirt collar up and Evan gasped, hand flying up to cover the mark as he glared at his boyfriend. “You didn’t!”

Connor winced. This was an argument they’ve had a few times now and he knew he was in the wrong. “It’s not… _so_ bad?”

“Connor! How many times—”

“I know! I’m sorry! There’s no point in arguing about it now!” Connor sighed and dug through his bag to find Evan’s hairbrush, which he had for some reason he couldn’t remember now. “Here,” he handed it over and then leaned forward to take his hoodie off, giving that to him as well. It could hide the mark if Evan was sure to keep adjusting it— which he would, because anxiety.

They stood back up once Evan looked like slightly less of a fucked-out mess. Connor still looked disheveled, but he always sort of did so probably no one would notice.

Connor reached forward to zip the hoodie up halfway to cover the come stain on Evan’s shirt which he definitely wasn’t going to point out right now (even though that part wasn’t his fault).

“We are never doing this again,” Evan said, pulling the hood up around his neck as they went out the door.

Connor rolled his eyes because he’s heard that one before. “Okay, Ev.”

“I’m serious.”

“I’m sure you are, babe.”

Evan was silent for a few seconds and Connor waited until he admitted, “It was fun though.”

Connor smirked. “It was.”

They came to Evan’s next class and Jared was already standing there. He took one look at them and started cackling evilly. “Oh my god, you two just had sex in the bathroom, didn’t you?” His voice was entirely too loud.

Evan’s eyes widened and he instantly turned bright red, tugging the hoodie up again. “What— we— no— I don’t—” he stuttered, only making Jared laugh harder.

Connor felt bad, but he was seriously about to be late for class. “Sorry. I love you,” he said quickly, kissing him and shooting Jared a warning glare for good measure before he had to run. His stomach turned at the distressed sound Evan made when he disappeared around the corner.

Jared, predictably, messaged the group chat.

 **Jared:** _murphy and hansen desecrated school property again._

 **Connor:** _fuck off kleinman_

**Zoe: 😣😣😣**

**Zoe:** _how many times do I have to say I don’t want to know??????_

 **Alana:** _You two are going to get caught eventually._

 **Evan:** _I hate all of you._

 **Jared:** _that hickey on ur neck says otherwise_

 **Jared:** _connie clearly never got over his twilight phase_

 **Connor:** _FUCK OFF KLEINMAN_

 **Evan:** _Jared’s just jealous cause no one will suck his dick._

 **Zoe:** _EVAN_

 **Zoe:** _EVAN NO_

 **Zoe:** _WHY_

 **Zoe:** _WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME READ THAT_

 **Connor:** _oh my god ev i love you so much wtf_

 **Jared:** _i am_

 **Jared:** _shook_

 **Alana:** _Everyone please pay attention to their respective classes now. Thank you._

Connor turned to see Alana giving him a bored look. “I take it you did not attend Coach Freeman’s class today?”

He sighed. “Obviously not, Lana.”

She rolled her eyes and handed over her history notes without another word. He grinned and took a picture, sending it to Evan before giving them back.

He got through French class with minimal effort (as per usual) and when he got to food science he decided to make lunch for Evan (and by extension himself). It was too cold to eat in the courtyard, but they could abandon their friends and drive somewhere more private for the lunch hour. He didn’t exactly feel like listening to Jared make more comments on their tendency to have semi-public sex, anyway. There’s no way Evan will have such bold (hilarious) comebacks in person— especially not while Zoe has her ears plugged and is singing loudly to drown them out.

He met Evan at his locker and despite the fact that he was holding a literal basket of food for him, he was met with a glare. “What did I do now?” he asked incredulously.

“Mrs. Lake asked what I did to my neck.”

Connor had to bite down hard on his tongue to keep from laughing. “Oh… oh no,” he managed. “Why… what, uh, what happened to the hoodie?”

Evan could clearly tell that Connor was holding back his amusement because his glare intensified. “I can’t exactly keep one hand on my neck while playing piano, can I?” he snapped.

Connor nodded sagely. “I am so sorry. I made you cookies.” He attempted to deflect the conversation by holding the basket up. “They’re strawberry! Because I love you!” Strawberry was Evan’s favorite flavor of everything. Which was just… _so fucking cute._

He pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said, already turning to walk towards the parking lot, and Connor chased after him. “But we’re stopping at CVS and you’re buying me concealer.”

“That’s completely fair,” Connor agreed. “We need to get more lube anyway.” He nudged Evan’s side with his elbow, grinning cheekily. “Hey, we can get that in strawberry flavor too.”

Evan didn’t miss a beat. “You eat it more than I do,” he said, and Connor promptly choked on air— which Evan ignored as he slid casually into the passenger seat of the car.

Connor did end up buying strawberry lube along with their usual brand, just because he thought it was funny. And because the bored look Evan gave him when he saw it was priceless.

After that, they decided to just park somewhere and eat in the car— though first Evan spent a good ten minutes covering the hickey and blending the makeup into his skin seamlessly with the beauty blender that he also made Connor buy. But eventually they were able to eat the sandwiches Connor made and Evan seemed to fully forgive him this time. The lunch hour ended with them making out again, anyway, so Connor was pretty sure he was in the clear.

APES put Evan in an even better mood too, since they were talking about sustaining biodiversity. Evan had pretty much already decided that when he writes his dissertation it’s going to be about dendrology’s role in sustaining wildlife. Because he’s a massive _adorable_ dork. (Connor loves him so much.)

Then their English teacher seemed to decide that she couldn’t be bothered to try and make a room of 20+ teenagers pay attention at the end of the day on Valentine’s, so she put on the RSC’s _Much Ado About Nothing,_ and Connor took the opportunity of a darkened room and their seats in the back to put his hand on Evan’s thigh.

Evan immediately whipped his head around because he was just about the least subtle person on the planet. “What are you doing?” he hissed as Connor’s hand moved inwards and squeezed. He couldn’t disguise his shiver, however, and Connor smirked in triumph.

“What?” he whispered innocently, inching his hand upwards.

Evan grabbed onto his hand to stop his progress. “You know I can’t be quiet,” he whispered, sending a nervous glance around the room, but no one was looking in their direction.

“I’m not doing anything, Ev,” Connor persisted, tightening his grip on his leg again, and then he very pointedly did not move.

Evan’s eyes narrowed, but he eventually let go of Connor’s hand and turned to face the front. He tried to pretend he wasn’t affected by the pressure on his inner thigh, but Connor watched his boyfriend instead of the film. He’d move his fingers only a fraction of an inch and Evan’s breath would hitch.

He was barely breathing by the time the bell rang, and Connor wasn’t anywhere closer to his dick than he had been at the beginning. The lights came back on and people started to stand and Evan actually whimpered as he looked at Connor with wide eyes and a jutted out lip.

And what was Connor supposed to do with that but drag him out of that school right then and there? They couldn’t even make it to the car before Evan was pouncing on him, backing him into Jared’s car and crashing their lips together. “You’re a dirty tease,” he muttered, grinding against him.

Connor responded to that by picking Evan up so that his thighs wrapped around his waist. He carried him to his car and flung the backseat open, tossing Evan inside and landing on top of him. “I fully intended to follow through,” he growled, canting his hips down.

Evan whined and returned the movement, but a second later he was hissing, “shit, wait, no,” and Connor was pulling away in a second, eyes wide.

“What? What is it?”

“We’re in the back of your car in the school parking lot,” Evan said, though he sounded like he really didn’t want to be the one to point it out. “This is too much.”

Connor’s brow furrowed. “More than having sex _in school?”_

“The bathroom didn’t have windows!” Evan gestured to their surroundings. Connor thought about pointing out that they were tinted, but that didn’t mean someone couldn’t still see inside if they got close enough— and they probably would considering they were _on wheels_ and there’s no way the car wouldn’t start rocking if they continued down the path they were on.

He blew out a long breath. “Right. You’re right.” He moved off of him so that they could both sit up. “Did you want to go back to class or…?”

“Hell no,” Evan answered. “My house?”

Connor nodded. “Let’s go.”

He might have sped there. Connor couldn’t exactly be sure of what he was doing because Evan decided to get payback for class by groping Connor through his jeans as he drove.

“Ev, I’m driving,” he said, though he made no move to bat his hand away.

“And I was trying to watch Shakespeare,” Evan shot back, moving up to unbutton Connor’s pants.

“What are you doing?” he asked warily, but the next thing he knew Evan was fully pulling him out of his underwear as they went down the highway, and it took everything in Connor not to slam on the brakes right then and there. “Okay,” he huffed, “I definitely—” Evan started jacking him slowly, _“definitely_ didn’t do this in class.”

Evan hummed noncommittally and continued his ministrations. “Mm, the lube is too far away,” he said, casting his eyes to the CVS bag in the backseat, and then, without any preamble whatsoever, he shrugged and dove down to suck Connor’s cock into his mouth.

“Fuck!” Connor let out, one hand automatically going down to hold onto Evan’s head as he started bobbing up and down. “Fuck, oh my god.” He struggled to keep his eyes open.

Evan pulled off. “Don’t crash the car,” he said simply and lapped at his slit before going back down.

So Connor’s not sure if he sped. He must have done, because all he could think about was getting there as soon as possible, but yet it still seemed to take forever. They turned into Evan’s driveway on two wheels, and then Connor was unceremoniously pulling Evan off of him and tucking himself back in so that they could run into the house (CVS bag in hand).

He pushed Evan onto his bed and crawled on top of him. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, bringing their lips together and tasting himself on Evan’s tongue. “I love you so much.”

“Uh huh,” Evan answered, already pushing at Connor’s shirt to get him to take it off.

Connor sat up to do just that and Evan followed suit, letting Connor help him when his arms got stuck in the too-long hoodie sleeves. “Be honest, am I ever gonna get that hoodie back?” Connor teased. Evan had already stolen like half of his clothes.

“Never,” Evan grinned, falling back into the sheets. He wriggled around underneath him. “I think you should put that lube to good use.”

Connor chuckled and made short work of Evan’s fly, but he paused when he saw what was underneath them.

Evan was wearing blue lace panties.

“Have you been wearing these all day?” he asked, pulling the jeans the rest of the way down and staring at his beautiful boyfriend, all laid out for him in the delicate lingerie that outlined his cock perfectly.

“Yes?” Evan laughed slightly as Connor met his eyes. “God, I knew you didn’t notice earlier.”

“I was distracted by how quickly you came just from grinding against my leg,” Connor answered, letting his eyes wander down his body again. “I guess now I know why.” He reached out to palm at him through the lace and Evan threw his head back on a whine, thrusting up into his hand. “Is this for me, baby?” Connor whispered, groping him and then running a finger along the hem of the panties. “You get all dressed up for me?”

“Just for you,” Evan agreed breathlessly.

“You’re such a good boy,” Connor cooed, continuing his light ministrations. “So pretty.”

He whimpered, “Please…”

“Please what?”

Evan was clearly past being coy. “Please fuck me, Connor. Want you inside me, please.”

“That’s all you had to say.” Connor grabbed the flavored lube from where they’d dropped it on the floor. “I’m gonna lick you open,” he told him, and Evan whined in response. “You want that, baby?”

Evan nodded frantically, canting his hips up in search of friction. Connor shed his own pants and underwear and climbed back into the bed, pushing Evan’s legs apart to see where his balls strained against the tight fabric. He fondled them to loud approval before pushing the lace aside to get a look at Evan’s fluttering hole. “So pretty,” he repeated, squeezing the lube into his fingers and warming it up before brushing against his entrance.

Evan immediately spread his legs wider. “Please, please, please,” he chanted.

“Turn over, baby,” Connor ordered, and Evan was on his stomach in a second, going up on his knees and presenting his ass to Connor. “Mm, you’re so good for me,” Connor muttered at the sight, reaching down to palm at his own aching erection. He pushed the panties aside again and dove down to lick at Evan’s hole, pleasantly surprised by the taste.

“Ohhhh fuck,” Evan moaned, pushing back into Connor’s face.

“Language,” Connor admonished teasingly, slapping at his ass lightly and earning another moan. He grinned and pushed his tongue past the tight ring of muscle to loud approval.

He opened Evan up slowly, waiting until he was begging for another finger before he gave it to him, all the while squeezing and slapping his ass till it was red. He sucked more hickies into his cheeks and thighs, marking him as his.

“Please, Connor, please fuck me, please,” Evan was sobbing into the pillow by this point.

Connor had mercy. “Okay, baby,” he said. “Turn over. I wanna see you.”

Evan turned over again and Connor kissed him as he finally pulled his panties off, tossing them over his shoulder. Evan’s cock was red and weeping precome, and Connor knew if he touched him now Evan wouldn’t be able to stop himself from coming, so instead he coated himself in lube and lined up at Evan’s entrance. 

“You ready for me?” he asked, and Evan tugged on his hips in response, pulling Connor into him.

“Ah, fuck,” Connor groaned, grabbing onto Evan’s legs to keep himself steady.

Evan wasn’t wasting any time, however. He rotated his hips. “Move, move, please, Connor, I—” He cut himself off with a shout as Connor pulled out and slammed back in, hitting his prostate with perfect precision. “Oh, oh, god, oh, fuck.” Evan scrambled for purchase on Connor’s shoulders, but ended up pulling at his hair.

“Oh yeah,” Connor moaned, increasing his pace. “You like taking my big cock, baby?”

Evan nodded frantically. “Love it. Love you.” His small body shifted up the bed as Connor thrust into him. “Harder. Faster. Please, Con, just—”

Connor let go of all reservations at that. He plowed into his boyfriend, feeling like he was going to split him in half and hitting his prostate every time, not leaving enough recovery time before repeating the movement. Over and over again as Evan squirmed and screamed beneath him, raking his blunt nails down Connor’s back and encouraging him to keep going.

Suddenly Evan was coming untouched between them, throwing his head back and clenching down around Connor. Connor came with a few more thrusts, releasing himself inside of him.

Evan made soft pleased noises as he continued working Connor through his orgasm while Connor lapped absently as his neck, tasting an odd mix of sweat, tears, and makeup.

He pulled out to Evan’s loud disapproval, but immediately replaced his cock with his fingers, pushing his come back in while Evan clenched down greedily.

Then he brought his come and lube covered fingers up to Evan’s mouth. Evan licked it and then immediately scrunched his face up, pulling back— which was very unlike him. “That does _not_ taste like strawberries,” he complained.

Connor laughed and wiped his hand on Evan’s stomach instead, adding to the mess that was already there. “Yeah, it’s just kind of artificially sweet.”

“Ugh,” Evan continued, sticking his tongue out. “Did we even read the ingredients? What did you just put in my asshole?”

Connor rolled his eyes, smirking at Evan’s dramatics. “Nothing I didn’t also _ingest,_ so…” He reached over to find the bottle and read it over more carefully. “It’s FDA approved.”

Evan huffed. “Well I guess that’s fine then.” He pushed at Connor’s chest. “Go get a washcloth.”

Connor sighed, “Yes, dear,” he said blandly before rolling away and shuffling into the bathroom. He cleaned himself off quickly and then stood around waiting for the water to get warm before rewetting the cloth and taking it into Evan (because he’s skipped that step before and he would not like to repeat that experience). 

Once they were both (mostly) clean, Connor fell back into the bed and threw half of his body weight over his boyfriend. “What do you want for dinner?” he asked, speaking more into his shoulder than anything else.

“I don’t know,” Evan answered predictably, running his fingers along Connor’s arm. “You don’t have to cook if you don’t want to.”

Connor ignored the second part of that. “How does pasta sound?”

“Great.”

“Okay.” Connor made no move to get up. Instead he pulled Evan closer, wrapping himself more firmly around him. “I love you so much.”

Evan hummed contentedly. “Love you too.”

“You looked really hot in those panties.” Connor lifted his head to grin down at him and watch Evan blush. “When did you even get those?”

“Online a few weeks ago,” Evan answered sheepishly, tracing small circles in Connor’s skin. “There’s more where that came from,” he admitted after a few seconds.

Connor’s brows shot into his hairline. A few months back he said something about getting Evan a dildo to use when he wasn’t around, but that had (a) been said in the heat of the moment and (b) become a moot point when they hadn’t spent a lot of time apart since then. “Really?” he asked, squeezing his hip to let him know it was okay to say whatever he was thinking.

“Mmhm,” Evan nodded, pressing his lips together and clearly attempting to gather up courage. “Mostly just stuff like that, y’know. Lingerie.”

Connor’s mind instantly supplied him with a fantasy image of Evan in a blue teddy to match the panties. But he figured he’d see whatever Evan had got whenever he was ready to show him. Still… “Mostly?” 

Evan sighed and rolled away. Connor was about to apologize and take it all back before he realized Evan was digging through his bedside drawer. He pulled out a small box and handed it over to him.

Connor instantly recognized the picture on the package for what it was: a butt plug. It was metal and had a (predictably) blue gem on the end. “Damn babe,” he muttered, flipping the box over and already imagining seeing this inside his boyfriend.

Evan flushed. “There’s just… sometimes there isn’t _time_ and…” He sucked in a deep breath and Connor placed a hand over his to steady him.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain it.” Connor grinned at him. “I know what a butt plug does.”

Evan huffed out a small laugh. “Yeah, obviously, yeah, okay.”

Connor knew that the best way to convince Evan that everything was fine was to just continue talking like it was all perfectly normal. Which it was, in the grand scheme of things. No, they’ve never seriously had a conversation about toys before, but that didn’t mean it was ever outside of the realm of possibility. “Does this mean I can buy you toys now too?” he asked cheekily. “And lingerie?”

Evan turned a really pretty pink color. “I mean, I— I guess,” he stuttered out. “If— if you want.”

“Oh, I want,” Connor assured him. “I’m gonna spoil you so much.”

He rolled his eyes. “You already spoil me.”

“Exactly.” Connor leaned up to kiss him. “Speaking of which, I need to make you dinner before you wither away on me.”

“I’m not going to _wither—”_ Evan started to protest, but Connor was already standing up and finding his underwear and t-shirt on the floor as well as the pair of sweatpants he kept in Evan’s dresser. Evan had no choice but to follow suit— though he forewent the panties in favor of a loose pair of boxer-briefs. He tossed the soiled slip of lace and their jeans into his hamper to deal with later.

They had fettuccini alfredo and watched Star Wars. So basically, they had the best Valentine’s date night ever, concluded with Postmates-ordered cake (which is the best kind of cake). 

They retired up to Evan’s room and Connor put on probably-too-loud music and made Evan dance with him. They stumbled around in their socks and laughed as they continuously stepped on each other’s toes and had to stop because their spinning was making them dizzy. They fell into the bed, giddy and unable to keep their hands off each other.

Connor brought their lips together even though they were both still giggling. “I love you,” he said, grabbing onto his waist and pulling him closer.

“I love you too,” Evan returned, smiling into the kiss and shifting so that their legs tangled together.

Their make out session started to heat up in that slow lazy way that made Connor feel like he was burning from the inside out. But just when he was really thinking they might actually make this a three-round day, the door suddenly burst open.

“Hey, Evan, I—” Heidi was saying, but cut herself off with wide eyes. “Oh!”

Evan yelped and jumped away from Connor in an instant. “Mom!” he shouted, more terrified than angry, and Connor didn’t know what to do because his first instinct was to comfort his boyfriend, but he didn’t know if that would be welcome right now.

Heidi stood there with her mouth open. “I— I just— I’ll—” She gave up on speech all together and just turned on her heel, walking away and shutting the door behind her.

Evan curled in on himself, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face there. “Oh my god,” he muttered.

Connor scooted closer to him, placing a hesitant hand on his shoulder and letting out a small breath of relief when he didn’t pull away. “Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered.

Evan shook his head. His whole body was shaking, actually, and his breathing was becoming more erratic by the second. He let out a heartbreaking sob that sounded painful and Connor immediately pulled him into his chest, shushing him gently. “Hey, you’re okay. It’s okay. Everything’s okay.” 

He reached for the Xanax and water on the nightstand as Evan continued to cry. He pulled back just enough to make Evan take it, and then reeled him back in. He rocked him back and forth and had him take deep breaths until finally he cried himself out and the medicine kicked in and he passed out.

Connor shifted ever so carefully, laying Evan down and covering him with blankets. He found the weighted one folded at the end of the bed and used that as well, satisfied when Evan’s body seemed to instantly relax under it.

Then Connor took a deep breath and made his way downstairs.

Heidi was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, one arm wrapped around her stomach while she bit at her thumb nail. She looked up hopefully as she heard footsteps, and Connor watched her face fall when she realized it was him and not her son.

“I heard him crying,” she said, and she sounded like she was about to cry too— or maybe she had been.

“He’s asleep now,” Connor told her. He crossed his arms protectively around his middle and shifted his weight awkwardly, having no idea what to do in this situation— though it was clear she didn’t either.

“I didn’t mean to… I didn’t realize… If I had known…” She floundered desperately.

Connor nodded in understanding. “It’s okay.”

“Is he mad at me?” Her eyes were wide with fear. It was at least obvious she felt bad about taking her son’s choice in coming out away from him. Accidentally or not.

Connor grimaced. “He wasn’t exactly verbal…”

“Oh…” The guilt sat heavy on her shoulders.

“I really don’t think he’s mad at you though,” Connor added, because he felt like he needed to. “It just scared him and he didn’t know how to react so…” _his anxiety kicked into overdrive._ “He’ll be okay.”

Heidi shook her head. “I really didn’t know…” she whispered. “How could I have not known?”

Connor didn’t have an answer for that. His parents had both suspected, but they were around a lot more than Heidi was.

“I’m such an idiot,” she said.

“Evan’s good at hiding things if he wants to,” he said, trying to reassure her.

“But _why_ did he want to?” She looked up at him with wide eyes, searching for answers. “Does he not trust me? Did he think I wouldn’t be okay with it?”

“No, no, he… he’s Evan.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “He’s just been building it up in his head for months and—”

 _“Months?”_ Heidi repeated, and Connor winced.

How did this happen? He should not be _coming out for his boyfriend—_ especially not when he wasn’t even around to hear it.

“Since the first week of school,” he admitted, because what was he supposed to do? Lie? Walk away? He still needed to get back to Evan, and this woman would be completely within her rights to throw him out of her house if she wanted to.

Heidi’s eyes widened and Connor could see her doing the mental math. _“Six months?”_ she asked, and Connor nodded. She was then clearly remembering every single time they’d been in this house alone, or the fact that Evan has basically moved in with Connor. And she definitely wasn’t an idiot. She was capable of drawing the correct conclusions from that.

Connor needed to go before this crossed into territory he was even less comfortable with. He gestured over his shoulder. “I should really get back…”

She seemed to snap back into herself. She glanced at the clock above the stove. “I’m already late for class,” she said, sounding kind of far away, like she was saying those words on autopilot but thinking of something completely different. “I only came home to grab food.”

“There’s fettuccini in the fridge,” Connor said, and the sentence felt really stupid, but well… _there was._

She looked at him and he had to hold back the impulse to curl his shoulders up and hide in his hair. “I know…” she started, but then shook her head. “I’m glad he has you, Connor. You’re good for him.”

Connor felt like he’d been ripped open and was completely on display. “Thank you,” he managed. 

Heidi nodded, and he took that as his cue to go.

He went back upstairs and was thankful that Evan was still asleep. (It wouldn’t be the first time he’d woken up because Connor left.) He joined him under the covers and pulled him in, content when Evan immediately grabbed his hand. He kissed his forehead and let sleep pull him under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments ♥️


	6. March

Things have a way of working out.

That’s probably, like, Life Lesson #1: The Thing You Need To Understand In Order To Survive, but Connor has only just recently figured it out, and Evan is definitely still working on it.

Anyway, it turned out that the world  _ didn’t  _ end when Heidi learned her son is gay. They apparently had a very long awkward conversation in which she covered  _ all _ of her bases (“She asked if we used protection, Connor!”), but Evan got through it and Connor got through the subsequent dinner wherein Heidi asked a lot of pointed questions about his plans for the future.

Thankfully, they had a plan. And that seemed to be working out for them too.

“Oh my god,” Evan said, staring down at his phone as they drove home from school.

“What?” Connor asked, expecting some news about the current climate crisis and the fact that no one’s doing anything about it.

“Just got an email from NYU Admissions Office,” he answered, voice small.

“What?” Connor shouted, almost hitting the brakes, but refraining. “What does it say?”

“It’s just a link,” Evan answered. “The link will tell me if I have a future.”

Connor gripped the steering wheel. “You have a future either way, Ev.”

“Not with you,” Evan argued, apparently already mourning their relationship. He was on the edge of tears over a hypothetical scenario that was never going to happen. “Not if you get in and I don’t.”

They’ve had this argument a hundred times. “If you seriously think I’d go to New York without you—”

“I can’t hold you back from your dreams!”

“You are my dream!”

They both went very quiet, aware of how loud, dramatic, and serious that got within the span of about five seconds. Neither one of them spoke again until they were parked in the Murphys’ driveway.

“Okay.” Connor turned in his seat to face his boyfriend. “First off, stop freaking out when we don’t even know whether or not we got in yet.” He took Evan’s hands as he nodded. “Secondly, here’s how it’s gonna go, okay? If we both got in, then we go. That’s the plan. Regardless of money. We’ll figure it out. You wouldn’t be the first person to go into debt for school, and it won’t even be an issue for long because you’re marrying into money, right?”

Evan looked like he wanted to protest, but they’ve had this argument before too, and he’s already admitted that Connor is right.

He continued, “If neither one of us gets in, we’ll go to BU. They already let us in and their programs are just as good and they gave you almost a full ride, plus I have family in Boston.” He waited for Evan to nod again. “If I get in and you don’t, then we’re still going to BU—”

“Connor!”

“It’s my decision, Evan.”

“That’s—!”

“I’m not leaving you,” Connor cut him off firmly. “There’s nothing in this world that could make me do that— especially not something as trivial as which top rated university I get my  _ English  _ degree from.” He rolled his eyes at himself. “Now, if you get in and I don’t—”

“We’ll go to BU,” Evan said.

Connor let out a long breath. “I will support you in any decision you make. But I want you to know that if you really want to go to NYU, I’ll follow you to New York. I’ll figure it out, okay? I’ll go straight to culinary school— fuck the France idea. Or I’ll try to get into some other school in the city. Or I’ll take a year off and work—”

“Connor,” Evan cut him off again. “I wouldn’t ask you to put your life on hold for me. I wouldn’t want you to.”

“Okay, but—”

“No buts. We’ll go to BU. It’s a good school and they gave me a lot of money.”

Connor nodded slowly, pressing his lips together, knowing it would be unfair to argue it when he wouldn’t let Evan do the same. “Okay.”

They grabbed their bags and went straight to Connor’s room, not stopping to say hi to his parents or Zoe who had stayed home from school sick. Then they stood facing each other as they clicked the links in their inboxes and logged into the applicant portal.

Connor immediately realized he should have sat down as his vision swam. The word “Congratulations!” greeted him and he was completely incapable of reading past it. Fuck, it’s gonna suck if he can’t go. It’s really gonna suck if he can’t get excited because—

“I got in,” Evan said, clearly trying to keep his voice devoid of emotion, but his hands were shaking and Connor could see the hope behind his eyes.

Connor wasn’t capable of speech. He just dove in and grabbed Evan by the waist, picking him up and spinning him around in a circle as he laughed and whooped for joy.

Evan laughed too, holding onto Connor’s shoulders. “We’re going to NYU?” he asked.

“We’re going to NYU!” Connor shouted loud enough for the neighbors to hear and spun them again before kissing his boyfriend like his life depended on it.

They could hear three sets of shoes thundering up the stairs and Connor just managed to put Evan back on his feet before his family came bursting into the room.

“Did we hear that right?” Larry asked.

Evan nodded. “We got in.”

And then there was just… lots of hugging. Connor was not sure who he was hugging at any given moment, but he is sure that he hugged all of them in every combination at least six times. 

“This is cause for celebration!” Cynthia exclaimed, and they were all still just standing in Connor’s room (which was weird). “Let’s go out for dinner tonight. Somewhere really nice.”

“Zoe’s sick,” Connor pointed out. “Actually I probably shouldn’t be hugging you.” He backed away from his sister, taking Evan with him protectively and earning eye rolls from all four of them.

“Well,” Cynthia didn’t lose any of her cheer, “we’ll order out then! How does pizza sound? That’s good celebration food, right?”

“Sounds great, Mom,” Connor subtly pushed them towards the door (because it was still weird that they were all just standing in his room). “You go order it and we’ll be right down.” He shut the door behind them and turned to find Evan giving him an unimpressed look.

“That was rude.”

Connor sighed. “We should have thought this through better,” he said. “Now how can we have celebratory sex?”

“I guess we won’t.” Evan shrugged like this didn’t affect him at all, but Connor knew better than that. 

He sauntered forward and grabbed him by the hips. “We’ll see about that,” he whispered, kissing him roughly before pulling away too soon and going to the door. He heard Evan let out a small noise of protest behind him and smirked triumphantly as he walked out.

His phone buzzed with a notification from a group chat.

**Jared:** _ GUESS WHAT BITCHES _

He included a screenshot of his acceptance letter from NYU.

**Zoe:** _ CONNOR AND EVAN GOT IN TOO _

**Jared:** _ NO SHIT?!?!!!!! _

**Connor:** _ way to tell someone else’s news zo _

**Alana:** _ Hey, look! _

She sent a screenshot of her acceptance to Columbia.

**Jared:** _ FUCK YEAH WE ABOUT TO GET LIT IN NYC LETS FUCKING GO!!!!!!! _

**Zoe: 😢**

**Jared:** _ shit sry forgot ur a baby _

**Zoe:** 😡

**Jared:** _ ull be w us next year _

**Jared:** _ OR U BETTER BE ANYWAY _

**Zoe:** _ BET _

Connor was about to send something else, but then Evan came running down the stairs behind him. He jumped on Connor’s back and shoved his phone in his face. “Look!” he shouted.

Connor scrambled to hold onto his legs, but it didn’t really matter because Evan’s thighs were strong enough to hold on without support. “Jesus— fuck— what?” he sputtered, trying to see the screen that was too close to read.

“They gave me a full ride!” He kissed his cheek and Connor was finally able to see the numbers on the screen now that he knew what he was looking for.

“Holy shit, babe!” Connor turned to face him as Evan jumped down and pulled him into another hug. They both laughed. “Now you don’t have to marry me for my trust fund.”

Evan rolled his eyes and pulled back. “I was never going to marry you for your trust fund,” he said boredly, and then went up onto his toes to kiss him. “That was just an added bonus.”

Connor snorted, remembering when he’d said something similar about Evan’s gag reflex (or rather lack thereof) at the beginning of their relationship. “Alright,” he said, squeezing his hips and kissing his temple.

“We should go to the orchard.” Evan wrapped his hands behind Connor’s neck and swayed slightly so that they were almost dancing. “I wanna celebrate without your family,” he added at a whisper.

Connor groaned and ducked down to press his forehead against Evan’s. “We should have gone to your house.”

“Nah, it wouldn’t have mattered. My mom’s home.”

“Damn.”

“Soon we’ll be all on our own though.” Evan grinned as he pulled back. “Living in a tiny NYU dorm.”

Connor smirked. “We’ll have to push the beds together.”

“You’re gonna get sick of me.” He was clearly teasing, but Connor could see just the slight bit of worry behind his eyes and in the way the corner of his mouth twitched down for just a second.

“Never,” he said, punctuating the declaration with a kiss. “We could have to live in a closet and I’d still want you closer.”

Evan giggled and rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “And I’m never going back in the closet.”

Connor snorted. He’d been right in his prediction that Evan would be an even prouder gay once his mom knew. Maybe the way he’d ended up coming out wasn’t ideal (like at all), but it was overall a good thing. He seemed lighter now that he didn’t have that hanging over his head, and he talked to his mom a lot more frequently and willingly.

“Boys!” Cynthia called from the kitchen, and they shared a look before going to see what she wanted. She was typing away on her phone when they entered. “We’re having a party on Saturday for you two, Jared, and Alana with all of our families.”

Evan shifted awkwardly. “I don’t know if my mom will be able to—”

“I already called her.” Apparently Cynthia was whom Zoe got the ‘telling other people’s news’ gene from. “She promised to keep Saturday evening clear.”

“Right…” Evan sighed and Larry patted him on the shoulder as he walked past.

Connor wrinkled his nose. “You’re not inviting our cousins are you?” he asked, and Larry looked up in alarm at that. 

She rolled her eyes. “No, stand down.”

It was a joke, but Connor did actually feel himself tensing at the idea that he would be forced to face his extended family. He still hadn’t fully recovered from Thanksgiving. 

Evan must have been reading his mind (or his body language) because his hand landed on the small of Connor’s back.

It was so annoying that just the  _ thought  _ of something could put him on edge like this. Literally three seconds of  _ ‘what if I have to see my cousins?’  _ and now he felt like screaming. It’s stupid that his asshole brain could fuck him up like that even after finding out that he and Evan got into their dream school.  _ Fuck mental illness. _

“We’ll be upstairs,” Evan said quickly, and Connor watched his mom glance up in worry from her phone, her gaze flickering between the two boys.

“I’ll call you when the pizza’s here,” she said, and Evan nodded before yanking gently on Connor’s arm, getting him to unstick his feet from the floor and follow him out.

Once the bedroom door was shut behind them again Connor finally felt like he could breathe. He ran his fingers through his hair, yanking at the roots. “Fuck!” he let out angrily. “Why do I do this!?”

Evan just went over to the bed, knowing to stay out of the way (though still in view) until Connor reached out to him. He knew that a wrong move or word could get misinterpreted and send Connor reeling.

He hated that he put Evan through this. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he whispered, unzipping his hoodie and throwing it across the room. He scratched angrily at his arms.

“I’m here,” Evan reminded him, voice soft, and Connor nodded quickly, feeling his brain wrack around in his skull.

_ Evan’s here. Evan’s here. Evan’s here.  _ He let out a small pathetic whimper and tears burned at the back of his eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he choked.

“It’s okay,” Evan replied calmly. “I’m not scared. I’m not angry. I love you.”

Connor snapped his head up and the red in his vision started to cool when his eyes landed on Evan’s.  _ I love you. I love you. I love you.  _ The tears fell and a sob burst from his chest as he lunged forward into Evan’s arms. He buried his face in his neck and Evan held him close, kissing the top of his head.

“It’s okay. I love you,” Evan repeated at a whisper as he ran one hand through his hair and the other rubbed his back.

The pain in Connor’s head, caused by the alarm that wouldn’t stop blaring, was excruciating. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I hate this,” he cried. “I hate this.”

“I know.” Evan held him closer. “We’ll get through it.”

Connor loved that. He loved that Evan knew to say ‘we’— that he knew to make sure that Connor knew he wasn’t going through this alone and that Evan wasn’t going to leave him because of this.

_ This. What even caused this? The idea of having to deal with people who don’t like you? Really? Are you that fucking stupid?  _ Connor pressed his forehead into Evan’s shoulder to try and get the voice to stop,

“I love you so much, Con,” Evan whispered in his ear.

Connor wrapped his arm around his waist, attempting to eliminate any molecule of space between them. Some distant part of his brain was aware of the fact that he was crushing him, but Evan didn’t seem to be complaining and Connor didn’t have the energy to move. He was too afraid that if he let go then Evan would disappear.

“I’m right here,” Evan assured him, reading his mind again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Energy was coursing through his veins. His body was demanding that he pick either fight or flight in response to a danger that wasn’t even there. And rationally he knew that, but the adrenaline in his system didn’t care about being rational.

Evan probably felt his heart racing. Or the fact that he was trying to squeeze him tight enough to convince himself that that was doing something. “C’mon,” Evan said, tapping his hip and making him sit up. “Do you wanna go for a run?”

Connor shook his head and forced himself to hold back the burst of anger that the incorrect suggestion attempted to prompt. Evan held onto his hand and waited until he could speak and not scream. “I don’t want to be alone,” he got out, and Evan nodded.

Connor’s eyes skittered across his room in search of  _ something  _ to help him calm down, but everything he landed on would require too much focus than his ADHD brain was capable of right now.

“Do you just wanna smoke?” Evan asked, and Connor let out a small breath of relief.

He tried not to rely on weed so much anymore, and Evan helped him with that, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still a decent coping mechanism when nothing else worked. 

Evan nodded and went over to open the window before grabbing the vape from the dresser and handing it to Connor. Then he just laid his head on Connor’s lap and started texting while Connor ran a hand through his hair and let the cannabis do its job. He tried to aim his smoke towards the window though instead of Evan’s face. It gave him something to think about, anyway.

“Who are you texting?” he asked eventually.

“Your parents,” Evan answered, shifting his phone so that Connor could see the messages. He was just letting them know that they might not be down for a bit.

He also saw that Evan had had to reassure Cynthia not to feel bad— that these things just happen, and yes, it’s okay that they have a party on Saturday.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay with that many people in the house?” Connor felt like an asshole for not thinking of that sooner.

Evan turned his head to kiss his hip. “I’ll be fine.”

Connor felt his jeans vibrate and he did his best to get to his phone without shifting Evan around too much. He took another hit as he opened the text from his sister.

**Zoe:** _ the hall smells like cotton candy _

**Connor:** _ it’s weed tho _

**Zoe:** _ loll nice _

Sometimes Connor wondered if he’d gotten the oil that didn’t smell dank as fuck from the beginning, then maybe his family wouldn’t have given him such a hard time about how much he’d relied on it. It was all about optics, right?

“You feeling better?” 

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. He wasn’t high, but he didn’t really want to be. He’d just needed his synapses to calm the fuck down. “Thanks.”

Evan sat up and kissed him, licking into his mouth, and Connor chuckled in response.

“You want a hit?” he asked, mostly sarcastic since Evan turned down the offer nine times out of ten,

Evan hummed, looking up as he thought about it, then he grinned. “Well, we  _ are _ supposed to be celebrating.”

Connor’s eyes widened.  _ Fuck.  _ He loved getting Evan high. He always got all cute and giggly. His cheeks would go pink and he just couldn’t wipe this dopey smile off his face. It was incredible. Like happiness concentrated into one beautiful person. “Really?” he couldn’t help but sound hopeful. “Not just because you think it will make me feel better?”

He rolled his eyes. “Connor, if I got high every time one of us got upset, I’d never be sober.”

Which was a true (if sad) statement. So Connor took another hit and leaned forward. Evan opened his mouth automatically, well accustomed to shotgunning by this point in their relationship.

He collapsed back against the pillows, the drug-induced smile already starting to pull at his lips. Connor chuckled at the image he made. “Remember the first time we did that?” he asked.

Evan’s smile widened and his eyes brightened as he looked up at him. Connor nearly melted. “We were at the orchard,” he said and a small giggle followed.

“Mmhmm.” Connor took another hit and gave it to Evan because he just wanted to get to the best part.

Evan knew exactly what he was doing, as soon as he finished inhaling he raised his brows at him. “You’re not even trying to be subtle,” he said, but he was still smiling. Connor tried to imagine how his twelve year old self would have reacted, getting to see Evan smile this much. He probably would have fainted.

“Nope,” Connor popped the ‘p’ and gave him another hit, letting this one turn into a deep kiss.

Evan giggled when Connor pulled back, and he reached up to play with a lock of his hair as it fell over him. “You’re so pretty,” he whispered, eyes round and slightly glazed. “I like your hair.”

Connor smirked. “Oh?”

“Uh huh.” He nodded adorably and then ran his whole hand through Connor’s hair. “It’s so soft and pretty. Like you!” He cracked up, and fuck, Connor could listen to him laugh all day. Evan pet his cheek. “You’re soft and pretty!”

Connor leaned down to kiss his nose. “And you’re very cute.”

Evan turned impossibly pinker. He got distracted by Connor’s hair again though, twirling it around his finger now— which Connor thought was a good metaphor for their relationship. 

The position was uncomfortable though, so Connor pulled away and ignored Evan’s whine of “nooooo!” because as soon as he sat back against the headboard, he pulled him into his lap.

“Oh!” Evan giggled, swaying slightly from the unexpected burst of movement that probably had the room spinning for him now. He put his hands on Connor’s shoulders to steady himself.

Connor took one of those hands and kissed it, pulling more laughs from Evan in response. 

Then he gasped suddenly and threw his arms out dramatically. “Connor! I just thought of something!”

Evan thought of things a lot when he was high. Usually it was stuff he’d already said before, but he was convinced it was a new thought. Or he’d say things that made absolutely zero sense, but he’d insist that they were deeply profound.

“Oh?” Connor prompted, not bothering to disguise his amusement as he squeezed his hips.

Evan nodded. “We’re gonna get married someday,” he said very matter-of-factly.

“This is true.”

“What if—” He snorted and fell forward to rest his head against Connor’s shoulder and look up at him. “What if we just got married  _ right now?” _

Connor chuckled and wrapped his arms around his waist. “You’re not eighteen yet, Ev. New York wouldn’t let you marry me.”

His brow furrowed and he pouted, but he still looked  _ so fucking cute.  _ “That’s not fair.”

“That’s child protection laws.”

He grinned cheekily at that. “You’re an  _ adult!”  _ he drawled, making himself laugh again.

Connor wrinkled his nose. “Ugh, don’t make it weird.”

Evan buried himself more firmly in Connor’s neck. “You’re  _ mine,  _ you’re my  _ boyfriend,”  _ he said, fisting Connor’s shirt in his hand. “I love you  _ sooooo  _ much.”

“Yeah, I love you too, Ev.”

“Am I your boyfriend too?” He blinked up at him.

Connor chuckled. “Yes, you’re my boyfriend too.”

“Good,” Evan nodded firmly. “I don’t want you to ever have another boyfriend, okay? You just have to love me for forever and ever and ever and ever, cos I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t love me.”

Connor’s heart broke a little and he held him closer. “Okay, Ev. But you have to promise that you’ll love me for forever and ever and ever too.”

“And ever.” Evan hugged him hard. “I promise, Con.”

He felt breathless. He kissed the side of Evan’s head and closed his eyes, attempting to remind himself that this was real. He actually was this lucky. He really was in a place where his episodes could just be short and minor and he doesn’t have to hurt anyone during them— he has someone who will love him through and after them.

And they were gonna spend the rest of their lives together.

Saturday was hectic. Connor watched Evan slowly start to close in on himself as Cynthia dragged them to the grocery store, ran them around there, and then proceeded to frantically run around the house to “set things up for our guests.” She said a lot of stuff about everything needing to be  _ perfect, _ which wasn’t exactly out of line from her normal, but it was amped up by a lot, and after a few hours of it Evan was practically shaking with how out of control he felt. 

“Alright,” Connor said, taking Evan by the hand and pulling him away from the purple and white bouquet that he’d been arranging and rearranging for the last half hour. “We’re going.”

“But—!” Evan started to protest, but his shoulders fell in acceptance when he realized his boyfriend was right and he needed to get out of there before he started taking a lint roller to the carpets. 

Cynthia had probably gathered by the amount of glares that her son had sent her that she’d messed up, because she didn’t say anything when they walked past her and out the front door.

Connor put Evan in the car and ran around the front to join him. He threw the car into reverse as Evan was accepting his fate and putting his seatbelt on.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“We’re just driving.” Connor held his hand out so that Evan could hold it, knowing that he’d need the physical tie to reality until he calmed down.

Evan took his hand but he shook his head at himself. “I hate this.”

“It’s okay, Ev.”

“No it’s not.” He used his free hand to rub at his face. “It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to handle all of this without— without getting like this!” He gestured vaguely outwards and then let his arm fall with a loud thump. He was trying to subtly hit himself.

“Stop that,” Connor reprimanded him, and Evan immediately knew what he meant because he grabbed onto the side of his seat instead of keeping the death grip on his thigh. “Hasn’t your therapist told you about ‘should’ statements?”

Evan sighed. “Yeah,” he mumbled.

Connor just let them sit with that. He wasn’t a therapist; he didn’t know how to continue that conversation, but he knew the silence would make Evan reflect on whatever Dr. Sherman has said.

“Sorry,” he whispered eventually.

“You don’t have to apologize for being anxious.”

“I know.” Evan flexed his fingers around Connor’s palm. His voice was small, “How am I going to handle college when I can’t even handle stupid things like this?”

“You seem to be handling this perfectly fine to me,” Connor responded smoothly. “Think about it, Ev. Would you have been able to help Cynthia Murphy plan a party this time last year?”

“I would have had a complete breakdown.”

“See? Don’t undermine your progress just because it isn’t perfect. There’s no such thing.” Connor rolled his eyes and added, “No matter what my mother says.”

That earned a laugh from Evan. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I usually am.” Connor winked cheekily just to hear his laugh again.

Evan looked around. His breathing was starting to even out again. “Do you really not have a destination in mind?”

“Nope.” Connor popped the ‘p.’ “We got nowhere to be, baby.”

“We have to be back home before six o’clock.”

“It’s four o’clock.”

“I really don’t think we can  _ ‘drive around,’  _ for two hours, Con.” He wiggled around in his seat.

Connor narrowed his eyes, wondering if this was a boundary he could push or if he should just leave it be and come up with somewhere to go. Evan still really couldn’t handle being around people right now— especially not when he was about to be forced to socialize all evening (even if it is with just their friends), so taking him somewhere now would ultimately just be detrimental. 

He decided to test the waters. “Why not?” he asked.

Evan opened his mouth and then immediately closed it again, pursing his lips and squinting at Connor’s profile. “Because it’s not accomplishing anything.”

Connor sighed. “We’re allowed to do things that aren’t necessarily  _ productive,  _ Evan. How is this any different than hanging out at Ellison or the orchard?”

He struggled with this for a moment. “But going to Ellison _is_ _the point._ This doesn’t have a point.”

_ “Driving around _ is the point. It is the activity.”

Evan sat with that. “Okay,” he finally decided, and Connor raised a brow, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Evan caught the look and rolled his eyes. “You’re usually right,” he said with a smirk.

Connor laughed and turned down a random road, accidentally putting himself directly in the path of the sun. He had to pull his hand back in order to keep himself from going blind. “Can you give me my sunglasses? I think Zoe left them in the back.”

Evan nodded and reached around to dig through the pocket behind the driver’s seat, but he gasped a second later, nearly giving Connor a heart attack.

“Fuck, what?”

Evan laughed as he turned back around. He handed Connor his aviators, but he had a bright pink magazine in his hand. “Zoe left her Cosmo!” he said excitedly, already flipping it open.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Oh, Jesus Christ.”

“Let’s find out what my crush thinks about my— Oh…” Evan cut himself off abruptly, and Connor glanced over to see Evan’s eyes had widened. He looked up at Connor and snapped the magazine shut. “Never mind!” he squeaked.

“What?” Connor demanded.

“She just… y’know, she filled out one of the quizzes.”

“Yeah? She always does that. You know that.”

Evan cleared his throat awkwardly. “Right… but this isn’t actually a  _ teen  _ magazine, y’know. It’s sort of  _ adult…?” _

It took a second for the gears to click into place, but as soon as they did Connor snatched the magazine and threw it out the window.

“Connor!” Evan shouted. “That’s littering.”

Connor had no qualms about yelling back. “I don’t want my sister’s sex magazine in my car!”

“Oh, but the  _ highway _ is better?”

“Yes! It will get destroyed! As it should!”

“Yeah, it will get shredded and blown into the rivers where turtles and fish will choke on it and die!”

“I’m gonna choke on it and die!”

That made zero sense. They both snapped their mouths closed as they attempted to process what Connor had just yelled, and the impending silence allowed for a bit of self-reflection.

“That might have been a bit of an overreaction…” Connor mumbled eventually.

Evan sighed. “It’s fine. I’ll just tell myself that community service delinquents will be picking up garbage this afternoon.” He wrinkled his nose. “At least you didn’t have to actually  _ read  _ it.”

“Ew, you  _ read _ it?!”

“I didn’t mean to! But certain words just kind of jump out at you, y’know?”

Connor banged his head against the steering wheel. “Kill me now.”

“Eyes on the road!”

Connor groaned and looked back out the windshield. Evan pointedly changed the subject to their history homework in an attempt to get Connor’s mind off it.

But he couldn’t help but worry about his little sister now. As far as he knew, she wasn’t even  _ interested  _ in anyone. And he’d sort of assumed that they were close enough now that she would tell him something like that. But maybe not? They were in the same friend group, but she was still a year below them. Maybe she had a whole other life he didn’t know about. A  _ sex life. _

He involuntarily shuddered. No. There’s no way. Absolutely not.

His boyfriend was in the middle of a sentence, but Connor interrupted him. “Do you think she’s seeing someone?” he asked abruptly.

Evan blinked at him and Connor let him catch up. Eventually Evan winced as he realized Connor had been dwelling on Zoe for the last ten minutes. 

“Don’t you think she’d tell us…?” He didn’t sound so sure though.

Connor frowned. “Would she?”

“Why wouldn’t she?”

“I don’t know.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds.

“She did turn down all those guys who asked her to prom…” Evan said eventually, and Connor’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. “I mean, maybe…”

“Oh Jesus fuck she’s seeing someone.”

Evan sighed. “Don’t jump to conclusions, Connor. It’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to go to prom with some guy she barely knows than it is that she has a secret boyfriend.”

Connor gripped the steering wheel, attempting to tell his nerves to stand down. This was not a reason to freak out.  _ So what if she does have a boyfriend? So what if she still doesn’t trust you enough to tell you about it? Why should that matter _ ?

His stomach twisted again, more painful this time.  _ It mattered a lot. _

“Con, pull over,” Evan demanded suddenly, and Connor didn’t think before doing as he was told, trusting that his boyfriend was thinking more clearly than him right now. “Look at me,” he said, once the car was parked in the breakdown lane, and again Connor listened. “It’s fine,” he said firmly.

“But—”

“Zoe loves you and she trusts you.”

“How can you—”

“Because she’s said it a thousand times, Connor, and she doesn’t gain anything from lying.” Evan reached out to pry one of Connor’s hands from the steering wheel. “She’s allowed to have a personal life.”

He took a deep breath and nodded.  _ Right.  _ “Right.”

“If she is seeing someone —which we have zero evidence to suggest that she is— and she hasn’t told you about it, it’s probably because it isn’t that serious.”

_ Right.  _ Because most people don’t end up finding the love of their life with their first kiss. He and Evan were outliers. Other people  _ casually  _ dated. That’s a thing. That’s a thing that his sister could be doing, and she wouldn’t feel the need to tell him about it. 

Evan was watching him steady his breathing. “You okay?” he asked eventually.

Connor nodded. Evan made him feel better (Evan always made him feel better), but he was too worked up now to keep driving around. They were close enough to Ellison now though, so he directed the car there and pulled into the completely empty lot. It was still too cold for anyone to want to be at the park. It had snowed only a few days ago, and there were still piles of it, but they were to the slushy and gross part now that wasn’t any fun to play in. 

“Do you want to keep talking about this or do you want to find a new subject?” Evan asked.

“I don’t know.” Connor looked at him apologetically. “Sorry. I was supposed to be helping you right now.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “We can help each other at the same time. I actually feel better now. Useful.”

Connor smirked and leaned forward to kiss him quickly. “You’re a lot more than ‘useful’, Ev.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’m serious!”

“I know you are!”

They laughed and Connor laced their fingers together again. It was silly, but sometimes he thought that he liked holding Evan’s hand more than anything else in the world. It was so simple. It barely required any effort at all. But it made him feel whole. It made him feel like everything was gonna be okay. Because he wasn’t alone anymore.

“What are you thinking?” Evan asked, and Connor realized he was staring at their hands.

“How much I love you.”

Evan snorted. “Shut up. No you weren’t.”

“I was!” Connor grinned as he looked up at him. “I was thinking about how I get to spend forever with my favorite person in the world.”

Evan flushed and ducked his head, but then he looked up and Connor was floored by the expression. Evan looked at him like he hung the moon and painted the stars— and all for him. Sometimes Connor even found himself believing it.

Evan squeezed his hand and they were brought back to Earth. “We’re going to New York,” he whispered. “We’re gonna live together. Just the two of us.”

And it was cliche, dreaming about leaving their small town for the big city, making plans for the future that they planned to have together. If anyone was walking by, they would have rolled their eyes, maybe shook their head fondly and made some comment about young love. They’d think that these two boys didn’t know anything about life yet. They’d assume that their love was fleeting.

But Connor knew that he and Evan had been through more than most. He knew that neither of them could ever find anyone who understood them as perfectly as they did each other— and that they wouldn’t want to even if it were possible. Connor truly believed that he and Evan were meant to be together— that they just didn’t make sense without each other.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Instead of driving around, they ended up just loitering in Ellison Park, alternating between talking and making out (just to pass the time, really). Eventually Cynthia texted asking if they were alright, and they decided they should probably head back.

“Jared’s siblings are coming,” Evan said just a bit mournfully as he scrolled through his text messages.

Connor’s brow furrowed. “All of them?”

“Just the twins and Zane.”

“Zane’s the one who wants to be stripper now, right?”

“I think he actually  _ is  _ now at a club in Rochester.” Evan typed something into his phone, probably asking Jared if he was right.

“Male sex workers don’t make nearly as much as females,” Connor noted distractedly.

Evan raised a brow at him. “Have you looked into it?”

Connor laughed at the put-out expression on his boyfriend’s face. “No,” he chuckled. “I threatened my parents with it once and my dad told me that.”

Evan didn’t look any less incredulous. “Why does  _ Larry  _ know that?”

Connor shrugged. “I dunno. It’s sort of intuitive, isn’t it? Sex work’s largest customer demographic is straight men.”

Evan accepted this answer. “Yeah, that makes sense.” He looked down and read another text from Jared. “The Kleinmans are hoping your dad will convince him to go back to law school.” Another text came through. “… Or that just your house will do the trick.”

“Law school is a lot of work. What’s the harm in letting him take his clothes off for other people’s enjoyment if that’s what he wants to do?”

“He’s thinking of getting into porn now,” Evan added.

“A noble pursuit.” He didn’t miss a beat.

Evan snorted and slapped his arm, and Connor laughed unrepentantly as he pulled into the driveway, right next to Heidi’s car.

Evan stared at it. “I assumed she’d be late.”

Connor wasn’t really sure what the correct response to that would be. “I guess not…” He couldn’t get a read on his boyfriend’s reaction to this development. They’d had dinner with Heidi last night, so it shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. 

Then again, she’s never been to the Murphys’ house before— and especially not since learning that Connor is his boyfriend. And she definitely still wasn’t as on board with the fact that the boys were convinced they were getting married. She made a lot of pointed remarks last night about “not making life decisions too young” and “seeing what’s out there” and “finding out who you are on your own” (that last one was particularly unsubtle).

They walked inside to find that a purple and white banner with “Congratulations Connor, Evan, Jared,” written on it was hung just above a slightly smaller blue and white one that said “& Alana!” They went under it into the living room to find their parents chatting around strategically placed food and alcohol tables, already holding champagne.

“Hey! There they are!” Larry announced their entrance. “The men of the hour!”

Evan flushed bright red and Connor did the appropriate levels of laughing and rolling his eyes.

“Oh, they’ll always be my boys,” Cynthia chimed lightly and completely innocently, though the comment earned her a side-eye from Heidi.

“When does one officially become a ‘man’ anyway?” Zoe asked, lounging casually across on the arm chairs. “Because I feel like I remember when Connor first started shaving—”

“Alright, no one wants to know where Connor’s shaving,” Jared announced his presence in just about the most Jared-way possible, and Connor didn’t waste any time in punching his in the arm.

“Shut up, dude. My future mother-in-law is here.”

Jared’s eyes landed on Heidi. “Oh, shit, Missus H! Whoa, it’s weird seeing you here. It’s like world’s colliding.”

Heidi looked simultaneously uncomfortable and amused by Jared’s complete lack of filter. “Nice to see you too, dear,” she said. “And Congratulations on getting into NYU.”

He grinned and threw an arm around Evan, expertly ignoring when he startled and glared at him.”Yeah, Evan’s not ever getting rid of me. The plan was to be the other groom at his wedding, but I guess I’ll settle for best man.”

Evan’s eyes were wide with horror. Connor picked up Jared’s arm from around Evan’s shoulders like it was something rotten and then pushed him backwards. “You’re not funny.”

Jared was unrepentant. “I’m hilarious. Also honest.”

Heidi’s brows were in her hairline and her mouth was hung open slightly, at a loss for words.

Zoe let out a loud sigh. “Quit being antagonistic, Jared. Connor’s gonna punch you again and I’ll let him.”

“Wait, what?” Heidi asked, aghast.

Connor’s eyes widened and he stopped breathing as he looked to Jared, desperate for him to fix it.

Jared, thankfully, seemed to realize that the stakes were higher with Heidi. He sat down on the couch next to her, maintaining his casual tone. “Don’t worry, Heidi. Connor didn’t  _ actually  _ punch me. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know  _ how  _ to throw a punch. Don't let his appearance fool you. He’s a big softy. Zoe’s just being overdramatic. She’s always like that. Kinda like her brother.”

Connor cleared his throat loudly. 

“... In a completely lovable way,” Jared added.

Heidi looked between the four teenagers warily. “Okay…?”

Evan was completely hunched in on himself by this point. He had his shirt twisted into a knot and his face was uncomfortably red.

Connor settled a hand on the small of his back. He wanted to hug him, but that would be weird in this situation. He wanted to ask what he could do to help, but Evan clearly didn’t want to speak right now— if he were even capable of it.

He let go of his shirt and wrapped his arms around his waist. He probably wished Connor could hug him right now too. So Connor did the next best thing and shrugged his hoodie off his shoulders, handing it over. 

“Here, you look cold,” he said casually, just to make Evan feel more comfortable about the random exchange. Connor smirked and winked when Evan looked up at him. “You should really be wearing long sleeves. It’s still Winter, y’know.”

Evan managed a small smile as he began to unravel himself and accept the jacket. “It won’t be next week,” he said quietly.

Connor chuckled. “We’re in the north. It’s Winter until June.”

The rest of them were all engaged in another conversation through this whole exchange (something about where Jared’s family is and why they didn’t come together), but Connor had managed to pull Evan away even when he couldn’t do so physically. 

Evan discreetly took his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Connor smiled and decided to take his chances as he leaned forward to place a chaste kiss to his forehead. “Anytime,” he whispered back.

The doorbell rang then, and Evan looked towards it, but Connor took the opportunity to gage the rest of the room. He accidentally locked eyes with Heidi though, and he realized she had been watching the entire interaction. The corners of her mouth were pulled down and her brows were knitted together.

Connor had no idea what to do with that.

He was saved from having to dwell on it too much though as Alana and her dads showed up, armed with a cookie cake that took everyone’s attention while they greeted them.

“It’s store bought, I’m afraid,” Alan said as he sat the box down on one of the tables. “I’m hopeless in the kitchen.”

“Oh, me too,” Cynthia laughed, waving her hand around. “If it weren’t for Connor, we’d all starve.”

Adré turned to raise an interested brow at Connor. “You cook?” he asked.

He felt himself blush as he nodded. “Yes, sir.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’m not bad, I guess.”

Then Evan suddenly found his voice. “Oh, stop it. You’re incredible.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You’re biased.”

“I’m not!” Jared piped up. “And you’re a kick ass chef, my dude. You can cook for me anytime.”

“And you’re insufferable,” Connor replied dryly. Jared just cackled in response.

The doorbell rang again and Cynthia went to get it, but André continued questioning Connor. “Where’d you learn how to cook, if not from your parents?”

Connor shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. He wasn’t used to adults taking an interest in him. “I’m mostly self-taught. Uh, boredom, y’know… But I’ve also been taking food science for the last three years and Mrs. Day has taught me a lot.”

“Food science?” Heidi asked, and Connor was then keenly aware that she was listening to this micro conversation that was now one of a dozen with the addition of Jared’s family.

“Uh, yeah. It’s like home ec but just the cooking part? Most of us still call it home ec though… I don’t know why I didn’t just then…” Connor looked around for Evan but saw that he’d been pulled into a conversation with Larry and Zane. That was probably interesting.

“So home ec and AP French?” André continued, not noticing Connor’s discomfort. “You know how to make croissants?”

Connor smirked. “Mrs. Day isn’t all that equipped in the world of French bakery, unfortunately. But I’m hoping to go to culinary school in France after I graduate from NYU.”

“Really?” Heidi broke in, and Connor winced. He forgot that he hadn’t mentioned that part when she was asking about his and Evan’s plans. It had seemed like too much.

“Uh, yeah…” Connor scratched at his arm. “Y’know… if Evan doesn’t mind coming with me. I might just end up staying in New York.”

“Now, you shouldn’t let high school fling hold you back from your dreams,” André said sternly, and to Connor’s horror, Heidi nodded in agreement.

It took every bit of therapy and medication that Connor had to not freak out. “Evan’s more than just a fling to me,” he grit out through his teeth, his back rigid. He felt like a caged animal, waiting to be attacked.

“Now, as I hear it you’re second in your class— just behind Alana!” André exclaimed, clapping Connor on the shoulder. Connor visibly flinched, but Alana’s adopted father was even worse at reading body language than she was. 

Heidi’s brow shot up. “Really?” she asked again, and Connor swallowed his dread. He hasn’t even told Evan that.

“You’ve got the whole world in front of you,” André continued as if Heidi hasn’t spoken. “I was surprised when I heard you hadn’t applied to any Ivies?”

Connor shifted awkwardly. “Yeah, well. I really liked NYU when I toured it. And they’re better at giving financial aid than the Ivies…” He wanted to punch himself when both parents gave pointed looks to the mansion they were all currently standing in. He cleared his throat before André could ask the next obvious question. “Anyway, I think I heard my sister say my name so I gotta…” He drifted off while jabbing a thumb over his shoulder. He turned on his heel and fled.

Zoe and Alana were engaged in a conversation with Jared’s younger siblings. Connor locked an arm through Alana’s. “Never leave me alone with your father ever again.”

Alana was immediately and appropriately horrified. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even notice. Which one was it?”

“André.”

“Oh no. Did he mention…?”

Connor nodded. “And Heidi was there too.”

Alana was looking at him with serious concern now. “Connor, you look green.”

“I feel sick.” He felt like he had cotton in his mouth and his stomach was doing somersaults.

Zoe was paying attention now. “C’mon,” she said, yanking on his arm and pulling him towards the kitchen. “Lana, go get Evan.”

Alana nodded and ran off.

As soon as they were through the door Connor flung himself towards the fridge and stuck his head in the freezer, taking deep breaths of the cold air as he counted backwards from 1000 in his head. Then he stumbled back and leaned heavily against the island, holding his face in his hands.

Alana worked fast though, and she came in a few seconds later with Evan in tow— and Jared a few steps behind them, asking what was going on.

Evan was in front of Connor in an instant, quietly asking if he could touch and waiting for a nod before gently placing his hands on elbows.

“Ten minutes in and we’re already in crisis mode,” Zoe mumbled to Jared, and Connor flinched. “Sorry,” she added. “I’m not complaining, just observing.”

Connor grimaced and shook his head, finally pulling his hands away from his face. “I’m just…” he shuddered. He didn’t know how to describe it. He felt like he was being judged and it was getting to him, but that sounded so stupid.

“I’m sorry,” Alana said. “My dads are a lot. I should have been paying more attention.”

“It’s not your fault, Lana.” Connor sighed and turned to his friends. “We just have to agree to stick together for the rest of the night. None of us are ever alone with adults, got it?”

Evan nodded quickly. “I just had to witness Zane defend the porn industry to Larry,” he said, sounding slightly traumatized. “Please don’t let that happen again.”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I missed that!” Jared looked like he wanted to run out to catch the tail end of that conversation. They all shook their heads, and Zoe even put her hand on his shoulder to keep him in the room.

“Alright,” Zoe said. “We need a plan. What are the red flag topics?”

Connor, Evan, Jared, and Alana all spoke together: “Sexuality.”

Zoe snorted. “Okay. Same doesn’t go for me but I’ll cut off relationship questions too just so it doesn’t get passed on to you guys.”

Connor squinted at his sister, trying to figure out if her voice sounded weird when she said ‘relationship’ or if he’s just reading too much into it. Evan squeezed his hand and shook his head— reading his mind again.

Zoe shifted her weight. “Also can we make sure no one asks me what I’m going to do next year? Maia and Malik were low key bullying me about not having any other friends.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Maia and Malik are rotten little fuckfaces. Don’t listen to them, Zo.”

She smirked. “Yeah, I wasn’t gonna let two middle schoolers get to me, but thanks for the advice, Jared.”

He clicked his tongue and made figure guns. “Anytime.”

“Also can we avoid the subject of Evan’s and my relationship? It’s just that Heidi still isn’t completely on board and it kind of seems like André is against it too for some reason.”

Alana made a distressed noise. “Yeah, sorry guys. It was Alan that married his high school girlfriend and realized how big of a mistake that was, but André’s more touchy about it.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing personal.”

“Yeah, that’s why my mom’s weird about it. I mean, she and my dad were best friends before they had me…” He shook himself. “She just thinks I’m making the same mistake.”

Connor couldn’t help but curl in on himself at that, and Evan responded by wrapping his arms around Connor’s waist. Connor sighed and hugged him back. No words necessary. This wasn’t even close to the same thing Heidi went through.

“So we’ll keep Heidi and André away from each other,” Zoe concluded. “They don’t need to feed off each other’s negative energy.”

“Is Alan cool?” Jared asked.

Alana nodded. “He’s totally supportive. He loves you guys. I think he wants to officiate the wedding.”

Zoe hummed. “So, ideally we’d keep Heidi with our parents, but—”

“Host Rule Book says they’re supposed to stay in different conversations,” Connor finished. “So I’d say the goal is to keep her with Larry, since Mom can be kind of… unrealistic.” That was putting it nicely. She had no idea what the real world was like and that would drive Heidi mad eventually. 

Zoe nodded in agreement. “What about your parents, Jared?”

Jared shrugged. “Mom’s sort of the nod-and-agree type—”

“So don’t let André near Heidi, especially when Selena is around,” Alana summed.

“And my dad doesn’t really know how to talk about anything but current events. Anyone know what was on the 6 o’clock news tonight? Those are his talking points for this evening.”

“So we can use Ibrahim as a conversation diversion when we need one?” Zoe offered and they all nodded in agreement. “Now as for Jared’s siblings…”

“More diversions,” Jared answered. “Ask Maia and Malik about Minecraft and they’ll go on for hours. No one will be able to get a word in edgewise.”

Evan’s face twisted up. “What about Zane? We can’t let him keep talking about porn to our parents.”

Jared sighed. “Fine, if you wanna take all the fun out of it. But getting him on that rant is also a sure fire way to divert attention.”

“That’ll be our panic button,” Alana agreed, earning an excited grin from Jared and resigned sighs from the rest of them.

“High School Musical Rules,” Zoe said with a self-amused smile. “We’re All In This Together.”

They all groaned appropriately, but agreed with the sentiment anyway. And with all that settled, the rest of the evening went as smoothly as could be expected.

Connor thought he’d be able to just stick with Evan, but they kept getting pulled into different conversations while the other was talking. He did end up on his own once more, but it was just with Maia and Malik, so he’d waved Zoe towards Evan, who’d just been left alone with Heidi and Larry as Alana’s dads pulled her into their conversation with Jared and Ibrahim (which Zoe had just escaped). Meanwhile Selena and Cynthia were attempting to reason with Zane via a good-mom/bad-mom routine.

Once Maia and Malik decided to go bother Jared, Connor got back to Evan’s side, and Zoe and Alana broke away to go help Selena and Cynthia. It was like a giant game of musical chairs, until finally everyone came back together and it became one big group conversation.

That’s when the teenagers were able to quietly break away again. They slipped out one by one through the back door and gathered around the fire pit as Connor made quick work of lighting it. Zoe was the last to arrive; she was armed with blankets from the hall closet, and from between the folds of the buffalo plaid: a bottle of prosecco.

They all cheered and Connor tossed her his keys so that she could use the corkscrew he kept on there for these such occasions.

It wasn’t like they could get drunk off one bottle of wine split five ways (even with Evan’s abysmal tolerance), but it would probably give them a little bit of a buzz, at least. More than anything it was just fun and felt like just the right amount of bad.

Evan tucked himself into Connor’s side and yawned. Connor wrapped the blanket more firmly around both of their shoulders and watched the flames flicker in Evan’s irises, highlighting the little flecks of gold.

Jared cracked some joke that Connor didn’t hear, but it made Evan laugh and Connor almost stopped breathing at the sight. Just when he thought his boyfriend couldn’t get anymore beautiful… 

“Hey,” he whispered, squeezing Evan’s hip and getting him to look up. “Thank you.”

Evan smiled but his eyes were confused. “For what?”

Connor shrugged. “For everything. For being here.”

“I’ll always be here.” He didn’t miss a beat.

“I know.” It came out breathless. “Thank you.”

Evan shook his head in mild amusement. “Well, thank you too then.”

“I love you.” Connor knew he meant it every time he’d said it before, but this time felt different for some reason. It felt like more. 

“I love you too,” Evan said, and it sounded like he also felt the more-ness of the moment. He smirked after a beat and added, “For forever.”

Connor grinned. “And ever and ever,” he finished, punctuating the promise with a short kiss (though it still got groans from their friends which they expertly ignored).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have six essays due this week culminating in over 50 pages. End me.
> 
> Leave comments please I need them ❤︎❤︎


	7. April

Connor wasn’t used to waking up alone in general, but he definitely wasn’t used to waking up alone in Evan’s bed.

He sat up as soon as he realized Evan wasn’t beside him, suddenly very awake as he whipped his head around in search of his boyfriend. His mind wasn't immediately jumping to worse case scenarios per se, but those scenarios were definitely still swirling around in there as he threw the covers off and checked the bathroom and the closet first before heading downstairs.

He let out a small breath of relief when he heard voices, but that relief quickly faded when he reached the bottom of the stairs and the amorphous voices turned into a coherent conversation.

“You two are never apart,” Heidi was saying, clearly unaware of the boy frozen in his tracks on the other side of the half-wall between them. “It’s not healthy, Evan.”

“My  _ therapist  _ is completely on board with it,” Evan snapped.  _ “She  _ can see how much being with him helps me.”

“Oh, I can see that! You’ve basically let those people adopt you—!”

_ “Those people?!”  _ Evan shouted over her. “You’ve  _ met  _ them, you  _ know  _ them!”

“Yes, Evan, I did meet them. And they think you’re _their_ son! Like you needed saving from _me—”_

“Not everything is about you!”

“I’m your mother!”

“Then act like it!”

Evan’s voice had gone all scratchy at this point and it was obvious he was crying. It took everything in Connor not to run in there and pull him away all while screaming at Heidi to fuck off. But he knew that would only make it worse. If he were being honest with himself, he’d known this had been a long time coming. Heidi had been uncomfortable with Connor (and the Murphys) since even before she knew he was Evan’s boyfriend. She was possessive of her son; she thought of him as the only thing she had, and she saw Connor as someone who was taking him from her.

There was a stony silence, until Heidi broke it with a cold tone.

“I don’t want you seeing that boy anymore. I don’t want you going over there—”

“What?!”

“I don’t like what they’ve done to you—”

“You don’t like that I’m finally happy?!”

“You can’t find happiness through other people—”

“People other than you, you mean?”

“This is for your own good—”

“I’ll kill myself!” Evan was hysterical now. Connor didn’t stop to second guess himself before he ran in there, but Evan didn’t seem to notice him as he continued screaming at his mother. “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again! I will! I’d rather die than go back to how things were! I hate it! I hate this stupid house and I hate myself and I hate you! I’ll kill myself! I’ll—!”

Connor grabbed his wrist and Evan choked on his words at the sudden feeling. He yanked his arm away and spun around, completely terrified, but his fear dissolved into just pure pain as soon as he met Connor’s eyes. He gasped and broke down into Connor’s arms, burying his face in his shoulder as he sobbed violently.

“Okay, it’s okay.” Connor was putting all his energy into staying calm by focusing on Evan and only Evan. He could almost convince himself that there wasn’t another person in the room whom he really wanted to scream at. He could do that later. Right now he needed to get Evan somewhere else. Somewhere safer. 

“Come on,” he whispered, wrapping his arm around Evan’s waist and guiding him towards the stairs. He wanted to pick him up and put him in the car and drive him far away from this place, but he wouldn’t put it past Heidi at this point to call the cops on him for kidnapping.

“Don’t leave me,” Evan begged when they got to his room and were sitting on his bed. He curled his hands into Connor’s shirt and held on like he was a life line. His knuckles turned white and he curled himself into Connor’s chest. “Please, please—”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Connor promised quickly before Evan could get even more worked up about it. “It’s you and me forever, alright? Guaranteed. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Evan was still crying freely but he nodded and Connor took that as a small victory.

“I don’t wanna die,” Evan whimpered, and Connor’s heart shattered. What Evan had said downstairs wasn’t a threat. In his mind it was an inevitability— a certainty that he couldn’t handle losing everything he’s worked so hard for these last few months.

“You’re not gonna die,” Connor said firmly. “We’re gonna work this out. It’s gonna be okay.”

Evan ran out of words then, so Connor started counting for him so that they could focus on getting his breathing and heart rate back under control. Connor grabbed the sedative and water from the nightstand, and Evan took it gratefully. It took over half an hour, but eventually the panic subsided and the medicine took over. He fell asleep and Connor had to do the hardest part: leave.

Not forever, and hopefully not for long. But it’s not like he could continue ignoring the fact that Heidi was still downstairs and take a nap instead. Someone had to fix this mess, and it certainly wasn’t going to be Evan.

Connor grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to his parents.

**Connor:** _ Heidi just lost her entire mind. Woke up to find her yelling at Evan. I don’t know what started it. She told him we have to break up and he had a really bad panic attack. He just fell asleep. I gotta go talk to her now. _

**Cynthia:** _ Oh my god. Should I come over there? Is everyone safe? _

**Connor:** _ I think that would just make it worse right now, but I’ll let you know. Is dad at work? _

**Cynthia:** _ He’s in his office. _

**Connor:** _ Make sure he doesn’t freak out and do anything rash. Or call Evan, he needs to sleep. And don’t let Zoe know right now either.  _

**Cynthia:** _ Okay, sweetie. Keep me updated. Love you both ♥️ _

**Connor:** _ Love you too. _

He shoved his phone in his pocket and headed back downstairs. He paused on the bottom stair when he saw Heidi sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest and her thumb nail between her teeth. In that moment, Connor could see how much Evan looked like her, and that kept him from exploding.

She looked  _ young,  _ and it surprised Connor to realize that this was the first time he’d ever thought that about her. He’d always objectively known that she was only 33 years old, but somehow the gravity of that fact had always eluded him.

“I’m sorry,” she said very quietly, just barely audible.

Connor nodded slowly and took the last step down, evening their playing field. “I get saying things you don’t mean because you’re angry,” he said, and it was part-question. Heidi nodded in confirmation that she hadn’t meant what she said. Connor sat down in the chair opposite her. “What I don’t get is what you’re angry about.”

Heidi hunched in on herself, looking ashamed. “I’m jealous,” she admitted. “I’ve always been such a shitty mother. I could never take care of him right. I was always messing up. I mean, let’s be honest, that’s why he’s—” She waved her hand around in indication of her son’s crippling mental health. “But then you and your family swoop in with your  _ money  _ and  _ free time,  _ and now it feels like I’ve lost him completely.”

_ Yeah, she really needs therapy.  _ “You’re not a shitty mother,” he said out loud, because that seemed like as good a place as any to start. Heidi gave him a disbelieving look. “I mean, that thing you just did was pretty shitty—” she hung her head again, “—but everyone makes mistakes. Including moms.”

She snorted, and Connor remembered that Heidi had been kicked out and excommunicated by her parents.

“All things considered, you’ve done pretty well,” he added. “No one expects you to be Wonder Woman.”

Heidi made a derisive noise. “Cynthia is Wonder Woman.”

Connor fully rolled his eyes at that. “She kept me out of therapy for years because she was afraid it would ‘look bad,’” he told her bluntly. “And she’s almost twice your age.”

“She’s 48.”

“My point still stands. You’ve had Evan in therapy since he was little.”

“Fat lot of good that’s done.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I said those things. I  _ am  _ glad that Evan’s happy. I  _ can  _ see how happy you —and your family— make him. I’m just… I miss him.”

“I get that,” Connor said, and Heidi looked up curiously. He shrugged, “I miss him when he’s not around too.”

She started to smile, but it turned into a frown. “I’d never intentionally do anything that would make him feel like he—”

Connor didn’t want to hear the words again. “I know,” he cut her off. “If I really thought you would, neither one of us would still be here right now.”

She let out a breath. “Good.”

It was strange just how much talking to Heidi didn’t feel like talking to an adult, or even like talking to his boyfriend’s mom. It was more like talking to his boyfriend’s young aunt or something. She was still certainly his senior, but she didn’t have enough wisdom or experience on him to make him feel outmatched. He couldn’t imagine how Evan must have felt growing up with barely any permanent adult influence. He had to raise himself, essentially.

“You’re very mature for your age,” she said suddenly, and Connor almost burst out laughing.

“Thank therapy for that. And Evan for refusing to put up with my bullshit.”

Heidi tilted her head. “Really?”

The question confused Connor for a moment before he remembered how much bullshit Evan used to put up with for Jared. “He’s better at saying how he feels nowadays… obviously.”

Heidi winced. “Yeah.”

“And he trusts me not to abandon him.”

Her heart visibly broke. “Is there even any way I can even fix that now?”

“I hated my parents this time last year,” Connor told her bluntly. “We started going to family counseling back in September. It’s lame and awkward, but it helped a lot. We can actually like… communicate with each other now. Before it was just a lot of yelling.”

Heidi blinked a few times. “You guys seemed so perfect…”

Connor snorted. “Not even close.”

There was barely time for a moment of understanding to pass between them before the calm atmosphere was shattered by Evan screaming.

“CONNOR!”

“Shit,” Connor cursed, jumping up from his seat. He didn’t bother saying anything or even looking at Heidi before he was running, taking the stairs two at a time.

Evan was tangled in his blankets and already shining with sweat as he was hyperventilating. His wide terrified eyes scattered around the room in search of threats and escapes. When he finally found Connor it was obvious that the neurons were not firing correctly. He wasn’t sure if he was real.

“I’m here,” Connor assured him, rushing to his side. “I’m right here.”

Evan practically jumped into his arms. “You left me,” he accused.

“For just a second, I promise. I was right downstairs. I had to—”

Evan shook his head vehemently and wrapped his arms firmly around Connor’s waist. “You can’t. You can’t leave me. Not like this. I don’t care for how long. When it’s— when  _ that’s  _ the trigger. You have to stay. Or else I get nightmares and I panic cos you’re not here and I think you’ve left me for good this time because it was finally too much and you—”

“Okay,” Connor cut him off because his breathing was getting worse. Evan gasped into his chest and Connor kissed the top of his head as he rubbed his back. “I’m sorry, Ev.” And even though rationally he couldn’t have known this would happen, the guilt was still threatening to tear him apart. “I’m so sorry.”

There was a tentative knock on the door and Evan startled violently, grabbing onto Connor’s arm and whimpering in fear.

“Is everything alright?” Heidi called.

Evan had clammed up completely. He wasn’t letting go of Connor anytime soon, his eyes were shut tight and his jaw was locked.

“It’s fine!” Connor managed to make his voice sound half-way normal as he answered Heidi.

“Can I come in?” she asked, and Evan instantly tensed and started physically shaking.

It was a real strain for Connor not to tell her to fuck off when Evan’s reactions were this violent. “Not— maybe not right now, actually?”

Her voice was small. “Okay, well, let me know…” She trailed off and Connor heard her go back downstairs.

Evan didn’t even start to get his breathing back under control until they couldn’t hear Heidi anymore, but every small noise from downstairs reversed what little progress he was able to make. Connor felt completely powerless, and he found himself trying to strategize how to get Evan out of the house without running into Heidi, and at one point he was seriously considering texting Jared for help like it was some kind of high intensity operation.

Eventually, and Connor really couldn’t be sure how long it took, Heidi left to go to work.

“Okay,” Connor breathed, and his own claustrophobia lessened slightly now that they weren’t necessarily confined to this room (though he still hoped they could get out of the house entirely). “Can you stand?”

Evan sniffed and nodded, pulling away from Connor’s chest and looking up at him with watery eyes. His lip jutted out. “I’m sorry.”

Connor was honestly exhausted at this point. He just wanted to get out of there. “I know. It’s okay. Come on.”

They stood up and Connor grabbed their bags from the floor. He didn’t have the energy or patience left to check that they had everything they needed; he just slung the bags over his shoulder and ushered Evan out the door and down the stairs.

Evan got into the car on his own and pulled his feet up into the seat. He rested his head against the window and took a deep breath. It was obvious how much safer he felt in Connor’s car than his own house.

“Alright,” Connor whispered more to himself than to Evan as reversed out of the driveway. The tension lessened with every mile put between them and the setting of this horrific morning.

Thankfully, Larry and Cynthia were not waiting to bombard them with questions. They staggered inside and were met with beautiful silence.

“I’m going to bed,” Evan mumbled. The sedative was able to fully do its job now that the worst was over.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Evan shook his head, already starting towards the stairs. “Smells like you,” he explained.

“Okay. I’m here if you need me.”

“Okay.”

Connor watched him go up the rest of the way and disappear down the hall. Their bedroom door shut a few seconds later.

He sighed and went into the living room, unsurprised to find his parents. He stumbled forward and fell face-first into the sofa.

“You’re still in your pajamas,” Cynthia noted.

Connor hadn’t even thought about that. He must have put his shoes on in a daze when they finally got to leave the house. “What time is it?” he asked.

“Noon.”

“Jesus Christ.” He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “I did not know that that much progress can be undone with a single conversation,” he said, only just beginning to process what the repercussions of what just happened would be. “I don’t know if Evan will ever be able to go back there. She just made him feel  _ so unsafe.  _ It was…” he shook his head and looked at his parents at a loss for words.

“I don’t understand,” Larry started.

“Me neither.”

“Yes, but…” He looked like he was choosing his words very carefully. “What happened?”

“I don’t know what started it. All I know is that when I came downstairs she was saying stuff about how we spend too much time together and you think you’ve adopted him—”

“Us?” Cynthia clarified, surprised that they were a part of the argument. She more or less considered Heidi a friend.

“I don’t think she meant any of it. I talked to her after Evan fell asleep. She apologized and said she didn’t mean it, anyway. She said she’s jealous because we see her son more than she does— essentially.”

“But  _ Evan _ didn’t hear any of that?” Larry asked.

“No. And I don’t really think it would matter either way. They need serious counseling and I’m…” Connor felt a pang of self-loathing go through him. “I’m not qualified for that,” he grit out through his teeth, mad at the truth in the statement. “I can’t—” He choked on the emotion building in his chest and sat up, putting his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. “I can’t.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Cynthia was by his side in an instant, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. It’s not your job to counsel Evan, much less his mother. He knows that. He doesn’t expect that from you.”

Connor hated himself for it, but he was crying. “He said he was gonna kill himself and  _ I can’t.  _ I can’t handle that. I kept it together but I just—” He choked again and his mother hugged him.

“Should we take him to White Oaks?” Larry asked, and Connor immediately shook his head.

“He’s not— he’s not  _ going to.  _ Heidi threatened him and he panicked and that’s where his mind goes when he doesn’t see an escape.  _ I get it.  _ I just don’t know how to handle it.”

Larry’s shoulders tensed. “Threatened him how?”

“She said we needed to break up and that he wasn’t allowed over here anymore.”

Connor watched the conflicting emotions on his parents' faces. On the one hand it was an obvious red flag that their son’s boyfriend had seriously considered suicide to be a viable option in the face of a breakup. But it was way more nuanced than that. It wasn’t manipulation. It was just Evan’s brain when he’s put into intense situations. And on the other hand, even if it ever were in their best interest to break up, Connor knew that Larry and Cynthia loved Evan too much to ever let him go (and especially not back to a toxic household). If they couldn’t have Evan as a son-in-law, they’d take Heidi to court to get legal custody. Nothing about Connor’s parents were biased towards him anymore. They loved Connor and Evan equally. And Connor was extremely grateful for that.

“Well that’s not going to happen,” Larry said firmly, and even though Connor already knew that was true, something about hearing his dad say it settled something in him. Some part of him was still just a little kid who believed everything his dad said was law.

He took a deep breath. “I just don’t know what to do now.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Larry answered. “We’ll handle this from here.”

Connor wanted to lunge himself at his father and thank him profusely, but he didn’t have that kind of energy right then. Instead he just let his tears fall as he nodded gratefully. “Thank you.”

“You look exhausted, sweetie,” Cynthia said, rubbing his shoulder. “Why don’t you go upstairs and shower and try to sleep— or if you can’t you can find something else to get your mind off of it?”

That was exactly what he needed to do. “Okay.”

“We love you,” she added as he stood up.

“Love you too.” He stumbled back out of the room and followed Evan’s path upstairs.

Evan was already passed out in the bed, though Connor noted that he had taken the time to exchange the old t-shirt he had been wearing for one of Connor’s. He’d crawled under the covers as well and was clutching Connor’s pillow to his chest.

Connor sighed and slipped silently into the bathroom, careful to make as little noise as possible as he turned the shower on and undressed. He ended up zoning out under the water, standing there doing nothing for who knows how long, and his fingers were shriveled by the time he remembered to actually wash himself.

When he got out he forewent doing anything with his hair in order to keep noise down to a minimum. Instead he threw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt and then snuck back out of the room and down the hall to Zoe’s bathroom. She used the same curly-hair-marketed products as him and had the same hair dryer/diffuser except it was pink. He didn’t know where his sister was at the moment, but he figured she wouldn’t care if he used them. He needed the familiar self-care routine to help restart his brain.

After that was done, he was just beginning to worry about what he was gonna do next when he got a text from Jared.

**Jared:** _ random question. do u know how to change a car’s oil _

**Connor:** _ yes _

**Jared:** _ ok follow up question will u change my car’s oil _

**Connor:** _ yeah come over _

**Jared:** 😍😍😍 

**Jared:** _ b there in 5 _

Connor shook his head and went back downstairs. He could hear his dad on the phone as he passed his office.

“No, I understand. That’s not what I said. We just need to think about what’s best for both of them…”

Realizing that he was talking to Heidi, Connor blocked out the sound and retreated into the garage. He hit the door button so that he could see when Jared got there, and then went to find the car jack and lug wrench because he assumed Jared needed his tires rotated too.

He put down the tailgate of the truck they never used but Larry bought “just in case” and sat there while he waited for Jared. He jumped down as soon as the old 1999 beige Toyota Camry pulled up.

Jared got out with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face, squinting in the sun. “Have I told you how much I love you?”

“Not recently,” Connor replied boredly, walking forward. He pushed Jared out of the way to pull the hood release next to the driver’s seat and then went back around to the front to lift it up. He hooked the support in and checked the dipstick.

There was hardly any left, and what was there was pitch black. “Jesus Christ, when was the last time you had your oil changed?”

Jared shrugged. “I dunno. August?”

Connor nearly choked. “Oh my god, you’re an idiot.” He replaced the dipstick and stepped back. “Where’s the oil?”

“What?”

Connor attempted to be surprised but it didn’t work. Of course Jared don’t actually  _ have  _ oil with which to  _ change it.  _ “Did you think new oil would just miraculously appear?”

“I don’t know what kind to buy!”

Connor rolled his eyes and went around to the passenger side to dig through the glove compartment for the owner’s manual. He was at least thankful that Jared wasn’t so stupid as to have thrown it out. He found what he was looking for and copied it down into his phone before closing the manual and snapping the compartment shut. He stood back up and looked at Jared’s wheels, finding them basically smooth.

“You need new tires.”

“Man, I came to you so that I  _ wouldn’t  _ get ripped off.”

“Yeah, I’m not charging you. I’m telling you that you’re gonna fucking die if you keep driving this thing.” Connor punctuated his point by kicking the tire and finding that it needed air too. “Do you have money for tires?”

Jared pouted. “I guess. Will you come with me?”

Connor sighed. It was probably for the best that he did. He wasn’t positive that Jared’s car could make it to the nearest AutoZone, and he’d probably manage to fuck up what he needed to buy anyway. “Let me check on Evan.”

Jared’s brow furrowed. “Is he okay?”

“No,” Connor answered bluntly and then walked back into the house before Jared could ask any more questions.

He was loath to wake Evan up, but it was better that than risk him waking up once Connor had gone and freaking out when he couldn’t find him. He kneeled down at the bedside and pushed Evan’s hair out of the way. “Hey,” he whispered gently.

Evan’s face scrunched up and his lip jutted out. “What?” he whined, annoyed at having his sleep interrupted.

Connor couldn’t help but smirk. “I gotta go help Jared with something. Will you be okay here without me?”

Evan nodded which didn’t surprise Connor. He figured he’d be okay as long as he was here and not at the other house. “Yeah, have fun.” He was already trying to go to sleep again.

Connor snorted, “Not likely.” He leaned down and kissed Evan’s forehead. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” he mumbled, and he fell asleep a second later. Connor wondered if he’d remember the interaction if he woke up. He grabbed the notebook on the nightstand and scribbled the message down just in case.

When he got back outside, Jared was still just standing there with his arms crossed, probably annoyed at Connor’s opacity. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said and then pointed to the Silverado. “We’re taking the truck, but I gotta move my car.” He ignored Jared’s grumbling as he pushed past him to relocate the Audi to the street. Then he unlocked the truck and they both climbed in. It was so high that even Connor had to use the step bar.

“This thing makes it look like we have small dick syndrome,” Jared complained.

Connor turned the key and started backing out. “I’m sure  _ you  _ do.”

“Asshole. Why couldn’t we just take my car?”

“One, because your car is a safety hazard, and two because if we put four tires in the back of your Camry it would fucking drag.”

Jared pursed his lips but he clearly had no rebuttal for that. He sat back and stared out the windshield. “So what’s wrong with Evan?” He tried to sound casual.

“No.”

“Fair enough.”

That was a good thing about Jared. He could usually tell when he needed to push and when he needed to back off.

“Are  _ you _ okay?” he added eventually.

“Better than Evan.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Connor glanced at him sideways. “If I tell you something, will you swear you won’t tell Evan?”

Jared shrugged. “I mean, I guess. Unless you’re gonna tell me you’re cheating on him. Then all bets are off.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t do that.”

“So I guess you’re probably safe then.”

Connor sighed and then remained silent. Jared just continued staring at his profile, brows raised in waiting. Until finally Connor couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Sometimes he just says shit and I know it’s not his fault but fuck, it sucks. He makes me so scared but then when that wears off I’m just fucking  _ mad.  _ Like, I don’t want to hear about how badly he wants to kill himself. I know that makes me a terrible person and I’m selfish for even thinking it but Jesus fucking Christ, do you know how shitty it feels to have your boyfriend tell you he wants to die?”

Jared did not miss a beat. “Yeah, dude.”

Connor looked over at him incredulously.

“We were best friends since we were in diapers, dude. I remember Evan  _ before  _ he was traumatized. You don’t think I miss that Evan like every fucking day? Since he met you, he’s gotten closer to what he used to be, but it’s still…” He shook his head. “Look, I know what I did was fucked up. I shouldn’t have abandoned him like that, and then only offered some half-assed attempt at friendship afterwards. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that Evan was completely innocent either. He kept standing me up and ignoring me at school, and sometimes he’d just randomly tell me how much he hated himself and shit and like… I didn’t know how to handle that. He was putting so much on me and giving nothing in return. Eventually it just got to be too much.”

Connor’s mind was at war with itself. A big part of him wanted to defend Evan— to point out that he was  _ sick _ and didn’t have therapy, and claim that it wasn’t his fault. He wanted to keep pretending that his boyfriend is a perfect angel who could never do wrong or (god forbid) be selfish. But Jared already knew that Evan was sick and needed help, and they  _ both  _ knew that Evan could be selfish sometimes.

But he could also be incredibly  _ selfless _ sometimes. Connor loved him and truly believed  _ —knew— _ that his life was better now that Evan was in it. And he could understand how eleven-year-old Jared could have reached the conclusion that it wasn’t worth it when doing the cost/benefit analysis of their friendship at the time (and that in and of itself had some aspect of selfishness to it as well), but he also knew that his own analysis did not come to the same conclusion. 

There were two absolute truths: everyone is selfish sometimes, and relationships take work.

Also he understood Jared a lot more now. Which is weird. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

Jared furrowed his brow in concern though. “You’re not thinking of…?”

It took Connor a second to realize where Jared’s mind had gone. “What? Jesus Christ, no. I still love him more than anything. He’s just fucking a lot sometimes.”

Jared let out a little relieved breath which was actually kind of funny. Like  _ he  _ had a lot riding on Connor and Evan’s relationship or something. “Well, just don’t beat yourself up about not being Superman or whatever. Evan doesn’t expect you to be able to fix everything for him.”

Connor had prided himself recently on not letting the patriarchy get to him and actually being able to express his emotions, but Jared had always been more reticent to feelings, so it was still weird whenever he managed to actually say some heartfelt shit.

“Thanks. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still gonna try and then hate myself when I inevitably fail.”

“Sounds like something you should tell your therapist, my dude.”

Connor snorted. “Fair enough.”

“And in the meantime, you can put all that Handy Manny energy into fixing my car!” The line was perfectly timed as they pulled into the AutoZone parking lot.

“Joy,” Connor replied dully, backing into a space near the doors so that it’ll be easier to load the tires. “Come on, dumbass.”

The sales-guy predictably tried to upsell Jared with some overpriced luxury tires, but that shit ended with Connor’s death glare and him reciting exactly what they needed. Then he grabbed a tire in each hand and effortlessly carried them to the truck and lifted them into the bed.

He turned around to find Jared struggling along behind him with just one tire— the other one abandoned to the floor ten feet back.

“Jesus Christ.” Connor grabbed both and flung them into the bed of the truck with the others.

“Gotta say,” Jared said, putting his hands on his hips and squinting at him. “That was really hot.”

Connor rolled his eyes and turned on his heel to get into the truck. Jared chased after him.

“I’m just saying,” he continued as he climbed into the passenger’s seat. “If you ever want to pick  _ me  _ up and toss me into the bed—”

“No, shut up. I do not need that image.”

Jared just cackled.

When they got back to the house Connor changed the oil first because it was easy and he knew he wasn’t going to want to after he finished changing four tires.

He just finished jacking up the front of the car and started on the bolts of the driver’s side when Jared said, “I’ve watched you do this twice now and I still can’t keep up,” from where he was leaning against the Audi (which he’d moved back into the driveway specifically so that he could lean against it while Connor did all the work).

Connor paused his movements to stare up at his friend. “You don’t know how to change a tire?”

Jared grinned, seeing the perfect opportunity. “You want to teach me, Daddy?”

_ “Did you just call my boyfriend ‘Daddy’?” _

They both looked over to find Evan standing there, still in pajama pants and Connor’s t-shirt, barefoot in the driveway with his arms crossed as he glared at Jared.

“Oof,” Connor laughed, going back to the tire. “You just insulted him right after he woke up.”

“Shit.” Jared pretended to be scared. “I’m so sorry, Evan!! I didn’t mean it!!”

Connor rolled his eyes. “He’s been coming onto me all afternoon.”

Jared held his hands out. “I can’t help it. I am a simple man. I see muscle man with wrench, dick get hard.”

Evan looked down at Connor then. “Oh,” he let out, probably just taking in the fact that Connor was only wearing a (sweaty) tank top now instead of his usual bulky hoodie.

Connor chuckled and shook his hair out of his face. “Down boys.”

Jared laughed hysterically while Evan pouted.

“Where are the girls?” Evan asked. “There’s too much testosterone here.”

“Oh shit, yeah. We need to talk about that. Or Zoe, anyway.”

Connor looked up in alarm. “What?”

“It’s nothing bad,” Jared clarified quickly, and Connor nodded and went back to the tire so that his mind could focus on more than what Jared was saying. “I know you two are too busy being in love with each other to keep up with the rest of us—  _ and that’s fine!”  _ It sounded like Evan had glared at him. “But there’s been some shit going down in band.”

“Oh no, not  _ band drama,”  _ Connor commented sarcastically. And Jared probably would have punched him if he hadn’t spent the better part of an afternoon fixing his shitty car.

_ “Anyway,”  _ Jared went on pointedly. “Zoe’s been spending a lot of time with Elsie. Which  _ would  _ be fine, but Elsie’s definitely caught feelings. And it sort of seems like Zoe’s leading her on now.”

Realizing he didn’t give two shits about this news, Connor divided more of his attention towards his task and only sort of listened to Evan’s response.

“How do you know Zoe’s leading her on?”

“Uh, because she’s  _ straight.” _

“Straight girls and lesbians can be  _ friends, _ Jared.”

“Not if the lesbian catches feelings!”

“Elsie isnt that stupid.”

“Um, Elsie is  _ exactly _ that stupid.”

Connor completely zoned out at that. Maybe some small part of his brain was entertaining the idea of his sister being secretly bisexual, but the fallout from that would be so inconsequential that it wasn’t really worth thinking about. Also it would be objectively weird and wrong him to start questioning his sister’s sexuality.

He finished the driver’s side and moved around to the last tire, effectively cutting himself off from the conversation and not caring at all. He was glad to see that Evan seemed relatively normal now though without showing any of the signs that he wanted to escape either the place or the situation. It was truly amazing what getting to a safe space could do.

Once Jared’s car was finally  _ road safe,  _ he drove off to go inform his parents of how he’s a good citizen (thanks to Connor) and thus get them to pay his car insurance. Connor didn’t charge him for his services, but he did tell Jared that he owed him, and honestly Jared seemed like he’d rather pay in cash, but it was too late now. Evan told him that he should join the mafia.

“But I’m Irish,” Connor replied.

“I think they have one too.”

Connor laughed and they went inside to find Larry and Cynthia waiting for them in the living room, and Connor had been through crises enough in his life to know that they had formulated a plan. He just hoped they weren’t planning on sending him on a yoga retreat again.

He looked down at his sweaty and oil-stained body. “Can I shower first?” he asked them, and beside him Evan looked up in alarm. 

His parents nodded and Connor headed up the stairs. Evan chased after him, not knowing exactly what he was running from, but knowing that he didn’t want to face it without Connor. He sat on the bathroom counter while Connor undressed and got back in the shower.

After a few minutes, Connor decided that Evan was just planning on sitting there silently, so he jumped when Evan suddenly spoke. 

“Do you want to break up with me?” he asked quietly.

“How long is it going to take before you believe that I love you?” He was undeniably frustrated. At a certain point it felt like he could never be good enough.

“I believe that you love me,” Evan corrected him. “I’m scared that one day you won’t.”

Connor closed his eyes and stayed quiet. He counted how many muscles the water jets were hitting. “I don’t know what else to do,” he replied eventually. “I wish you trusted me not to hurt you.”

“I do trust you, Connor.” He heard Evan jump off the counter, but he didn’t go anywhere. His voice stayed in the same place. “I don’t trust myself not to screw this up.”

And therein lied the issue. How could Connor compete with Evan’s insecurities? He felt like he should be able to. He felt like if he were only  _ good enough _ then Evan wouldn’t feel that anymore.

Something to talk about in therapy.

“Can you trust me not to up and leave you at the drop of a hat, at least?” he asked while rushing through washing himself off for the second time that day. “Can you trust that I’m invested enough in this relationship that I won’t wake up one day and disappear?” He turned the water off and grabbed a towel to cover himself before pushing away the curtain. “Can you trust that I love you enough not to hurt you?”

Evan stared up at him with wide eyes. “Yeah,” he let out breathlessly, then he stepped forward and took his hand. “I love you.”

Connor sighed and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “I love you too. No matter what.”  _ Maybe just keep adding that part until he catches on. _

Connor got dressed again and they went back downstairs to sit across from Larry and Cynthia.

“I spoke to Heidi,” Larry said, looking more at Evan. “We both agreed that it might be best that you stay here for a while.”

Evan seemed relieved for a moment, but then panic flickered across his features. “She’s kicking me out?”

“No,” Larry corrected him quickly and firmly. “She made it very clear that you’re both welcome and wanted. You can go back whenever  _ you  _ choose. But just know that you can stay here as long as you like.  _ No one  _ is going to take that away.”

Evan nodded mutely and Cynthia leaned forward, her eyes jumping between the two boys.

“Now, Evan, if you want your own room—”

“No,” Evan and Connor spoke together.

Cynthia pressed her lips together to keep from looking too amused. “Okay. But, again,  _ just so you know,  _ the offer always stands. No matter what.” The ‘your relationship status’ remained unspoken but heavily implied.

Connor studied his parents. There was something else. They didn’t know how to say it. “What?” he demanded. “What else?”

Evan opened his mouth to tell Connor to calm down (probably in a nicer way), but he was cut off as Larry spoke. “We were thinking it might be— that you two might consider going to couple’s therapy.”

The boys stared at them in shock.

“You can’t be serious,” Connor said.

“It’s completely up to you,” Cynthia hurried to emphasize. “We’re not forcing you into anything. It’s merely a suggestion.”

Evan looked ill. “Isn’t that for like… people who want to get divorced?” He snapped his head around to Connor in alarm.

Connor could kill his parents.  _ “No,”  _ he said. “That’s not… no.  _ We’re fine.” _

Cynthia let out a small breath and jiggled her knee before tucking imaginary fly-aways behind her ear. She sat on her hands. “We’re not implying that you two are on the wire, dear, truly. Overall you two seem to know how to handle a relationship better than most adults twice your age.”

“What we’re  _ suggesting,”  _ Larry jumped in, sure to overemphasize his point, “is that based on our own experience in family  _ and  _ relationship counseling, we’ve found it advantageous to have a dedicated space where these matters can be discussed openly and honestly. And where a professional can be there to guide you when you get stuck.”

It was obvious he’d written the argument down somewhere. Probably on a legal pad in his office next to notes on his current case.

But Connor was stubborn. “They’re just gonna tell us to break up. They’re gonna say we’re too young.”

“You can give Dr. Reeves and Dr. Sherman permission to speak with them,” Larry refuted smoothly, almost entirely in lawyer mode now. Have them explain before you even get there what your relationship means and why it’s mutually beneficial.”

Connor crossed his arms. “If it’s already meaningful and mutually beneficial then why should we need counseling?”

Larry opened his mouth but Evan cut him off, surprising Connor so much that he dropped his guard.

“I don’t know, Con,” he said quietly. “It could be good…”

Connor blinked and shook his head, baffled by what he was hearing. “What?” he let out ineloquently.

Evan shrugged. “We’re both going through a lot of… y’know  _ stuff.  _ I know I put a lot of it on you by accident. Sometimes you just take it on like it’s your responsibility even though it’s not. We don’t fight, we just snap at each other and then apologize without resolving the issue. Or say nothing so that we don’t upset the other. We make promises like ‘I’ll try to do better’ but that doesn’t even  _ mean  _ anything. I’m just so afraid of losing you and if this might prevent that—”

“Jesus fucking Christ, you’re not gonna lose me!” he snapped.

Evan raised his brows. “See?”

“That’s different,” Connor mumbled.

“How?”

Connor was acutely aware of the fact that his parents were just  _ sitting right there _ and he suddenly felt like he had a million eyes on him. His skin was crawling and he just wanted to scream and run. Evan reached out for him, sensing his discomfort, but Connor shook him off and stood up. He knew he should say something, dismiss himself, but he was too afraid that if he opened his mouth he’d explode. Instead he just ran out.

He thought he’d be able to breathe once he was in his room, but he wasn’t far away enough. He grabbed a pair of gym shorts and threw them on and then shoved his feet in his running shoes. It was probably the fastest quick change in his life because he didn’t want to get trapped when Evan and his parents recovered from the shock.

He ran back downstairs and made a beeline out of the house. Someone yelled his name but he didn’t care. He let the door slam shut behind him and took off.

_ Everything was supposed to be better now. It was all supposed to be okay. They were supposed to be happy. They were supposed to be perfect. _

His feet slammed against the pavement, taking him further and further away. Connor waited for his lungs and muscles to burn, until every stride felt like torture, until breathing was the only thing he could focus on in order to keep himself alive.

The thought snuck in anyway:  _ What’s the point? _

Connor gasped and stumbled. He fell to his knees, scrapping them against the cement. He extended his arms to keep from slamming his head into the pavement and felt the delicate skin shred from his palms to his elbows.

He cursed and rolled onto his back. He felt the stinging and the blood, but his head had turned to static. He stared unseeingly up at the cloudless sky. A blue abyss.

A part of his brain kept expecting someone to call his name— or run up to him. Surely people saw the teenager bleeding on the ground? He started to believe he’d become invisible. He started to believe that his pain wasn’t worth noticing.

Something forced him to turn his head. He thought he’d see another suburban home— some familiar part of the route he usually followed when he ran. But he was faced only with trees. The sight confused him enough that he sat up.

He was at Ellison. Of course he was.

The rocks embedded in his skin were from the very same bike path he’d gotten yelled at for skateboarding on when he was eleven. The bench right next to him was the one he’d been planning to dying on only eight months ago.

Of course it was.

He pushed himself to standing and went to sit on the bench. He looked around. It would have been a nice place to die, actually. Peaceful. Remote. Nobody would have found him until it was too late.

Connor shivered and stood up, trying to shake the reality of some other universe that had so violently taken him in that moment. A part of him was worried he’d slip right into it.

His gaze landed on a trail that wouldn’t be visible to the untrained eye. It was one forged by two sets of feet alone, never together, and variably across six years. It was barely even a trail, really. More like a trace. Just faint evidence of existence.

Connor found his feet carrying him down the makeshift path. It was still familiar even though he hadn’t walked it in years. 

It opened to what could only be considered a clearing by technicality. The white oak stood in the middle, it’s large canopy and root system preventing any other trees from growing comfortably for quite a significant circumference, though a few small evergreens persisted.

Connor stumbled to the base of the oak that haunted his nightmares. There was a broken limb on the ground— the one that had broken Evan’s fall. It had begun to decompose before Winter had frozen it, and it was now melting slowly as Spring teased the northeast: a morbid display of death and decay.

He looked up and saw Evan’s body falling. He choked on a broken sound and fell to his knees, ignoring the sting of his open wounds. He screamed at the universe. The echoes of his torment did not return with wisdom. The world did not change. He might not have made any sound at all.

Time passed. He sat back in his heels and stared at the grass, waiting for it to grow.

Until a familiar voice shouted “Connor!” behind him, and he was jerking around to see Evan standing at the edge of the pseudo-clearing, next to the pine that eleven year old Connor had hid behind when he fell in love with Evan for the first time.

“Connor, what the hell are you doing?!”

Connor blinked, confused. Was he dreaming? For a moment he’d thought this was a vision— a delusion brought on by psychosis. For another moment he thought they were both dead. But that wouldn’t explain the anger in Evan’s posture.

“Do you realize how scared I was?!” His voice was scratching.

Tears rolled down Evan’s cheeks and the sight forced Connor to his feet. “I’m sorry, I—”

“There’s no excuse! You can’t do this shit!” Evan flung his arms out, one pointing directly towards the bench that he knew had been a part of Connor’s plan at one point.

“I wasn’t…”

“And then I find you kneeling at this fucking tree, looking like you’re  _ mourning,  _ and covered in blood to top it all off. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

Connor was so unused to hearing Evan cuss; it wasn’t helping clear his head. “I’m sorry, Evan, I don’t—”

“Why?” Evan demanded. “Why did you run away?”

And that’s when Connor realized his mistake. It was the one fear that trumped all the others. He wasn’t supposed to run away. No matter what. That was the rule. That was the promise.

But Connor had literally slammed the door in his face.

“Shit. Evan, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t— I couldn’t—” He didn’t know how to explain himself. He hadn’t been thinking clearly. He still wasn’t.

Evan was fully crying now. “Do you know how scared I was? Alana called because she saw you running into Ellison. She said she pulled over and called your name but you didn’t stop. How was I supposed to interpret that, Connor? What are you even doing here? Why did you run away? I—”

“I don’t know!” Connor shouted. “I don’t know, okay? I’ve told you this before. Sometimes I just do stuff and I don’t know why and I’m sorry but I can’t  _ undo  _ it, Evan. I was scared and I ran. You of all people should understand that.”

There was still a good six feet of distance between them, but suddenly it felt like sixty as Evan just stared at him. Neither one of them knew what to say next. They didn’t know how to move on from here.

Connor shook his head and realized he was crying. He wondered distantly when he’d started doing that. He looked back to Evan. “I love you,” he said firmly. “That’s  _ never _ gonna change. And I wasn’t running away from  _ you.  _ I was angry and I didn’t want to yell at you or my parents because I  _ know  _ that you don’t deserve it. I was running away from myself. I don’t know how I ended up here. I was just trying to run hard enough so that I couldn’t hear myself think.”

Evan’s voice was small. “What were you thinking?”

“That I’m just as afraid of losing you as you are of me.” Connor threw his hands out. “That I’m glad no one had to find our bodies here. That I’m thankful that I was finally able to talk to you before it was too late— even though I still wish I had done it sooner.”

Evan nodded, taking a deep breath. “What do we do now? Because I know that neither of us can promise that this won’t happen again. And we have to stop doing that. If we keep making promises we can’t keep, eventually we won’t be able to tell the difference between promises and lies.” 

Connor knew he was speaking from experience. “I don’t know how to fix this,” he admitted, which was hard for him, and it was obvious from Evan’s expression that he knew that it was.

“We need help, Connor. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.”

And it was going to take a lot more for Connor to believe that, but he could accept that Evan believed it, and that was enough for right now. He nodded in agreement and Evan let out a little breath of relief before closing the gap between them and taking his hand.

Connor examined their interlocked fingers. “I guess I just always imagined that we’d find each other and everything would just work itself out and we’d live happily ever after,” he said quietly.

Evan gave a small laugh and shook his head. “True love’s kiss doesn’t cure mental illness.”

Connor smirked and looked up at him through his lashes. “I guess I don’t ever want our story to end anyway. Even if it is happily ever after.”

Evan smiled and it was the most beautiful thing Connor had ever seen. Standing here in this place that meant so much, where it all began and where it almost ended too soon, Connor knew that it was all worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was gonna do an epilogue, but then I liked this ending. This whole story is basically an extended epilogue to The Sudden Obliteration anyway. I know this isn't super "satisfying" in terms of everything being tied up with a neat little bow, but that's the point. Shits complicated. Sometimes it stays that way. 
> 
> Feel free to ask questions though. Maybe I'll write little mini stories for this universe ;)
> 
> **I want to thank everyone who has supported me and left comments. Sometimes reading those was the only thing getting me through the day. I can't express how much it means to me to know that people love this story. Thank you. ❤︎**


End file.
